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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know i am, i wish i wasn't...

92 replies

corbynistasister · 08/11/2018 22:33

I'm going on my first date tomorrow since a really shite breakup last November! A full year of cleansing of the bullshit and working on myself.

The guy i'm going on a date with is someone I've known for a while - I've worked with him one weekend last year at a festival when I was still with my ex. He's really lovely. He strikes me as a bit insecure the times I have spoken to him, but he's funny and caring - he told some men off last year for calling me sexist names.

Anywaaay, I bumped into him on Monday and we spoke for a while. He then text me saying it was really forward but would I like to go on a date - I said yes obviously.

So here's the AIBU ... since Monday he has text me constantly. Which is kinda okay, but also kinda very teenagery and i really can't be arsed with all that. He always texts things that in my eyes are quite, i dunno, coupley?! like he texts me like good morning have a good day and stuff (eugh I hate it i dont know why!)

For context, the last relationship was shite - cheating and physical abuse and whatnot. I ALWAYS liked this guy when I was with my ex and I drunkenly told my best friend last year that I wish I was single so I could be with him.

SO WHY HAS MY MIND TURNED TO NOT GOING TOMORROW. I can feel myself turning against the idea and I don't know why. I literally got annoyed before because he text me asking where I wanted to go tomorrow and that he was excited to catch up.

I do like him. I fancy him. We have chemistry. I am over my ex. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

OP posts:
coffeekittens · 08/11/2018 22:35

Maybe you’re not used to a guy being nice to you? After years of shit relationships I struggle when guys are nice to me, I can deal with cold and aloof but not kind and in to me.

SneakyGremlins · 08/11/2018 22:35

You say he's insecure, maybe that's why he texts you so much?

I'd go on the date. Maybe bring up the texting?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/11/2018 22:35

I dont think there IS anything wrong with you. That all sounds a bit full-on and suffocating to me.

Bluntness100 · 08/11/2018 22:36

He's coming on too strong and being too needy. It's too much too soon and it's turning you off.

Go, stop responding to him quickly if you are. But go. You might have fun and he might get over it.

Moominfan · 08/11/2018 22:37

Nothing wrong with you. It's intense, I'd be wary, trust your gut your just not into him. When you was in a shitty relationship it was greener grass

OneStepMoreFun · 08/11/2018 22:37

Could be cold feet or nerves. Or it could be the more challenging issue that you don't respect anyone who treats you well because underneath you don't think you're worthy of respect.
It's just a date. He's someone you know, like and fancy. Just enjoy the evening and try not to think less of him for treating you well. That sort of neurosis needs confronting (if that's what it is.)

Devillanelle · 08/11/2018 22:39

I think you should give it a go and see how things go. People do text a lot these days and having all day conversations that don't even switch off at night has become a new kind of normal for many of us. Maybe you don't want to go because you're nervous too?

Lindy2 · 08/11/2018 22:42

Go on the date and enjoy a night out.
One date doesn't mean you are a couple but if you've liked him a while you might get on well.
Just be honest and say he doesn't need to text so much. He's probably nervous too and not sure how to act. I think he's probably just trying to be caring.

CardsforKittens · 08/11/2018 22:43

I wouldn't like constant texting in this situation. I would respond to two texts a day maximum. If he took the hint and backed off a bit, that would be a good sign. If he got annoyed and demanded replies I'd run for the hills.

CottonTailRabbit · 08/11/2018 22:43

Oh, so you agreed to go on a date and now he's acting like you are his girlfriend even before you've been on the damn date. That would annoy me too.

I'd still go on the date. See how it goes. Tell him your messaging preferences, i.e. less is more.

Original poster
corbynistasister · 08/11/2018 22:43

@Moominfan

I can't explain it - I do like him, I am into him. If it was anyone it would be him.

I think it's because I now know he likes me - does that make sense? Like the guards have gone back up now like "dont you dare turn out to be like the rest of them" - maybe he'll be the lesson that all men are in fact like my ex.

I hate this - he deserves someone normal to be with

OP posts:
longwayoff · 08/11/2018 22:43

Slow down corbyn, sounds like you have some self-hatred for want of a better term, as if you want to sabotage this before it begins. In light of your former relationship, you're not used to being treated decently. I understand when you're not used to being cared for it can be alarming as you dont know how to react but try to give it a chance, you might get to like it. He sounds ok, not excessive, just interested in you and your company.

