...to think about giving up on marriage in my 20s due to no sex?

[Goldie57]

I haven’t got anybody to speak to about this in real life so thought it might be worth asking here. For background, DH and I are late 20s, busy professionals, met young whilst in university and were each other’s first proper relationship. We moved in together 3 years ago and got married recently.

For years, and by that I mean about six, we have had frequent arguments about sex or lack of. In the beginning, even before we had ever had sex, we were fine with lots of kissing/foreplay/oral etc and this brought up no particular issues for the first year or two. Then I started to notice he was not at all interested and we went without for a while. Putting it down to some temporary phase, I initially ignored it for a few months but soon had to say something. For the first two to three years I was very patient and understanding, trying to work together to work out what was happening but in the last few years I have grown more and more upset, angry and resentful. The pattern tends to be we have a massive discussion about this, sometimes spanning days of talking, me spilling my heart out whilst he is slightly defensive, he then promises to change and put more effort in. However it never happens. I am so hurt at his lack of motivation and care for my feelings and needs over and above the lack of sex itself. I have explained this countless times over the years in many serious discussions but to no concrete improvement.

For context, if I left it we would probably have sex once or twice every six weeks or so? That is with living alone together, no distractions such as children etc and spending most weekends together. Every time we reach a new milestone I had great hopes e.g. buying a house together, getting engaged, getting married but he does not utilise these new opportunities. For example, we didn’t have sex or anything close on our two week honeymoon (and haven’t on any other holidays either).

no one owes anyone sex even if that persons theyre wife sex should be consented to without pressure every single time no matter what.

You need to hear what he's telling you. He doesn't care about sex.

He will never change. It's been years.

No matter what it’s vital you keep talking to one another

I think op has done enough talking. Both couldn't make themselves clearer. There is no confusion in this.

At this age he should be raring to go...I very much doubt his sex drive will increase with age, so unless you're prepared to go without I think I would advise you to think long and hard about your future. I've been in a similar position although it was in our late 30s/early 40s, and it actually transpired that porn was the issue. It became clear that he couldn't maintain a porn habit and a wife by that age so something had to give. Things have improved. I think if we had been facing this in our 20s pre kids I would've considered ending the relationship.

It seems very strange to me OP
Why would a young man view porn yet not be interested in sex? I'm truly baffled.
Regardless, it seems odd, especially the admittance of a celibate honeymoon WTF!!

mrcharlie I don't think he watches porn very frequently at all but he does masturbate, mostly for the physical release rather than actively having a sex drive if that makes sense.
What do you mean admittance of a celibate honeymoon - I was just trying to make it clear that even when not stressed or tied up with work this is still an issue.

i dont like pp have said about someones sex drive should be if youre young and male and dont want to have sex frequently thats okay and its not as if he hid it from his wife(op) hes not going to chance and even if he does at this point.

If physical intimacy (not just sex) is important to you, consider leaving now. It won't get better - if the problem could be fixed, he'd have fixed it by now.

I could have written your OP almost word for word 15 years ago. I thought it would get better (he kept telling me it would, he'd try for a bit) then I had kids with him and since then nothing. He doesn't even kiss me goodbye - I haven't kissed his lips for years and I'm only 41. Although we otherwise have a good relationship it makes me deeply sad.

Now I'm stuck with my only options being divorce (which would really upset my kids) or an affair (which would have to be done in secret). He's a very good man but the prospect of no physical intimacy - no kissing, close cuddling, stroking of hair or touching of skin - from my early 20s for the rest of my life is upsetting.

Honestly (and I'm sorry to say this because your husband - like mine - seems a good man) I'd leave the marriage.

And for those questionung why someone who masturbates/watches porn isn't interested in sex with someone they love - it can be due to childhood trauma (not just sexual abuse).

My husband had a wildly overbearing, mentally unstable, alcoholic and often physically abusive father. He never felt safe as a child which - according to our therapist - means that even now letting someone be physically close feels unsafe to him. It's as though he can't make himself vulnerable in that way.

It also wasn't a problem until we moved in together - this is common apparently with people who have suffered this sort of trauma - it's almost as though once you live together you're too "close" all the time and the affected party becomes overwhelmed much more easily. So I used to think we'd eventually get back to our previously healthy sex life. But no.

A friend was in this situation - loved her DH in her twenties very much, but their relationship had never been very sexual due to his issues and their sex life dwindled and died.

