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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know i am, i wish i wasn't...

92 replies

corbynistasister · 08/11/2018 22:33

I'm going on my first date tomorrow since a really shite breakup last November! A full year of cleansing of the bullshit and working on myself.

The guy i'm going on a date with is someone I've known for a while - I've worked with him one weekend last year at a festival when I was still with my ex. He's really lovely. He strikes me as a bit insecure the times I have spoken to him, but he's funny and caring - he told some men off last year for calling me sexist names.

Anywaaay, I bumped into him on Monday and we spoke for a while. He then text me saying it was really forward but would I like to go on a date - I said yes obviously.

So here's the AIBU ... since Monday he has text me constantly. Which is kinda okay, but also kinda very teenagery and i really can't be arsed with all that. He always texts things that in my eyes are quite, i dunno, coupley?! like he texts me like good morning have a good day and stuff (eugh I hate it i dont know why!)

For context, the last relationship was shite - cheating and physical abuse and whatnot. I ALWAYS liked this guy when I was with my ex and I drunkenly told my best friend last year that I wish I was single so I could be with him.

SO WHY HAS MY MIND TURNED TO NOT GOING TOMORROW. I can feel myself turning against the idea and I don't know why. I literally got annoyed before because he text me asking where I wanted to go tomorrow and that he was excited to catch up.

I do like him. I fancy him. We have chemistry. I am over my ex. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/11/2018 00:13

A nice doctor who treats you well?

If you dont want him, can I have a go on him? :o

OrigamiZoo · 09/11/2018 00:21

There is no mystery when he is doing now what you'd do in a relationship. Gah, I get it. Thee has to be a certain amount of does he/doesn't he will he/ won't he.

Girlfrommars77 · 09/11/2018 00:29

I hear you it would drive me mad. What aquamarine said upthread.

I also know women who get antsy if the guy they like hasn’t texted twice a day or more....I’m with you, we text when we want and it’s lovely. Definitely go on the date if you like him, he’s probably anxious to please and not intending to be full on. Only respond when you want to and you can say when you meet ‘I find constant messaging a bit full on’.

I completely understand but I think give him benefit of doubt - he could well be doing what he thinks you want - and then tell him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/11/2018 00:31

There is no mystery when he is doing now what you'd do in a relationship.

Very true. He seems to have skipped a few pages.

Its not necessarily a bad thing, but it does rather kill the fun of the start of a relationship.

MrsTommyBanks · 09/11/2018 00:36

I couldn't cope with that level of contact.
Also a survivor of abusive relationship and it would scream needy and controlling to me.
Although I'm aware that is my hang up and I might misread the situation.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2018 01:09

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he may think that if he doesn't communicate very frequently, you might think he's not really interested. Navigating the waters of dating and finding a partner are a fucking minefield. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. He just might be trying too hard because he really fancies you.

lunchboxloony · 09/11/2018 01:14

Quite apart from the early stages of the relationship - you need to think how you'd like to communicate if you do want to take things further. Go on the date - but be very clear that you are an occasional texter not one of these teenage 'message every 2 mins' types. If you are both young then maybe that's not abnormal but for me (40s, married 15yrs, 2 young DCs) I'd find that really weird! But I am too old to know what youngsters do these days........

Coyoacan · 09/11/2018 01:26

He's moving too fast, so you are right to be wary. Doesn't mean you should date him, just don't discount your instincts.

Have you taken the Freedom Course. Everyone speaks highly of it and I wish it had been around when I was young. As you say you have a history of abusive relationships I think you would find it very helpful.

squeekums · 09/11/2018 01:30

To me it sounds like he is insecure, so trying to seem available, there for you, all the time but also probably trying to show you he isnt like your ex
Sounds like you still have some hangups and arent used to a guy being nice, completely understandble who wouldnt.
Go on the date, explain the constant texting is a bit full on but you do like him , i get the impression the last thing he wants to do is make you feel suffocated.
You can go from his reaction to being told to slow down as to how you want to proceed after

Jux · 09/11/2018 01:31

He's going way too fast, I think. There's no need for him to be constantly texting you yet, you've not even had one date! He's pushing, and while this is not necessarily a bad thing within reason, lionising you so you have no time for other things without interruptions from him it would certainly worry me.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/11/2018 01:49

Maybe he's always liked you too and now that he sees it coming together, he's just over-enthusiastic?

I'd honestly steel yourself and go on the date, at least to give it a go and to say "Hey, I'm finding all this texting a little OTT if I'm honest - can we just take it down a notch please?"

I also think you're on a self-sabotage mission - you say you've done lots of work on yourself etc. but here you are, a guy you really liked and you're trying to kill it off before it's even started "just in case".

And I agree that it's likely that you're disappointed that he's not entirely perfect - chances are you've built him up in your head to be your knight in shining armour, the One, the guy who will treat you right (unlike your ex) and now you're finding he has foibles and is human too and rather than just knocking the edges off the shiny picture, it's shattering it (over-reaction).

Take lots of deep breaths - if you haven't already looked at the Freedom program, maybe have a look - and if you have, then maybe revisit it.