LordNibbler · 08/11/2018 22:46

Maybe this guy is just very excited and happy to have finally got a date with you. Sounds like he's liked you for a quite a while and can't believe his luck.
Give him a chance, he sounds like a decent chap. It's one date, and if you're not keen after you don't have to go out with him again.

Singlenotsingle · 08/11/2018 22:53

Sounds like he is just pleased and excited. I think once he asked you out and you said yes, it moves things forward ever so slightly. I wouldn't be worried if I was in your shoes; it's not as though he's some random off the streets. Take it slowly, see how it goes...and I hope you have a lovely evening!

Aquamarine1029 · 08/11/2018 23:00

I think you should go on the date, but I also REALLY think you need to be honest with him about the texting. Tell him if you do continue to see each other you want to take it slow, and all of the constant texting isn't for you and it's suffocating.

After being in an abusive relationship, make sure you start off any future relationships the right way. Be upfront and honest. If he doesn't like it, then you'll know right away and not waste any time.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/11/2018 23:03

I understand.

In your fantasy relationship he is perfect, everything you need him to be. He does and says everything you want.

Once you start dating there will inevitably be things that he gets "wrong". Not actually wrong, but wrong compared to your fantasy version of him. And of course he could turn out to be a complete dickhead!

I would date him but I agree with PP that it would be worth saying that you find the constant texting to be a bit much.

PolkaDoting · 08/11/2018 23:17

When you say he texts you constantly, how often is that?

Original poster
corbynistasister · 08/11/2018 23:40

@PolkaDoting

Without being too outing he's got quite a professional job works from around 8am - 6pm (won't text much apart from 1 or 2 between these times)
but then after 7pm its constant - like a stream of consciousness. It's interesting stuff he says but there was this one time where I text him saying I was having a migraine and to speak later, he text back with recommendations on what to do and then because I didn't reply after like 4 hours (I was in bed!) he text me saying "hope you're feeling okay, migraines are shit! you okay?"

  • why do i think that's weird?
OP posts:
Original poster
corbynistasister · 08/11/2018 23:42

@PyongyangKipperbang

In your fantasy relationship he is perfect, everything you need him to be. He does and says everything you want.

Exactly. He's the savior isn't he - the lovely guy I should have always been with. And now it's happening I can feel myself shoving it all away.

I am so used to men treating me badly that having him ask about me and say he's excited to see me is turning my stomach. Maybe I am not ready

OP posts:
TheDayMyButtWentPsycho · 08/11/2018 23:43

I would absolutely hate it if someone was badgering texting me constantly.
It's annoying.

No one texts me that much, not even DH or my kids. I wouldn't like to be pestered and it would be a huge turn off for me if it was a potential date.

It feels desperate.

Rachelover40 · 08/11/2018 23:44

Please do go on the date, he sounds like a nice chap albeit somewhat OTT. If you go on a few dates with him, and like him, his 'overthetopness' can be addressed but it will probably calm down.

Have a great time and tell us all about it.

PolkaDoting · 08/11/2018 23:45

Stream of conciousness texting from someone you haven’t even been on a date with yet?

Mansplaining migraines?

I think you’ll find that the reality of him doesn’t match the fantasy. But can’t hurt to meet for a date. Tell him he’s being a little full on and see what his reaction is.

Original poster
corbynistasister · 08/11/2018 23:47

I just think it's different because I know him - all my friends know him. If it was a stranger I would be far less impressed with the texting...

OP posts:
Original poster
corbynistasister · 08/11/2018 23:48

@PolkaDoting

he's a doctor

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 08/11/2018 23:51

he left it 4 hours! that doesnt sound that bad.

personally i would just not reply or leave my phone upstairs some evenings. When you see him you can be honest about the texting being a bit suffocating but if you want to be more subtle just say something general like, " I am not much of a texter in the evenings" or "i prefer not to look at my phone too much after work so dont be offended if i don't text you much"

definitely go on the date don't chicken out. it could be great and if it's not thats the time to cool it .