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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know i am, i wish i wasn't...

92 replies

corbynistasister · 08/11/2018 22:33

I'm going on my first date tomorrow since a really shite breakup last November! A full year of cleansing of the bullshit and working on myself.

The guy i'm going on a date with is someone I've known for a while - I've worked with him one weekend last year at a festival when I was still with my ex. He's really lovely. He strikes me as a bit insecure the times I have spoken to him, but he's funny and caring - he told some men off last year for calling me sexist names.

Anywaaay, I bumped into him on Monday and we spoke for a while. He then text me saying it was really forward but would I like to go on a date - I said yes obviously.

So here's the AIBU ... since Monday he has text me constantly. Which is kinda okay, but also kinda very teenagery and i really can't be arsed with all that. He always texts things that in my eyes are quite, i dunno, coupley?! like he texts me like good morning have a good day and stuff (eugh I hate it i dont know why!)

For context, the last relationship was shite - cheating and physical abuse and whatnot. I ALWAYS liked this guy when I was with my ex and I drunkenly told my best friend last year that I wish I was single so I could be with him.

SO WHY HAS MY MIND TURNED TO NOT GOING TOMORROW. I can feel myself turning against the idea and I don't know why. I literally got annoyed before because he text me asking where I wanted to go tomorrow and that he was excited to catch up.

I do like him. I fancy him. We have chemistry. I am over my ex. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

OP posts:
wallyfeatures · 09/11/2018 07:46

I've been married to my 'initially over-enthusiastic, messages all the time' date for over 10 years now. I'm lucky if I receive one text a day Grin He calmed right down after a few weeks. With him it was down to massive insecurity. I take pride in the fact that he must now feel extremely secure Confused

Jent13c · 09/11/2018 07:53

I dont know anything about the modern dating scene but my husband and I would text constantly when we are apart. Like obviously if we are busy or cba or dont have our phones on us then we wont reply, it's not a big deal at all but if anything happened through the day we would text each other and send each other photos and things. He is the polar opposite of controlling and has never played a game or acted aloof in his life. We have communicated like that (like every morning/night we are apart since we were dating). I'm at uni so hang out with a people a few years younger than me and they are all texting their dates constantly too. I didn't realise that this wasnt the norm!

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 09/11/2018 08:05

He just sounds like he really likes you and is a little over enthusiastic. Coupled with the fact your past treatment might have had the “I don’t deserve the good guy” effect. I’ve been there, my ex was a nasty abusing prick and when I met my DH, a year after I left my ex, it took a long while to feel that I did deserve this amazing special treatment (that turned out to be being treated just normally, BTW).

My lovely DH was a bit full on, he’d not had many girlfriends and the few he’d had were not particularly appreciative of his kind and generous nature. We actually nearly never made a second date because he’d said something daft on his enthusiasm to woo me, but some good friends told me to stop being daft and give him a chance. The rest is history.

If he’s a good guy and you like him then talk to him and give him a chance. It’s a date, not a lifetime commitment unless you want it to be!

TeddybearBaby · 09/11/2018 08:13

There’s a tool I use in counselling when you feel a certain way and can’t figure out why. It’s really simple, you start with how you feel and then you have a downward arrow and the word why. Eventually you should get to the emotion. I did it once and it went something like this; I feel nervous in class why? because I don’t want people looking at me, why? because I haven’t got anything good to say, why?......... this went on for a while until the bottom one said ‘I don’t feel good enough’ which made it easier to address the nerves. So you could start off with ‘this guy messaging constantly is annoying me’ why? It’s too full on why? Anyway it might help or not. At the bottom you could have anything ‘you’re scared’ ‘you’re very independent’ whatever.

Good luck and I hope everything works out!!

TheDayMyButtWentPsycho · 09/11/2018 08:18

I like that Teddybearbaby.

crochetmonkey74 · 09/11/2018 08:27

I think you're scared- maybe go, but bring up that you're not that in to texting constantly?

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 09/11/2018 08:44

I think the texting sounds pretty normal and I would be glad to find someone who doesn’t buy into the whole will he/won’t he game. I get that some people enjoy the ‘mystery’ or whatever but in my experience, most people that end up dating long-term say that they didn’t really bother with all that in the beginning. I met my now-fiancé after months of online dating, and it was a breath of fresh air to find that he just texted me whenever he had something to say, and I could do the same.

However...

He strikes me as a bit insecure the times I have spoken to him

This set off alarm bells for me. What did you mean by this? ‘Insecure’ can mean a lot of different things but it’s rarely a good thing! My abusive ex was definitely deeply insecure, which is probably why it sets off alarm bells for me.

