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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pressurising me already about GC

57 replies

Anothernameanotherday · 08/11/2018 14:33

I'm really struggling with my MIL atm. We have never really got on (huge backstory of me not being good enough for her son and then stealing him as he moved 4 hours away to be with me).

This year I've had a mc at 13 weeks and then an early one. I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant. We had a scan last week and all looked well so have told my parents and dh parents. MIL was very excited but as she knows about my previous mc promised she would not tell our news to anyone at this stage.

Today I've had four texts from various in laws congratulating us. 🙁 dh is not happy as he is as anxious as I am and when he rang mil she said she had just let it slip. She then text me saying she is just so excited for baby that she told a few people. I'm worried there won't be a baby and don't want a lot of people knowing our business.

I replied saying I felt a bit hurt she had told people as she knows how badly the mc at 13 weeks was. She then basically said I was being silly and that she was looking forward to the birth (implying she will be there) and that she has already looked at retiring so she can come move up north to help us.

:-(
I'm anxious enough, I don't want to be dealing with all this. I'm seeing this as a week by week thing. So my goal is to reach 10 weeks the 11 then 12 etc.

OP posts:
pumpastrotter · 08/11/2018 14:36

She's a nob, simple as. There's not much you can do now as the cat is out of the bag, but going forward do not give her the benefit of knowing things first. At least being 4 hours away she isn't close enough to randomly rock up to the birth.

pumpastrotter · 08/11/2018 14:36

Also, congratulations, and good luck.

Feb2018mumma · 08/11/2018 14:37

Am so sorry for the extra pressure she is putting on you and the extra stress of everything. I don't have any advice but wanted to let you know I have read your post and I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting to keep your pregnancy to yourself

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 08/11/2018 14:38

Look at it as a good thing . Now you know she gets no more info. Ever. Simple.
And tell dh to inform her your house won't be a day care centre for her daily visits if she moves up your way.
#ihateils

Original poster
Anothernameanotherday · 08/11/2018 14:39

@pumpastrotter I think from her message she thinks we will call her 🤨 it said she had looked at retirement so she would be 'ready in the drop of a hat for the birth'as she is so excited. We have very little to do with her as it is, I haven't actually heard from her since the first miscarriage.

OP posts:
SharpLily · 08/11/2018 14:41

She's clearly a self-centred moron, much like my own mother in law, but I think you've learned your lesson now. Simply don't tell her these things until you're really ready to share the news. You're going to have to be careful about how you handle the birth too and be very scarce on information, because it sounds like she could be one of those who wants to rock up to the delivery room and share every push with you. Good luck!

PlateOfBiscuits · 08/11/2018 14:41

’as she knows about my previous mc promised she would not tell our news to anyone’

The fact that she made a promise but clearly never meant to keep it would be enough for me to have a massive go at her. She’s put her own excitement over your wishes. What a dick.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 08/11/2018 14:43

You’re not unreasonable.
Don’t give her any more info. Give a due date of 3 weeks after your actual date to stop all the ‘any news yet??’ calls or her turning up to stay.

Original poster
Anothernameanotherday · 08/11/2018 14:43

I just feel very 🙁. Dh and I had talked about it and we wanted to wait until scan at 16 weeks (first baby that miscarried had growth issues so I get extra scans) to tell people. Mil knows from last time that I want dh and my own mother at the birth so I assume she has just decided she will be there too. She is just too full on. We have zero relationship but now she is interested because I'm pregnant. She did it with the first pregnancy then dropped me like a hot stone when I miscarried.

Dh agrees with me and could not be more supportive. He has actually suggested telling her that we want a few days after the birth for just the three of us but I feel that might be a bit mean as my mum will see the birth. Either way I do not want to jinx things by looking that far ahead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anothernameanotherday · 08/11/2018 14:45

@PlateOfBiscuits exactly that yes. Our wedding wasn't to her taste (too small) and she told me I was spoiling a day she and her friends had dreamed about for years. That she had always dreamed about dh getting married and now it wasn't what she imagined. Dh told her that it was actually a joint decision to have a small wedding and that in her imagination she had clearly forgotten he would have a bride! I was very proud of him ☺️

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/11/2018 14:51

He has actually suggested telling her that we want a few days after the birth for just the three of us but I feel that might be a bit mean as my mum will see the birth. You need to listen to him! He has had his whole life to learn how best to deal with her, he has the better coping mechanism of the two of you!

If you open more doors for her because you feel guilty or unfair, you will be undoing a lot of his hard work. You will be undermining him and his decisions regarding his mother. Don't do that! I did, for much the same reason as you give, and even now 30 years later, DH occasionally reminds / blames me for the limited contact he still has with his family!

