MIL pressurising me already about GC

[Anothernameanotherday]

I'm really struggling with my MIL atm. We have never really got on (huge backstory of me not being good enough for her son and then stealing him as he moved 4 hours away to be with me).

This year I've had a mc at 13 weeks and then an early one. I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant. We had a scan last week and all looked well so have told my parents and dh parents. MIL was very excited but as she knows about my previous mc promised she would not tell our news to anyone at this stage.

Today I've had four texts from various in laws congratulating us. 🙁 dh is not happy as he is as anxious as I am and when he rang mil she said she had just let it slip. She then text me saying she is just so excited for baby that she told a few people. I'm worried there won't be a baby and don't want a lot of people knowing our business.

I replied saying I felt a bit hurt she had told people as she knows how badly the mc at 13 weeks was. She then basically said I was being silly and that she was looking forward to the birth (implying she will be there) and that she has already looked at retiring so she can come move up north to help us.

:-(
I'm anxious enough, I don't want to be dealing with all this. I'm seeing this as a week by week thing. So my goal is to reach 10 weeks the 11 then 12 etc.

@BackInRed yes she has said before (years ago) that she can't wait to do things with the GC that she didn't get to do with her own DC like take them to Lapland to see Santa at christmas! I just let it slide because tbh I thought she would lose interest!

@RomanyRoots you sound a lovely MIL. All I'm asking is for her respect as a person in my own right. I'm more than ready to facilitate a better relationship with her for gc but I think she does need to recognise it will be at our pace!

Thank you all for your advice, I have decided to be very vague about the due date and I am also going to say directly that my birthing partners will be dh and my mum. Dh has said if we get that far and baby is born he will text saying we have had baby and will let them know in a few days when we are ready for visitors :-) I actually think we will cave and have visitors pretty quickly just as we are so excited but I don't want to set any expectations of being able to rush up before the cord is cut! 😂

I am going to text mil back saying 'I'm sorry you can't understand how anxious I am, especially having seen how upset myself and DH were earlier in the year. DH will let you know if we have anything else to share but I think we will keep things to ourselves for now until we are less worried so that we don't have any more slips :-) yes I am very excited too.'

I added the bit at the end because she implied I was so stressed about miscarriage I was ruining the experience of pregnancy. To an extent that is probably true but sadly miscarriage is always going to be in the back of my mind.

Just keep a very low profile, don't reply to her yourself at all, leave it to dh who, with luck, will be a bit lazy about it. He can always respond with "taking it one day at a time" type replies, non-commital. He does need to tell her not to retire as you won't be needing her for childcare or extra help - that may sound callous or unkind, but in the long run will be better than letting her just go ahead and do it.

@Jux if I don't reply she tends to ring me and cry that I've ignored her. DH is terrible with communicating with his family, I often have to remind him to text his dad back etc.
I sincerely doubt she will actually retire, and there is no way she will move either. A lot of what she does or says is for show. She likes to present us as the perfect family to outsiders 🤨

I really hope all will be well.

If there is a second baby in the future you now know what to do, or rather what not to do. Do not tell her.

"I replied saying I felt a bit hurt she had told people as she knows how badly the mc at 13 weeks was. She then basically said I was being silly and that she was looking forward to the birth (implying she will be there) and that she has already looked at retiring so she can come move up north to help us."

Just be very straight forward with her. If you do not want her at the birth say so now. "It's just me and dh at he birth." and don't tell her when yuo go in labour. She has proven herself to be unreliable. I cannot imagine my MIL having asked to be at the birth of my child.

In terms of her moving closer if you do not want this you need to be clear now, IMHO. It is not fair to allow her to give up work and move house only to say you do not need her. Just say something like "It's really kind of you to offer but I will be taking a year off and then we plan to use a local nursery." Or whatever.

I know some grandparents look after kids and if you want that fine but if you give her the impression this is welcomed and then you don;t want or need her help she would be quite upset with no way back into employment.

"She is just too full on. We have zero relationship but now she is interested because I'm pregnant. She did it with the first pregnancy then dropped me like a hot stone when I miscarried." Is it worth telling her this or actually do you not want the attention from her either way?

But yes I agree we will be telling her no need for childcare :-) I will be going part time and dh works from home so we are lucky enough to be able to work things out that way :-)

That sounds like a good text OP, and thank you for your kind words.
I don't know where women like this get off, they are just shooting themselves in the foot.

Of course we are all excited, I didn't sleep a wink the week my gd was born (3 weeks now) But there's absolutely no excuse for pushing in with your own agenda, I worked on the principle I've had my dc now it's their turn.
I here for any help/advice and baby sitting, but don't think I have a right to anything.

OP, I like your text, apart from the smiley face. It's won't help her respect you. The rest is great.

"she has said before (years ago) that she can't wait to do things with the GC that she didn't get to do with her own DC like take them to Lapland to see Santa at christmas! I just let it slide because tbh I thought she would lose interest!"

Lapland is fabulous so if she really does want to take you all there I would go!

Choose the bits you want from her, and if that is not child care, make it clear, IMHO.

For what it is worth we had visitors while in hospital but not at home for the first few days/weeks. That way the visitors come for a short time, get to see baby and get photos but don't expect you to make cups of tea or 'entertain'. But your baby, your choice.

