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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not bother seeing my parents this Christmas?

51 replies

bahhumbug33 · 10/11/2018 22:36

My parents live around 50 miles away, but the roads aren't too good which means it takes about an hour and half each way to drive.

For various reasons, I try and keep visits to a minimum. Firstly, it's always me who has to make the effort and drive (they never come to me). Second, when I do go it's always horrible and I want to go home.

My parents have three cats, and while I love them, they make a lot of mess which leaves a really unpleasant smell in the house. Because one of them isn't too well these days, there are about three litter trays, including one right by the dining table! Added to this, they can't be bothered to clean the house properly, which means there are dirty plates, rubbish, and just mess everywhere. The bathroom also has mould, and is not cleaned regularly, so don't even like doing a wee while I'm there.

My father also refuses to put the heating on except for an hour in the evening, which means it's bloody cold.

As a result, I really don't want to spend time going to visit this Christmas, but maybe that makes me an awful person? There's no way they would come to me, my dad is just too lazy to drive the distance.

OP posts:
KC225 · 10/11/2018 22:40

Can you smoke them out, invite them and dig your heel in

PersonaNonGarter · 10/11/2018 22:44

No, don’t go there - that sounds a crap Christmas.

Invite them to yours. They won’t come. Fine.

smithsally884 · 10/11/2018 22:47

I think its a pity you think so little of your parents.

JudasPrudy · 10/11/2018 22:49

Doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas. YANBU

ILoveDolly · 10/11/2018 22:52

It sounds hideous. I don't really enjoy staying at anyone's house these days and luckily as adults, we can make those sort of choices. You might have to invite them to your house though.
If they ask why, are you able to tell them though? Perhaps they need to understand how unpleasant their home is for guests. If you don't think they'll take it well, maybe just say you want to enjoy Christmas in your own home.... With them...

AgathaRaisinDetra · 10/11/2018 22:52

Odfo smithsally

ILoveDolly · 10/11/2018 22:53

My mother won't drive to visit me but she will take a train..

IAmBeyonceAlways · 10/11/2018 22:54

Cold, smelly, filthy - YANBU

Failingat40 · 10/11/2018 22:54

Are you me?!

Ignore the ignorant posters spouting about you not liking them very much, they have NO idea what it's like to have dysfunctional parents.

It doesn't sound like a good way to spend Xmas so get in early and invite them to come to you. If they decline then your conscience is clear, it's their choice.

What would you do instead? Do you have any family yourself?

scattercushion · 10/11/2018 22:56

Sounds like my stepmum’s house. Now I book a travelodge and meet up in a cafe and actually look forward to it!

Poppylizzyrose · 10/11/2018 22:59

How old are they? Dirty smelly house, doesn’t sound like they’re coping or keeping up with the mess....Maybe they need some help and support from their child? I wouldn’t let my parents live like that honestly.

I’d be there helping to clear up and help them. :/

Poppylizzyrose · 10/11/2018 23:01

Also your Dad struggling to pay the heating?! It kinda reads like they need help, or am missing something...

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/11/2018 23:09

poppy, people who live like that often refuse help from anyone, even their own children. They don't want anyone 'interfering' - and it's not remotely uncommon for people with plenty of money to be extremely mean about things like heating.

Poppylizzyrose · 10/11/2018 23:12

That’s just how i read it 🤷🏼‍♀️ I was trying to understand as it’s not something I’ve come across before. That’s why I asked ages, my grandma needed a lot of help, mould in bathrooms is really dangerous too.

RedSkyLastNight · 10/11/2018 23:13

I'm guessing you might love them, but you don't necessarily like them very much? Because if you did the mess etc wouldn't bother you - really that's a red herring.

I also keep visits to my parents to a minimum, and if it wasn't that they were coming to see me; I doubt I'd be seeing them this Christmas either.

Poppylizzyrose · 10/11/2018 23:15

Seems to me op doesn’t visit often, so maybe they do need help? Think it’s unfair to just think people like living in filth and not having heating on... They might dislike the cat poo smell as much as op but be really sad their cats are in poor health. Just feel a bit bad they want Op for Christmas, she doesn’t want to go. Why can’t things change this year? So the family can be together :/

Missingstreetlife · 10/11/2018 23:18

Go before or after. Have you other plans?

Miscible · 10/11/2018 23:24

Would it work if you arranged a taxi for them to come to you?

zzzzz · 10/11/2018 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bahhumbug33 · 10/11/2018 23:41

Thanks everyone for the replies. My parents are in their late 40s so it's not a question of them being too old or infirm to clean. My dad also makes decent money so he's not struggling to pay for heating, he's just tight/obsessed with keeping the bills as low as possible.

OP posts:
JustJoinedRightNow · 10/11/2018 23:42

Zzzzz that’s a brilliant idea.
I’m always pottering and clearing or cleaning when at my elderly parents’ house. They can sit and chat and relax and they don’t even really realise I’m doing it!

zzzzz · 10/11/2018 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenTulips · 10/11/2018 23:48

I’d be there helping to clear up and help them

4 people took 8 hours to scrub mums house ready for visitors

Back to 'normal' a week later - it's pointless unless they want to change

Inertia · 10/11/2018 23:48

They are in their 40s, not elderly infirm 80 year olds! Unless there is some missing backstory there is nothing to stop them cleaning their own bathrooms and cat shit!

I would invite them to visit you for a change. If they won’t drive, could you meet halfway for a pub lunch at some point over the Christmas period?

Ginseng1 · 10/11/2018 23:58

These Christmas threads are unreal. Why do people feel this awful pressure. do what suits you & your family. They are young (am not far off that myself!) Invite them if u want so u have zero guilt even if they don't come.