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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas gift AIBU

100 replies

crispysausagerolls · 10/11/2018 10:05

New to the parenting thing and had a dispute with my mother last night as we have bought our son a walker for Christmas, and she wants to buy him the same as his gift. Her explanation is that she would like the walker to stay at her place. She does not have any other grandchildren but hopefully in a few years will, and would like them to use it too. I understand that, but then it’s not really a Christmas gift for DS is it? Or is this the norm/what grandparents do? AIBU to think a gift should be something the child can keep/have at home?

OP posts:
OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 10/11/2018 17:42

Sorry for the delay in response, I was (ironically) at my mother’s. As it is, she has now decided to buy him something else. Where it is going to be kept was not discussed 🙈😁 I really appreciate at the points of view. Of course I love that she wants stuff for him there, and I realise it might seem spoilt, I just think it’s the fact she dressed it up as if it’s a gift for him. If she just said “rather than get him
a gift persay, I would rather just spend the money getting a general toy/walker whatever for my house” it wouldn’t have annoyed me at all. I also think it’s just a waste of money due to the proximity between our homes and the lack of time spent there. Even if he spends more time with her, surely he would like different toys?

It does show how these threads derailthough - one poster even thinks I’m referring to myMIL for some reason, and so many posts about the dangers of baby walkers!

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 10/11/2018 17:54

If your mum is looking after your child for long periods of time, especially if they are saving you childcare fees, then you should really provide these things if they are needed. If not then how much is it really going to be used to justify the spend/clutter?

But she’s not. I’m a SAHM. The time she spends with DS is voluntary.

I think I’m just more concerned about it setting a precedent and him being older and gifts he wants to take home and can’t, but as i said we are close so I’m sure she wouldn’t allow that to happen - she’s generally reasonable and a wonderful mother.

Sometimes I despair at MN though. Lots of great responses here and I appreciate it’s a mixed bag and in general I am being unreasonable. No problem with that - I asked the question to establish what the norm is. The amount of posters who like to just jump in and say I’m “incredibly rude” etc based on me DARING to ask if it’s the norm, or calling me entitled for shock horror having a loving mother who will buy my son a gift. JFC.

I actually think this has been a pretty interesting talking point and I’ve enjoyed reading the arguments on each side. Thanks everyone😘

OP posts:
JKCR2017 · 10/11/2018 17:55

In the past my mother has brought DC gifts to keep at her house. It was kinda grateful as I was living in a small place and had no room for loads of toys.

However, one year my mother brought me/my son a travel cot on 20th birthday (I was a younger mum) so he could stay there sometimes. I get the idea but it was my birthday and a travel cot sucked especially as it was sold as new 3 months later as it was never used because he never stayed there 😂😂😩

jenthehen · 10/11/2018 18:00

I get what you mean! My parents hyped up a big present for their 4 grandchildren to share (my 2 and my niece and nephew). It was a unicycle....to be kept at theirs. I know it was expensive. They never looked after my children but they had my niece and nephew every day before and after school. My nephews best friend had a unicycle. I last saw the unicycle 5 years ago, as did my son and daughter 🤔

cinnabarmoth · 10/11/2018 18:26

I don't think it's unreasonable for grandparents to buy a toy for a small child and keep it at their house, particularly when the parents have already got one or will get one. Until they're a bit older, children are not really aware of the concept of birthdays/Christmas and presents to keep anyway. To the PPs saying it's not a gift for the child if they don't get to take it home, it's a gift for the grandparent, really? Can't see grandparents getting much use out of baby or toddler toys when there are no small children about!

thegreylady · 10/11/2018 18:32

I am a grandma of 9. Birthday and Christmas gifts are for the child to have at home. Toys for my house are communal and are bought between times by dh and I.
Of course if a dgc falls in love with one of ‘my’ toys they can take it home for a while.

LL83 · 10/11/2018 18:59

It won't set a precedent. As soon as your dc can speak gran will be excited to please him. She won't stop him taking anything home.

Really don't understand logic that it's not a present if it stays at her house. Your mum is not going to use it. I would be glad she wants him to be entertained at her house.

Blondebakingmumma · 11/11/2018 08:40

I truly find poster responses interesting. You would never say to grandma
“I know you love drinking tea, so I’ve bought you a beautiful tea pot for your birthday! But, the teapot will stay at my house (although you only visit once a month) that way any other tea drinkers that visit me can use it too!

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 11/11/2018 08:47

Blondebakingmumma

That’s exactly what I mean! The principle is extremely bizarre to me, so I was interested in what other people do.