So now you know, no information. My Mum did this with me, told everyone. When I had a MC she was most annoyed I wouldnt call the list of people in the extended she'd told I was pregnant that I was having a MC because it would upset her to call them herself. Note, this was a list of people she knew I didn't want to know I was pregnant in the first place.

Anyway, after that, we went minimum information for DC2, my parents didn't get to know I was pregnant until after a healthy scan, was given the due date, even though I knew I was having a planned C Section over a week earlier, didn't get told I was having a planned c section until I was over 30 weeks (it was all confirmed for a c section due to complications with DC1 from around 14 weeks).

I would say if you feel 'mean' about keeping her DGC from her, then get DH to call her once the baby is delivered and you've had your post birth tea and toast. He can claim he was too stressed to think about calling during the labour.

Quick visit when your DH is on paternity leave and can manage your mother is much better than waiting until he's gone back to work and then telling her so you have to deal with her alone.

You have my sympathies OP having to deal with someone who implies you ruin your own lovely experiences simply by virtue of you doing what you feel is right and best! Honestly, to imply you ruined your husbands wedding because it didn't fit her fantasy and then to say you're ruining your own pregnancy because you're (understandably) anxious . Pfft, hope MIL steps on a Lego!

Stop telling her anything.
Just the bare minimum will do.
Or lie!

OP you sound lovely and caring. It sounds awful to say this but I think MIL cares.not too hoots about you, just sees you as an oven for her precious grandchild. You get to decide who is there at the birth and it's perfectly natural to want your DM there. Let dh deal with her if she gets difficult. He needs to put his foot down, you're his priority now. She had him to herself for 18 years and now it's his turn to have his own family .

That's not nice is it. I'd say that given she has already done this, take an active approach to tell her you're upset and not impressed otherwise it will just carry on.

Your DH sounds lovely OP. I'm so pleased he's supporting you.

I get what you say about the anxiety. I only experienced one MC, but had a lot of trouble TTC. When I did finally get pregnant, I worried right up until the day I gave birth. I hope this time you will be successful and you will have a beautiful baby in your arms next year x

She's clearly excited but that's not good enough if she's stressing you out so much - good text back to her, hopefully that will get across the news for her to back off

As for the birth - they only let two in I think so she's got no hope there but don't let it stress you, just tell her now that she can't come, it's not a spectator sport!

OrdinarySnowflake, that’s outrageous!

I’m another who thinks pushing the due date you tell her back by a few weeks would be a good idea. She sounds like someone who would suggest she come up before the due date to “help” and then get very hurt when told no. It’s good your DH is on the same page as you.

Good lord.

I'd block her and let DH handle her. Tell DH in no uncertain terms that you are telling the hospital that she is NOT to be admitted to the birth. It's not a bloody stage show.

Your DH is a star, and I agree with PP that you need to listen to him in matters concerning his parents. He's been dealing with them a lot longer than you have. Why doesn't he immediately return his DF'stexts, for instance. Bitter experience I'd guess.

Changing your due date is a good idea. Although I can tell your immediate impulse is to be kind, you need to absorb just how self centered she is and prepare yourself to fend her off when necessary. Be guided by DH.

@Italiangreyhound yes Lapland does sound lovely but we weren't invited! Only potential gc 😂

@OrdinarySnowflake that's awful! I'm so pleased mil managed to keep our mcs to herself as far as I'm aware! It makes it so much harder somehow knowing everyone knows!

Anothernameanotherday I am an overprotective parent my did never left the country without me until dd was about 11.

Oh my word. She sounds horrific! Def put your foot down now! My ex MIL wanted to be at birth even tho I didn't even want my own mum there and it spiralled! Just be kind to yourself for now, let DH take care of it and I agree with the PPs who said excellent text but remove the smiley face!

Your approach sounds just right OP - I think biting the bullet and being clear who will be at the birth sooner rather than later is the best thing. Good idea as well to add something about how excited you are so she can't use 'concern' about your feelings to be interfering.

Best wishes for a happy and peaceful pregnancy.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, what an awful woman to betray you in this way...she sounds totally selfish!

From now on, don't tell her anything you aren't happy for the rest of the world and as for the birth, there's no way she'd be there. Just make sure you don't tell her when you go into labour...just get your husband to let her know after baby is born. Simple as.

In regards to visitors, you might be able to have some in hospital which is good as there are usually strict visiting hours. Don't feel guilty about saying that you won't be answering the door to any visitors on the day you bring baby home...i think that's acceptable and that's what we did. It's a special time for the three of you to be home alone for the first time.

I don't think it's too unreasonable to expect visitors to want to come the next day onwards though. Most people are sensitive enough to bring food and not stay for more than an hour or so, but it sounds like with your mil you might have to say something like 'i'm really tired now so I'm going to take the baby and we're going up to bed now for a nap'. Hopefully that'll help her to get the hint that she's overstaying her welcome...then just go to your room with baby and relax with a book or something!

It’s not worth the aggro. Just ignore her.

Don’t tell her when you are in labour. Call once baby is born and you are ready. If she moamsvat not being told from the first contraction we’ll you were a bit busy!