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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas gift AIBU

100 replies

crispysausagerolls · 10/11/2018 10:05

New to the parenting thing and had a dispute with my mother last night as we have bought our son a walker for Christmas, and she wants to buy him the same as his gift. Her explanation is that she would like the walker to stay at her place. She does not have any other grandchildren but hopefully in a few years will, and would like them to use it too. I understand that, but then it’s not really a Christmas gift for DS is it? Or is this the norm/what grandparents do? AIBU to think a gift should be something the child can keep/have at home?

OP posts:
FishCanFly · 10/11/2018 10:39

YABU. if you kid is of age that he needs a walker, he won't care or remember Xmas gifts

dogwoofbark · 10/11/2018 10:39

A swing set at Grandma's house? Gosh, what selfish assholes. Some of you need to give your spoilt heads a wobble.

Casmama · 10/11/2018 10:40

“Horrible idea” ffs!
Maybe your mum would like to babysit at her house a bit more and thinks it would be handy to have?
Anyway, you don’t get to dictate what other people buy. If you’ve discussed it and expressed your opinion then leave it there, it’s really not something to get worked up about.

toomuchtooold · 10/11/2018 10:44

I don't think there's any issue with this. If it was an older kid I suppose you might say it's slightly disappointing not to give them something they can have home with them but he's only one, he won't have any clue that there's anything to be disappointed about. There's really very little that a one year old actually needs or can play with so getting something bigger that can be used for subsequent grandkids is a good idea IMO. It would be different if he was older and likely to be disappointed that he couldn't take it home - like as a PP said if they bought a swingset for their garden, and you didn't have one in your garden, and called it a present, that would be a bit mean. This isn't mean.

TSSDNCOP · 10/11/2018 10:47

I had a duplicate of everything at my mums. The only thing that needed to be moved was DS.

Nanna50 · 10/11/2018 10:48

My house is full of toys, puzzles, easel, craft stuff, garages and dolls house paraphernalia and garden toys, as I often buy Christmas or birthday gifts for my DGC that stay at my house and when they are here they share them, just as they would if they visited each other’s houses. Sometimes they go back and forth to the parents house.

I also have lots of clothes here, just makes it easier when they DGC visit or stay, it’s never been an issue for the parents or DGC. Maybe I’m the exception?

Racecardriver · 10/11/2018 10:51

Honestly, it’s better than having a whole bunch of plastic stuff forced upon you. But do be careful with walkers, they’re not great.

SugarPlumLairy · 10/11/2018 10:53

People saying YABU have missed the point.

It sets the precedent that grandmas gifts are what grandma wants and stay with grandma. Which isn’t great.

What if he were a bit older and she bought him a much wanted game, but it had to stay with her at her house? Or if other grandchildren arrive and all the gifts have to stay with her for sharing? That’s not cool. Holding gifts ransom so you visit more? Manipulative. What if you fall out with her? Your kid will be complaining that it’s your fault he can’t have his toys that are at grandmas?

If she wants to kit her home out with a nursery/playroom then that’s her choice but That’s not what she is doing.

I’d make it very clear that gifts go home with the recipient. Keeping presents at her home do t guarantee visits and Big gifts need to be discussed with you first. YOU are the parent, your child goes by your decisions.

Good luck.

Oysterbabe · 10/11/2018 10:53

Give it time and you'll be begging her to keep stuff at hers. You can't move in my house for kids stuff. Enjoy trying to keep your house minimalist while your child is too young to notice or care.

dogwoofbark · 10/11/2018 10:56

I thought walkers were illegal now anyway?!

weekfour · 10/11/2018 10:57

I'd be mega chuffed if half the plastic tat stayed at someone else's house.

FishCanFly · 10/11/2018 11:01

It sets the precedent that grandmas gifts are what grandma wants and stay with grandma. Which isn’t great.

the child is a BABY. Wait till he's old enough to express his Xmas wishes himself.

lazyarse123 · 10/11/2018 11:05

You do seem a bit ungrateful. To the pp who thinks it's manipulative i don't get why you think that, it's nice to have things at grandmas house and so much easier than carting stuff around. Your mum will probably buy some bits and pieces as well as the big gift.