But I would still go - give this a chance and if it doesn't work out, at least you have nothing to regret.

missperegrinespeculiar · 09/11/2018 01:53

I'd go, maybe he is just really excited and nervous and maybe a little worried you'll change your mind? he may clam down!

freddiemercury · 09/11/2018 02:10

A friend of mine panics if her new bloke doesn't text every day.... lots do... I reckon he's been told that is what women like and is acting in it. Good chemistry and liking him definitely warrants a date...

kateandme · 09/11/2018 02:31

your used to how the other blokes treated you.and probably used to made to feel like shit.and there is evidence how woman then gravitate towards this or feel overwhelmed when its not like this with the next man who might be a good man.
youll be scared,excited but mostly scared im sure.and really weary.
but you've done so much over this last year to recover and heal.thats a whole lot of strength you've built into yourself there.so be confident
this is also a guy that is still there after a year wanting to date you.i think that's lovely.
and you might go and its awful and you think he is a sappy lovey dovey guy you cant cope with .but that's just overnice bloke who isn't for you.hes not evil or nasty just not your type.and though sad it isn't awful.
but its will then be yoru first date back out there and done.and there is no pressure.this is all in your time and your pace.
make sure this isn't your doubt over trusting men that makes you weary of his behaviour.but still go in with open eyes if that makes sense.
because equally you have been treated like no woman should.so if he wants to be with you he needs to accept you need more sensitive handling with things and he might need to slow down some.but again you've not been with him yet so yo ujsut don't no.
do you have a friend that could do the emergency call.so at a certain time they will ring you and you have a get out if your too overwhelmed.
you have to feel ok with this.so do what you feel you can.
you deserve a good man though hun.and yes one that will be over excited and want to dote on you :)

longwayoff · 09/11/2018 06:13

It is quite possible to just NOT REPLY if someones texting you too frequently.

toomuchtooold · 09/11/2018 06:18

Thing is, it is a little bit of a red flag, isn't it, this overinvolvedness? Like if your issue with him was something like he has terrible dress sense or he talks too loudly or something then I would 100 percent agree that you were picking holes in the thing out of fear or whatever. But the constant texting... it doesn't take a great deal of imagination to see that turning into a controlling or obsessive relationship down the line.

I would do as PPs have said and just gently enforce a boundary there - only answer 1-2 texts a day, and if he questions you in it say something like "oh I don't really check my phone that much, looking forward to see you on Tuesday though!" - see how he reacts. If he takes it and adjusts his behaviour, great. If he starts giving you any chat about it, then if I were you I would rethink.

Cheekylittlenumber · 09/11/2018 06:39

Personally, I think he sounds very caring and sweet. My now DH was and is like that, he is very attentive and caring, and there are absolutely no games or aloofness. I can’t be bothered with all that anxiety and people that don’t seem to care about me- I want to be loved and loved back. I think you’ve had shit dealt to you in your past and this is such a contrast it’s freaking you out. You deserve to be with someone who is besotted with you and cares about you. But, also, feel free to reign in the texts a little bit, but just be open about it ‘Sometimes I need my space so won’t always text back’ But I would see how it goes. There are so many threads with woman complaining about men playing mind games, not texting, being non communicative. This guy sounds sweet to me, but then again I like this kind of dynamic and have it at home.

Henrysmycat · 09/11/2018 06:42

I dunno. I find that behaviour decent. A doctor asking after your migraine after 4 hours? In which planet is that worrying? He was not mansplaining in the migraine, he’s a doctor not a lumberjack.
Go on a date. Talk to him about doing things slowly.
Personally, I like people like that, you see what you get. They dive in, no games, no jack the lad knobhead.

RayRayBidet · 09/11/2018 06:54

It sounds like he has liked you for a while and because he already knows you maybe he feels like it's not awkward to text you maybe a bit more than you would if it was someone you didn't know but had a date lined up with.
As well as a pp said constant texting seems to be the norm now so maybe that's also why. He could be worrying you will think he's not attentive enough.
The other thing is that he probably doesn't want to leave you in any doubt that he likes you which is a good thing. At least it's honest instead of playing it cool.
It must be very hard for you to trust someone after what you went through. Does he know about it?
I would try to get over the irritation and put it to one side. Reply when you feel like it. On the date tell him you aren't a big texter and often forget to look at your phone. Then you have set the scene for not replying instantly/often. When you have got to know each other a bit better you can decide if you like him or not.

If it's too soon for you, you could ask him if you can take a rain check. Explain you really like him but you are still getting over the past. Could you call him again after Christmas and new year and arrange a date then.
If he likes you he will understand.

RyderWhiteSwan · 09/11/2018 07:11

Please go the date OP! it's just time spent together. The constant messaging can be broached and you can tell him to cool it. I feel he's just excited about you!

Good luck!

MyOtherProfile · 09/11/2018 07:16

Definitely go on the date and mention the over texting if you need to. But also you can take control a bit by not replying quickly and leaving it an hour or so before you reply each time.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 09/11/2018 07:18

I think you need to trust your instincts here. He is being OTT with the texting, and that, added to his insecurity, could end up being a nightmare down the line, when he wants to know where you are, and what you are doing at all times. I would go on the date, and speak to him about the constant texting. If he backs off a bit, then it may all work out fine, but if not you will have your answer.

It is worth remembering that just not being abusive, does not make someone the right person for you. It is entirely possible that you are just not compatible as a couple, even if you are both lovely people. Give the date a go, but be cautious.

OzzyMadBat · 09/11/2018 07:23

I think it would really be a wasted opportunity not to at least go on the date and see how it goes. Waiting 4 hours before asking how your headache is seems decent enough to me (but I like getting texts and having someone not game-playing who is clearly into me). You just need to make it clear that for you it's early days and you want to take things slow.

Adnerb95 · 09/11/2018 07:32

Give it a go and just be really honest with him that you are not quite ready for that level of intensity at this stage. If ever ...

Both of you are coming into the relationship with history from previous relationships and that means it would be good to take it slow. He may be under the impression that that level of contact is expected.

Hope it works out for you!

TurkeyBear · 09/11/2018 07:42

He's just excited Op, probably excited to have someone to text with too. Give him a break. Not everyone is versed in the nuances of modern day relationship faux pas. He sounds lovely!

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