It was difficult and painful, but she left. After a while she met someone else, remarried and has two lovely kids. She is very happy and has no regrets. I'd do the same in her shoes. I couldn't live my life without sex and physical intimacy.

OP... RUN LIKE THE FUCKING WIND. I am 15yrs in to this. I stupidly married him in my late 20s even after a decade of it. Another 5yrs later - no better. No affection. No sex apart from scheduled TTC sex for the past decade. Nothing. I am dying inside. I am filing for divorce.

Do not stay. Please, if you value sexual relationships and desire and affection and attraction. Do not stay.

I feel like you could be describing me and DH. We spent our first two years shagging like rabbits, but then when we started our careers it just disappeared exactly the same for him and we were exactly as you guys, down to the multi day arguments, defensiveness, him promising to initiate more and then nothing, etc. We were basically exhausted, working and drinking too much on nights out, and it wasn't until we moved and DH changed jobs to something that involved a lot more physical exercise that it came back. Before then I had been seriously questioning our compatibility but when we moved and had more time not just for each other but more physical exercise it made enough difference to him that I was encouraged to stick it out and persevere. When we had kids it was actually my drive suddenly fell off a cliff and it was nice to finally be "matched" as it were, and have him be a bit more driven than me! We're now on an upswing again as our kids are older and we're getting more sleep and exercise again.

I think I have concluded that both our sex drives wax and wane over the years and I'm really glad we persevered.

OP
My honeymoon was sexless. My marriage was sexless. He most likely wont change at this point, nor will you (because there isn't a right or wrong here)

It broke me. He lied, prevaricated, blamed me, wouldn't discuss, wouldn't explore, refused help of any kind. He believed i just had to suck up his point of view and that was that. Unfortunately for both of us I believe in compromise, in supporting your spouse.

The writing was on the wall for a long time but there wasn't anything I could do with three small kids on teh scene.

I left him. I wont pretend life is easier but its certainly less difficult if that makes sense. For me, a basic friendship/courtesy towards eachother is not enough in the absence of respect/intimacy etc.

Nnot sure i am making any sense. I still find it so hard to accept. That he would be such a heartless wanker over it all.

Gosh I'm sad to read everyone else's experiences and it seems clear that DH and I are in the tiny minority - I think for us we always kept a level of intimacy going, enough cuddling, massages, holding hands that I felt the basic attraction never waned it was just that we were too tired or not motivated, and when we did eventually have sex it was absolutely epic. Also a good basis of communication was there, we could talk about it regularly with a certain amount defensiveness on both sides but never contemptuous or belittling the other.

However - I definitely would listen to other posters as we seem the exception that proves the rule. I also wouldn't recommend getting pregnant to try and fix this. I had decided for myself I wanted children with DH no matter and I was willing to compromise on having less sex than I wanted so my eyes were open. It was just a happy accident that it evened us out, as it were, and now we are much more compatible.

I'm sorry but it sounds like he might be gay and is too afraid to come out.

Only you can decide if you can sustain this long term.

Sounds like he could be asexual but I doubt he knows it. Especially if you're the only relationship he's had.

I don't think either of you are wrong but I don't think ultimatums are fair. This is how he is and always has been.

I have been in a similar situation to you (though right now it's not too bad) and it is difficult. I personally would not leave my husband for this but I know how hard it is to feel so unwanted. Have you looked up your love languages? I'm guessing his will be pretty different to yours and therefore he is feeling loved by you in a different way.
I honestly believe 100% that it is related to weight. Either self esteem of removing clothes or physical exhaustion of sex isn't worth it for the quick fix that he can get from masterbating. My husbands sex drive has decreased the more weight he has put on and I feel like his body is probably pre diabetic and that is what is causing it.

I'd just say you have to leave. If there is no sex now there won't be any in years to come. You aren't a bad person for wanting to be with someone you are sexually compatible with.

I'm in the position of your husband in this case, OP.

for the record, I love my husband. We've been together since our teens and he still makes my tummy flutter. I think he's gorgeous and after 12 years together I still kiss and cuddle him like a teenager. Our first 3 or so years, we were at it constantly... and suddenly I changed. His sex drive has, if anything, gotten more voracious over the years where mine has dwindled.

Why?