OP posts:
DoJo · 11/11/2018 18:09

My mum has a set of trains at her house that my son loves (alongside a load of other toys). She doesn't have any other grandchildren. My son once begged her to let him bring them home with us, and she, of course, said ok. They came home with us, sat, unused for a month or so, and then the next time we were planning to visit my mum, my son said 'We need to take those back to Grandma's. We duly loaded them into the car, took them back and as soon as we got there he asked to get them out of the car and played with them lovingly until we left.

sue51 · 11/11/2018 18:17

Its not much of a present if it's not allowed to leave your mother's house. That saying, you can't dictate to other people what they buy and where it goes. Why not tell your mother that you have decided to keep your Christmas present to her at your house this year.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 11/11/2018 23:17

The teapot analogy is silly. This is a toddler. It’s a relatively expensive, bulky item and he already has one at his house so why would need another? As soon as he’s old enough to realise what Christmas is and that his toy from grandma is his then I would agree with you. But he doesmt know what the hell is going on. All he knows is that there is a baby walker at grandma’s. End of.

I also find people’s responses fascinating.

Blondebakingmumma · 11/11/2018 23:36

Interesting. So because the bub is too young as to know any better, then he doesn’t get to keep his gift. But as soon as he is old enough to notice, he gets to keep them?

Blondebakingmumma · 11/11/2018 23:37

Why not buy a different gift so there is no double up?

Blondebakingmumma · 11/11/2018 23:38

Sounds like grandma is buying the ‘gift’ because she would like one, not based on what her gc needs 🤔

garethsouthgatesmrs · 11/11/2018 23:45

OP give it a year and you will be deperate for her to keep her lovely gift piece of plastic tat at her house as yours will be so cluttered with crap!

I agree it's a bit unusual to insist on a gift for a child when the parents say no but also think you are being a but pfb and ultimately it doesnt matter. Is it because it's your baby's first christmas and you want them to get a gift that is memorable and a bit personal? If so just say that to your mum. A walker for her house given the circs will almost definitely be a waste of money for her anyway.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 12/11/2018 11:10

is it because it's your baby's first christmas and you want them to get a gift that is memorable and a bit personal? If so just say that to your mum. A walker for her house given the circs will almost definitely be a waste of money for her anyway.

It’s not this - it’s really just that I think it’s bizarre to buy a gift for someone, even if they are not aware of it, that they don’t get to actually use/for other children to use in the future. Now she wants to buy something I don’t have, but I am not sure if she wants it at her place or mine - but seeing as he is here every day and could make use of it, surely here makes more sense! I do understand the point of having “grandma’s toys”, but I wouldn’t expect them to be things he received as birthday or Christmas gifts. I’d be more than happy if he spent more time there to give some of his toys to her anyway to keep there/buy some others for her anyway.

OP posts:
dogwoofbark · 12/11/2018 13:26

Again. The sense of entitlement is strong with you op.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 12/11/2018 13:37

dogwoofbark

Please explain how it’s entitled to expect that a gift given is one that can be taken home with the recipient.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/11/2018 17:23

Are you a bit short on toys in your house, OP? Not being snarky, I just wondered if that makes a difference to your viewpoint? having been through the toddler stages years ago and knowing how much builds up in the house where kids’ toys are concerned, I woukd be delighted if some toys from GP had stayed elsewhere that first Christmas. We went a bit overboard and then went to both sets of GPs houses on Christmas Day and came back with another car load. It was ridiculous. Both sets of GPs would have been offended if i’d Asked to keep some of them at their houses. However if I had only been unable to afford one or two toys at Christmas then I wouldn’t have been impressed with a GC hanging on to it.

I think you might have had different responses if you’d have focussed on your confusion over why your mum wanted to buy the exact SAME item as you Already have in your house (I assume it is exactly that same) rather than focus on “it’s not a gift if it doesn’t come home wirh us” and “she wants other GC to be able to use it” which suggested you didn’t think DS should share his toys.

Seems like she’s thought better of buying something he already has, so it’s not like she’s not thoughtful. What is the item, by the way? It really isn’t worth falling out over or even feeling hurt about.

HurrahMoaningMyrtle · 12/11/2018 17:41

thegreylady I'm totally with you

I would find it odd to OP and don't think you sound entitled

My attitude probably stems from when DS was little and my MIL bought every bit of baby kit going for her house. We live

HurrahMoaningMyrtle · 12/11/2018 17:42

Too not to 😠

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 12/11/2018 18:55

curlyhaired

I’m not annoyed and we definitely won’t fall out - I just wanted to know what usually
Happens to grandparent’s presents.

I also am VERY happy for DS to share all of his toys and other things, it’s just the way she phrased it was a bit 😒

OP posts:
Mummyofscamps · 12/11/2018 19:25

So the walker will stay at her house, and be available for any future grandchildren? Then i personally dont think its a present for your dc, its a 'toy for nannas house'. Yanbu

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