Basically, you know she is not really interested, doesn't respect you or your wishes so leave your DH to manage her as he will.

Enjoy growing your own family as you want it to be!

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 08/11/2018 14:54

Just tell mil only those that have already seen your fanjo will be at the birth!
It's about your wishes only not what's 'fair'.

Daffodil2018 · 08/11/2018 14:55

Re. telling other people, she is completely out of line but there's not much you can do about it now. Good luck for the next few weeks, I hope everything will be fine for you.

As for the birth, I would probably wait a few weeks then tell her another scan has shown your due date was wrong - you are actually due 2 weeks after when you said. Buy yourself some more time!

Maybe not the most mature approach but it might work!

0lgaDaPolga · 08/11/2018 15:01

She sounds a lot like my mil. Went from having absolutely no interest in me to being massively over involved and overbearing as soon as I got pregnant. Shut it down. Don’t give her any information unless you are happy for her to share it. It’s very unfair she’s put her own excitement ahead of your feelings. Sorry for your previous losses and congratulations. I hope all goes smoothly for you.

Hissy · 08/11/2018 15:05

Why TF did you tell anyone?? that was crazy!!

I wish you all the best and hope that everything goes to plan

WRT the MIL - just don't let her manipulate you, don't tell her anything and then she can't pass it on or comment.

You are an adult, you can do this adulting business very well without her input!

Aquamarine1029 · 08/11/2018 15:06

Forewarned is fair-warned. Now you know to not share anything with her until you're ready. As far as feeling pressured by her, you are bringing that upon yourself. Your MIL can't dictate ANYTHING unless you allow it. If she asks to be at the birth, you tell her NO, that isn't happening. She doesn't have to like it and you aren't responsible for making her happy by caving into her unreasonable demands.

IncomingCannonFire · 08/11/2018 15:08

I second changing the due date by a week and minimal info to keep her happy. Don't tell her the baby is born until you yourselves are ready to share on Facebook/ have told everybody else.
Sounds like my own dm. She was keen to be the first to hold the baby but no help or visits since.

RangeRider · 08/11/2018 15:09

Tell her a date 2 or 3 weeks after due date & then when you've had it you can have a week of peace and quiet before telling her that it arrived early. You may have to be creative over why, when she arrives 3 hours after your call, the new arrival already looks a week old but ..... Grin

SharpLily · 08/11/2018 15:11

Your husband sounds great, btw. You should listen to him.

Justanothernameonthepage · 08/11/2018 15:16

Oh OP, I'm glad your DH is there for you. I'd change her number in your phone to be called 'NO'. Block on WhatsApp/Facebook and tell DH you don't need to hear anything from her till you're ready.
Good luck with the pregnancy

stickytoffeepuddingandicecream · 08/11/2018 15:16

As for the birth, I would probably wait a few weeks then tell her another scan has shown your due date was wrong - you are actually due 2 weeks after when you said. Buy yourself some more time!

I did this because of an overinvested mil, moved my date my 3 weeks and the baby arrived 1 week early. They were away on holiday, pure bliss. Will be moving my due date for the next baby too Grin.

Good luck with everything, as everyone else has said don't feel you have to do the same for your mil to be "fair". I'd definitely have a few days as a 3 after the baby arrives too.

MirriVan · 08/11/2018 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackInRed · 08/11/2018 15:44

Oh gawd you don't want her living anywhere near you. She sounds like the type of MIL who will try to relive motherhood through your children.

anniehm · 08/11/2018 15:44

I can sense how anxious you are but I can also see how excited she is. It may prove challenging to deal with her excitement but far better than mil's who barely acknowledge the existence of their gc! It sounds you may have local help!

Do let us all know how you are doing - it's amazing how much you end up thinking about people you have never met!

RomanyRoots · 08/11/2018 15:49

I'm a mil and grandma, she is bonkers.
Please don't accept her behaviour, I too was sworn to secrecy until the 12 week scan and honestly didn't tell a soul.
If you care about the people concerned it doesn't just slip out.
I have a brilliant relationship with my dil and i respect her for the wonderful woman she is and she makes my ds very happy.

My advice respond to her text. "I'm sorry you find my views silly" "and hope you understand how we are unable to involve you in our business from now on.
Tell her nothing, and I mean nothing. *I'm sure dh will tell you when I go into labour and you can visit a few days after this"
My dil had her mum and we waited, but in fairness we were there the day after. As stated though, I love my dil and we get on well.

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