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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does the host pay the bill?

63 replies

HyggeMe · 10/11/2018 18:16

I’m organising a Sunday lunch in a nice pub for my husbands birthday in a few weeks.

I’ve invited up to 30 family and friends, my husband isn’t aware of it as it’s going to be a bit of a surprise.

My feeling is as the host and organiser I should pay for the meal bill but everyone can get their own drinks (some drink alcohol, some don’t and there will be a few under 18’s also so they will have soft drinks).

But when I’ve mentioned this to some of the guests they’ve all been horrified and said they’d pay for their own meal AND drinks and I shouldn’t be paying at all for everyone else (just for my family bill.)

So what is the correct thing to do as the host? Is everyone just being polite saying they want to pay?

I want to prepay a chunk of money so no one is arguing over the bill when it arrives and they can go to the bar and pay for their own drinks etc

OP posts:
CheshireSplat · 10/11/2018 18:18

If you really want to pay and can afford it, then I'd just stick to your guns and say you'd like to. It sounds lovely and very kind.

Blanchedupetitpois · 10/11/2018 18:19

I would expect to pay my own way under those circumstances

needsahouseboy · 10/11/2018 18:19

I wouldn't expect anyone to pay for my meal. However, the rich folk of mumsnet will say otherwise.

OhioOhioOhio · 10/11/2018 18:20

I think you should pay too.

19lottie82 · 10/11/2018 18:20

Hmm. If I was a guest then I wouldn’t expect the host to pay, but if I was the host then I would expect to pay, IYSWIM!

I’d ask the pub to offer a set menu at a fixed price pp then you know how much you will be spending and there won’t be any nasty surprises.

Redtartanshoes · 10/11/2018 18:21

I wouldn’t expect it but it would be a nice thing to to if you can afford.

I can see why you would do it also to stop fuss over the bill and awkwardness at the end.

Violetroselily · 10/11/2018 18:22

I'd expect to pay for my own, but I've been to occasions like this where the host has paid for the food and then everyone their own drinks. I think that's a very generous thing to do, your guests should be grateful.

namechangedtoday15 · 10/11/2018 18:26

There are lots of threads about this - I think as a host you should pay - in my side of the family, that's just the way it is. You host = you pay. My parents for example would be mortified / almost offended if they invited people out for a meal and someone paid their own way.

My DHs family on the other hand quite often organise meals like this then ask everyone to pay.

I think what you're offering is very kind and the "right" way of doing it obviously biased Smile

Howhot · 10/11/2018 18:26

In my family no way would the organiser be expected to pay. I have very generous family but we're not rich, no one would expect just one person to take on the whole bill. I'd just be happy to have the opportunity to celebrate and catch up with my family and would happily pay for my own.

Original poster
HyggeMe · 10/11/2018 18:26

Ah a mixed response

A set menu is a good idea! I'll phone them on Monday to see if we can sort it.
It's always a fuss when the bill comes, I'd rather the guests get their own drinks and put towards a nice tip for the waiting staff as they will be kept busy by us no doubt. Also I bet my in-laws would want to pay a chunk of the bill and I don't want them to do that. It wasn't their idea so I isn't fair on them.

I'm not rich either but my husband and I don't buy each other birthday and Christmas presents generally so I thought this would be a nice gesture for him.

It's mainly his family and a few of our mutual friends. I thought about doing it at home but I decided I'd rather someone else do the washing up and have a few glasses of wine and enjoy the afternoon.

OP posts:
MyCakeFellOnTheGrass · 10/11/2018 18:27

I would ask pub for a set menu. WhatsApp it to invitees so they have an idea of price. Word it like, it’s Andy’s birthday on the 23rd. We were thinking of a nice pub lunch and it would be wonderful if you would be able to come too and we could make a day of it.

That way you’re not ‘hosting’ them.

When I was struggling, I would have to budget to get together the 22.50 for a starter main and sparkling water. If the bill was an unknown I wouldn’t be able to go to avoid embarrassment. Make sure it’s clear.

ConciseandNice · 10/11/2018 18:28

As a guest I’d assume the host was paying, nevertheless I would definitely offer to pay as that’s a whole lot of cash for 30 people.

1ndig0 · 10/11/2018 18:33

Hi OP - yes I think you should pay as you invited everyone after all. If everyone came to your home, you wouldn’t expect them to contribute. You are the host - that means you er... host!
If you’re worried about the cost, then ask for a set menu and prepay. As you say, it’s only once a year. I’m sure your friends would do the same for you.
So don’t mention anything to anyone and just sort the bill. It’s lovely to treat people on such an occasion. Enjoy!

iamyourequal · 10/11/2018 18:38

I think you should pay for the meal too. If you don’t then what would you be contributing as host? It would be really mean hosting to expect guests to travel to venue, pay for their own meal and drinks and bring a present for your DH.
I would definitely ask the venue for a special 2 or 3 course set price menu, with a choice of 3 items for each course or so. This will allow you to budget and will stop people taking the rise ordering king prawns and fillet steak at your expense. If your in-laws are sure they would like to contribute you could suggest they pay for everyone to have one drink on arrival. Once everyone has arrived and received their drink, make a toast to wish DH happy birthday, thank PIL for the arrival drink, then politely clarify to all that you have laid on special menu but if they wish drinks, they can get them from the bar. Have a great day!

HollyBollyBooBoo · 10/11/2018 18:38

I think you've invited them you pay unless when you invited them you made it clear what the alternative was.

LockedOutOfMN · 10/11/2018 18:41

I'd do what you had planned, OP, pay for the food and let people pay for their own drinks.

In that situation I would do the same as you (as a host) and as a guest I'd think it correct for you to pay for the food although I wouldn't be "shocked" or "furious" or think you were really rude if I was asked to pay for my own (probably would be a bit miffed at bill splitting with many strangers especially if some had ordered much more and didn't offer to cover that...but now I'm well into the realms of what ifs).

Hope your DH has a lovely birthday!

Racecardriver · 10/11/2018 18:42

A good host never expects anything from his guests.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 10/11/2018 18:45

For a party of 30 you would definitely need to pre order. See if you can negotiate a set menu and set price for 2 or 3 courses. Could get very pricey if all 30 turn up with free rein over the menu

CoughLaughFart · 10/11/2018 18:49

I’d never expect to have my meal paid for if someone invited me out for their birthday - in fact, in my most recent birthday my friends insisted on treating me. However, I’d think it was a lovely gesture if you did treat everyone.

Merryoldgoat · 10/11/2018 18:50

I would expect to pay my own way but would graciously accept if you offered.

I would say that anything that makes it complicated is irritating, so I’d either pay for everything including all drinks, or nothing.

Regnamechanger · 10/11/2018 18:53

I don't know what (wealthy) planet some people live on, but I would always expect to pay my way. It's actually more usual to find that someone pays the drinks bill...

You could just buy everyone their first drink maybe.

Flowerpot2005 · 10/11/2018 18:53

I'd expect to pay my own tbh. Why not buy a welcome drink & put x amount of bottles of wine out for the meal?

Whitecurrants · 10/11/2018 18:53

It would be lovely if you pay but perfectly reasonable if you don't. The important thing is to make it really clear whether you are paying as early as possible (ideally when you send out the invitations).

mummmy2017 · 10/11/2018 18:55

What about getting the pub to do a buffet. And you tell them how much you want to spend?
NO one expects to pay for a buffet. We also used the skittle alley and everyone paid for their own drinks.

Ibizama · 10/11/2018 18:56

You would pay for 30 peoples meals? Are you insane? (or minted)

Why would 30 people want to come to a birthday meal? Is it a massive milestone birthday or something?

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