Lauren83 · 10/11/2018 11:10

My DS loves his walker and I would love him to have another at the grandparents for when he visits, I wouldn't mind it being a present either, they often buy him toys and I say to keep them there so he has some for when he visits

thecatsthecats · 10/11/2018 11:11

I just can't imagine getting hung up on this sort of thing.

Baby doesn't care. Baby has a near-Buddhist concept of possessions and ownership.

Baby uses said item there. When he doesn't need it anymore, other babies will use it there. Baby still won't care.

Baby has toys and stuff in both places, and people who love him.

Yet YOU care that there will not be any item in your house that recognises that on Christmas Day 2018 his grandparents gave him something? Because otherwise "it's not really a gift for DS"?

Nope, sorry, just doesn't twig to me.

PlainPiglet · 10/11/2018 11:16

Assuming you're not referring to another item and I have got the wrong end of the stick , I would think twice about either of you buying a walker. They are dangerous and bad for development:
www.shb.scot.nhs.uk/departments/physiotherapy/Myths_About_BabyWalkers.pdf
www.swbh.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/babywalkersv42.pdf

DontCallMeCharlotte · 10/11/2018 11:21

The main thing is we aren’t usually at her place as we live close to her and she always comes to ours, so it wouldn’t really get used.

Okay, that's a bit weird then!

Jaxtellerswife · 10/11/2018 11:22

Dogwoofbark they are illegal in Canada but not here yet.

Nitpickpicnic · 10/11/2018 11:23

Some grandparents are a bit too interested in themselves, rather than the kid.

My mother managed to turn up to last Christmas (hosted by us) with no gift at all for her only grandkid, our dd. Said there was one waiting for her at her place, but she wanted it to stay there so didn’t bring it. Seriously. Plus she knew we were heading away on holiday for 3 weeks on Boxing Day, so no chance to unwrap it for a month?

My mother likes to use gifts as ‘bait’ to make our dd want to come to her place. At least your DM doesn’t sound like she’s playing that game. Count yourself lucky, I guess.

rainbowstardrops · 10/11/2018 11:55

I honestly can't see the problem, sorry.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/11/2018 12:05

Christ this is such a non issue, OP, you’re being petty and wierd. Anything bought for a baby will not be used for long anyway as they move into other things so fast at that age. They have no idea who the gift is from or even of the concept of gifts so your baby won’t give a monkeys. It’s all YOUR issue. Fast forward a couple of years and your house will be groaning with plastic tat that other people insist on buying your child for your house, so just this sensible and practical gift!

You don’t get much for a fiver these days in terms of baby toys. Would you REALLY want her to buy a little thing to keep at your house that will last 5 mins just so that you can imagine your child will well and truly know how much Granny loves him and him alone? Hmm

Celebelly · 10/11/2018 12:05

I can't see the problem either. If he's at the stage of using a walker, he's too young to know the concept of Christmas presents, and I'd rather he had something he would get use of and that's practical than some cheap plastic tat or toys that won't really get used. And it's a good idea to buy things that successive grandchildren will get use of.

For my nieces and nephews' Christmas one year, my parents bought a ride-on battery-operated mini truck that stays at their house, and oh my goodness, no other present came anywhere close. Three years later, the first thing they do on arrival is beg to ride the truck round the garden. None of them care that they don't take it home or that it belongs to all the grandkids - they just love playing with it and it's a highlight of going over to gran and grandpa's house. The older nieces and nephews get their own presents to take home now they're old enough, but babies don't need gifts to take home – and I think it's actually really nice your mum is getting something that she knows will be used.

TheGrassIsGreener3 · 10/11/2018 12:14

It is quite normal for presents to stay at the grandparents' house. But from experience, when a grandparent buys say some building blocks for the grandchild, it's up to the parent to decide where they go. So, the parent might say 'DC has a lot of blocks at our house already, why don't you keep them at your house?'

I would personally let your DM buy your DC the walker if she insists. When she realises that the walker hasn't been used much when your DC outgrows it, maybe then she'll realise that it makes more sense for presents to go home with your DC.

LadyBathory · 10/11/2018 12:34

My mother bought DD a few toys for her Birthday some of which stay at hers. An extra present would be nice but she’s spending a lot of money to make sure your child has freedom of movement around her place and enjoyment. I would drop the issue fgs she might even buy another small gift.

user1457017537 · 10/11/2018 12:37

Dogwoofbark I agree. How controlling if MIL wants to buy a walker with her money it’s her privilege.