Because, bluntly, I fucking hate myself. Ang minor angle where there's a belly flab crease, a stretch mark, cellulite - any direct connection to my physical body makes me want to wretch. I can be incredibly turned on in the throes of passion and I'll suddenly become aware of myself and it'll throw a bucket of water over the flames.

My husband finds this hard, understandably, because I physically enjoy sex a great deal; I used to orgasm very quickly just through sex and was quite adventurous so I never felt he quite believed that my body shame could be so intrusive that it would affect my desire to have sex.... But it did.

Last year I had a MH breakdown and started taking strong medication that has actually inhibited my ability to orgasm entirely- not had one in over 16 months. Recently though I've begun to reconnect emotionally with sex and we've gone from max twice a month to min twice per week. It's not huge strides and it's early days, but were getting there.

Like you and your guy, everything else in our relationship worked wonderfully and his patience and kindness has gotten me to a place I never saw myself getting to. It was never about him, it was always about me and my body shame bullshit. Explore what's really going on here, because changes like that usually have a particular catalyst and once you identify that you're in a position to know if it's something you can work on or not.

Sex is so important to a relationship I really feel for you. The truth, as others have said, is that he won’t change and the choice is between accepting it and staying or leaving and starting anew. Interesting how mumsnet behaves on this issue when the tables are turned here though - this should apply equally whichever way around it is regardless of which partner has the lower sex drive

My first marriage was like this, except we did have more frequent sex at the start. I begged him to talk to someone about it and to be fair, he did, but he just didn’t enjoy sex and I couldn’t have sex with someone who didn’t really want it. I left him in the end as I just couldn’t live the rest of my life without intimacy, especially as I have a very high sex drive. I am now married to another man and we are very compatible and affectionate in and out of the bedroom.

The honest thing is that if you are with someone who just doesn’t enjoy sex then there isn’t really a cure for that and you have to decide what you can live with. I would struggle if there was no affection in general. It does sound very much like he is asexual

My DH isn’t like ‘the average’ man, wanting sex all the time and masterbating. If I didn’t initiate we wouldn’t have much sex. He used to be 4 stone overweight and was much worse. Now we’ve got kids, my natural exhaustion and the fact he’s got more energy means we average at about 3 times a month which is fine for me.

I’ve been with him a very long time, and his lack of interest had a huge impact on my ego when I was in my twenties. I would regularly cry myself to sleep, convinced I was ugly and unattractive. He didn’t know what to say. I slept around. It was a awful time in our lives.

But we are happy now. I’ve learnt to not get my self esteem from whether He wants to have sex with me. I know I’m attractive, that now comes from within and isn’t validated by anyone else.

I think it’s a myth that men want to have sex all the time. But, in your case OP it sounds like he has a physical issue if he’s not getting actual pleasure from sex. Has he been to his Gp? I insisted my DP go to his doctor years back and they thought it was depression, which looking back on it probably was.

It would be best to accept the reality of who he is, instead of trying to analyse whats plain to see.

Just decide if this is what you want to live with, if this is what you want your marriage to be, and go from there.

You speak as if this man is
asexual, but of course he isn't. He knows what does and doesn't turn him on. He goes for what turns him on, and sadly that's not you.

He has a wife but masturbates to porn and doesn't touch you or want sex - that tells you where his interest lies whether you accept that or not.

How rude and insensitive of him too.

You could do better for yourself and move on.

Hi OP. That was my relationship to a T, although we weren't married. After 6 yrs I finally put myself first and walked away. 2 years later and have a wonderful partner and expecting our first baby. I never for a second thought I'd made the wrong decision and I'm happier now then I ever thought I could put. You only get one shot at life. Be happy xx

I really think that if he addressed the weight and physical exercise side of things that could help. That was what made the difference to me and DH, both all those years ago when he changed jobs to something more physically active and again more recently post-babies when we've been able to exercise together. In both cases, it's boosted his sex drive and mine too as I felt more comfortable in my own skin and looked better in the mirror. And it sounds like a lot of other posters are saying similar regarding the negative effects of weight, lack of exercise and self-esteem on sex drive.

However, as we all know, the wish to change has to come from him. Could you take up a sport together. Rowing? Cycling? Park run? Rock climbing? Even (whisper) cross fit? Do Whole 30 together, do a cycling holiday, really try and overhaul your lifestyles and how you spend your leisure time together.

If this doesn't make any difference or he refuses to change, then I think you have to decide whether you accept him and your sex life as it is, or leave to find someone with whom you are more compatible.