MirriVan · 09/11/2018 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/11/2018 10:45

You liked him before so I would be straight with him and during the date find a way to tell him you don't like so much texting. It would put most people off to be honest so don't feel weird about it.

mcmooberry · 09/11/2018 10:48

I don't think you ABU, it does sound a bit needy and not quite living up to the fantasy! However, please do go on the date - and report back! I often think one of the/the one good thing(s) about being in a relationship is having someone to text nonsense to so maybe that's how he feels.

ocelot7 · 09/11/2018 11:59

What Lord said

This is a temporary state of pre-relationship texting hysteria. A mixture of anxiety & anticipation

People actually in relationships don't do this - probably because they feel secure about the other person by then.

I think you should go on the date :)

Original poster
corbynistasister · 09/11/2018 12:54

Oh my, thank you all for your replies! I will be going on the date tonight so I'm quite excited and a bit nervous !

To those who have mentioned the Freedom Program - I'm going to look into it now. I've had a year of psychotherapy and rape crisis counselling as well. I AM getting back to my old self, but I am still having really dark days. I'm also studying to be a similar profession as my date - so I'm very busy a lot of the time! I am going to speak to him about the texting say I'm really busy a lot of the time and don't check the phone.

He does know some of what happened with ex. Without being too outing he saw me after an incident and saw bruises etc and said he did that didnt he? He does know but we haven't had a discussion.

I don't think it's controlling behaviour (but maybe I'm wrong) - I honestly think it's more he's doing what he thinks women like? If you know what I mean?

Today he text me at 8am saying he was on a course so wouldn't have his phone but he would be able to text back at like 4 when he finished - he said looking forward to tonight again.

^ I think that's nice - like i 100% would think he was bailing if he didn't reply all day (damned if he does damned if he doesn't...)

And when I said He strikes me as a bit insecure the times I have spoken to him I mean along the lines of self-deprecating comments like "ah i'm a bit thick" (you're a doctor?!) etc. He also said in a text before "i can't believe you're going on a date with me, I feel very lucky!"

I feel much calmer that he hasn't text too much today and it's given me room to be excited!

OP posts:
Notquitefeelingit · 09/11/2018 13:07

My husband texted me a lot when we first started going out and I found it strange and annoying. Looking back, I was very insecure and had ridiculous ideas about playing hard to get..... He was and is lovely and takes an interest in me that men hadn't before. Good luck on your date!!!

RaymondHolt · 09/11/2018 15:43

I have never been keen on too much texting and have actually cancelled first dates In the past due to excessive messages.

When I met my dp (and father of 2 dc) he started sending a lot and I remember feeling like you do now. Glad I gave him the chance now obviously.

Wishing you all the best for this evening, hope your have a good time.

WhyAmISoCold · 09/11/2018 15:53

I think he's just excited amd over doing it a bit, and clearly feels very fortunate to be going on a date with you because he likes you.

Maybe just tell him you are finding it a bit full on.

SummersB · 09/11/2018 17:21

I agree with pp that he is probably just very excited. But I would still proceed with caution. It’s good you are planning to tell him that sometimes you don’t check your phone all day etc. See how he reacts. I hope you have a wonderful evening!

chestylarue52 · 09/11/2018 17:38

The texting sounds frankly awful. But I hope you enjoy the date.

ILoveAutum · 09/11/2018 22:10

I hope you’re having a lovely evening

So far it just sounds like he’s a lovely guy who you already know, so it’s bound not to be like a ‘beginning’ with a stranger.

He knows you were treat badly before and probably wants you to feel safe & secure with him.

You need to work on feeling you deserve that.

The texting will calm down.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/11/2018 22:43

Are you back yet? How did it go? (OK it might be a bit early for you to be back if it's going well! Grin)

Kattyy · 09/11/2018 23:11

How did it go? Or are you not back yet? 😉

Original poster
corbynistasister · 10/11/2018 00:57

just got back now!

sooooooo happy!!!!!!!!! i did it and it was great! Smile

meeting for breakfast and cinema on Sunday

proper dating with no one night stand like i usually do. AND we kissed yay

OP posts:
OzzyMadBat · 10/11/2018 01:15

Lovely. Good for you. Everyone deserves to be happy with someone decent x Brew Cake

MarcieBluebell · 10/11/2018 01:25

Great news op.

BloodyBing · 10/11/2018 01:31

Aww lovely. Glad it went well.

foodiefil · 10/11/2018 02:05

Glad it went well - trust your gut. You deserve to be treated nicely

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