To not bother seeing my parents this Christmas?

[bahhumbug33]

My parents live around 50 miles away, but the roads aren't too good which means it takes about an hour and half each way to drive.

For various reasons, I try and keep visits to a minimum. Firstly, it's always me who has to make the effort and drive (they never come to me). Second, when I do go it's always horrible and I want to go home.

My parents have three cats, and while I love them, they make a lot of mess which leaves a really unpleasant smell in the house. Because one of them isn't too well these days, there are about three litter trays, including one right by the dining table! Added to this, they can't be bothered to clean the house properly, which means there are dirty plates, rubbish, and just mess everywhere. The bathroom also has mould, and is not cleaned regularly, so don't even like doing a wee while I'm there.

My father also refuses to put the heating on except for an hour in the evening, which means it's bloody cold.

As a result, I really don't want to spend time going to visit this Christmas, but maybe that makes me an awful person? There's no way they would come to me, my dad is just too lazy to drive the distance.

Late 40s isn't old. So you must be in your twenties OP. Why are you having to parent your parents when you are so young? They sound very selfish TBH or are there underlying issues?

The thing is, once you stop going home for Christmas then that is the end of a proper family relationship. Do you actually like them and do they like you?

Do you have other plans or would you be alone at Christmas ?

Why on earth should Op spend Christmas day cleaning her parents house!
If they were overwhelmed and have the money they could get a cleaner before she arrives.....
Not everyone needs help, some people are just dirty/mean with money.
OP, I wouldn't be going, I would explain why and give them a chance to sort it out but please don't spend your day cleaning their mess!

I didn’t know there ages op,

It really is up to you if you go. Maybe it would be worth talking to them about their house and improving matters so you can enjoy your time with them but that’s up to you. Hope you have a great Christmas whatever you decide

Invite them to yours. If they say no so be it. No need to go to theirs.

I think invite them. If they insist you come to them, make the gentlest honest comment you can 'honestly dad you know what a clean freak i am [ie normal] i find the cats and the bracing temperature at yours a bit much to cope with. Come to ours so that i can relax properly and spend time with you'.

I wouldn't go there - in fact I wouldn't want to visit them at home at all, but would try to meet in a cafe.

Over Christmas I would invite them to yours but refuse to go to theirs. They are only in their 40s, ffs! Your dad is too lazy to drive to see you so there's no pressure on you to go to see him.

How old are you? Have you got a family or are you single?

I doubt they will leave the cats to go to OPs house though.

They don't have to leave the cats! They only live 50 miles away.

Go for the day before christmas,take presents. Maybe take them out for a meal then come home,

If you dont want to do that the alternative is to tell them late of christmas eve that your car is buggered

Some pretty judgmental replies on here! Don't go. Don't feel guilty. They sound pretty poor parents to you 💐

How were they growing up? I doubt this
behaviour has come on suddenly.

Be honest with them.

I went through a period of depression and my house got on top of me. What spurred me on was me wanting to make it pleasant for my Adult children to visit and my Grandchildren to be happy in it.

They should see you as an Adult worthy of respect. Not putting the heating on etc, isn't on.

Don't feel an ounce of guilt over this. They don't seem to have any over the loss of a proper relationship with you.

One day they won’t be here Take a cardi , layer up.
Christmas is normally quite stressful, it’s never like in the movies. But these are your parents I would suggest just emptying the litter tray while your there and just be honest say it stinks, they will be used to the smell and not notice it.

Or invite them to yours. I would also suggest that your relationship might improve if you visited more often. You only get one set of parents ....

". I would also suggest that your relationship might improve if you visited more often. You only get one set of parents"

If they made their home inviting and visited their DD, the relationship would improve.

Whose to say the Parents will die first? We all won't be here on day. It's too short to be miserable.

I say that as the Mum of three Adult DDs.

Who has a stinking, cold house on Christmas Day, who isn't poor, or ill?

In their 40s! I wouldn't go and would tell them why. If they have no physical or mental health issues and a decent income, they need a wake call.

"One day they wont be here"

But that day may well be 35+ years away. Are you really suggesting thaf the OP spends the next 35 Christmases in a cold, filthy house?

Dont go OP. Invite them to yours at some point over the Christmas period. Enjoy yourself and dont feel guilty about it.

Maddy70 I have to assume you mean well but your comments are not helpful to someone who is already doing the lions share of keeping a relationship going due to the Fear Obligation & Guilt she is made to feel. Google FOG. Not all parents are to be treasured.
Where is their care & concern for her??

Tell them you're not going for Christmas. Invite them to you. If they come, great - if not even better 😉

explain that you're so cold it's uncomfortable when you visit. if they don't care, well, that says it all. i think the messiness you have to kind of pass on, it's their house.

litter tray by dining table should be moved if possible though.

i also think if they won't drive to you that says it all as well.

i'd try inviting them to yours this year and see what happens. if they accept, maybe it would be a lot nicer. hope it all works out for you.

Do you get on with your parents ? Are they kind ? If yes, could you maybe go and take them out, a nice meal at a hotel just before Xmas and then come home the same day.

If they are not nice people, I wouldn't bother going to see them due to their laziness and dirtiness.

What Zzzzz said. I'd be wondering if the squalor is a symptom of depression or an unhappy relationship... Can you broach it with one of them after a festive tipple to oil the wheels & find out or have they always been like this? Offer your Dad something towards the heating maybe? Heat for 1hour in winter is miserable. Failing that meet at a neutral venue for lunch or have them to yours.

Go over and have a meal in a pub, maybe do it xmaseve or Boxing Day.
They are possibly quite pleasant people but I hate visiting homes with the aroma of cats shit, let alone eating near it.

Can't help feeling that if the lazy, stingey, grubby, selfish behaviour was a new phenomenon OP might have said.

I think its a pity you think so little of your parents

Really? So we have to think well of parents who don’t give a toss about making their daughter feel welcome at home, don’t bother visit her and don’t clean up cat shit? Just because they are her parents doesn’t mean she cannot think badly of them.

And the people saying to help them are making me chuckle. Clearly you have never experienced parents like this. My parents are similar in terms of mess. I have been round many times to help them. It always goes back. And they have been like it since they were about 40. They are of sound mind, professional people who can cope. They just don’t a fuck.

Don’t go OP.