...to think about giving up on marriage in my 20s due to no sex?

[Goldie57]

I haven’t got anybody to speak to about this in real life so thought it might be worth asking here. For background, DH and I are late 20s, busy professionals, met young whilst in university and were each other’s first proper relationship. We moved in together 3 years ago and got married recently.

For years, and by that I mean about six, we have had frequent arguments about sex or lack of. In the beginning, even before we had ever had sex, we were fine with lots of kissing/foreplay/oral etc and this brought up no particular issues for the first year or two. Then I started to notice he was not at all interested and we went without for a while. Putting it down to some temporary phase, I initially ignored it for a few months but soon had to say something. For the first two to three years I was very patient and understanding, trying to work together to work out what was happening but in the last few years I have grown more and more upset, angry and resentful. The pattern tends to be we have a massive discussion about this, sometimes spanning days of talking, me spilling my heart out whilst he is slightly defensive, he then promises to change and put more effort in. However it never happens. I am so hurt at his lack of motivation and care for my feelings and needs over and above the lack of sex itself. I have explained this countless times over the years in many serious discussions but to no concrete improvement.

For context, if I left it we would probably have sex once or twice every six weeks or so? That is with living alone together, no distractions such as children etc and spending most weekends together. Every time we reach a new milestone I had great hopes e.g. buying a house together, getting engaged, getting married but he does not utilise these new opportunities. For example, we didn’t have sex or anything close on our two week honeymoon (and haven’t on any other holidays either).

I feel the only thing left is to issue an ultimatum but I am so conflicted as to whether I can go through with it. In all other respects, we have a great relationship otherwise, are very close and he treats me very well and shows a lot of care day-to-day. However I am not sure if I can live a life with no chemistry or sexual excitement at all. We are very affectionate with lots of hugs, holding hands, non-sexual kisses and massages but nothing beyond that.

Recently, he has admitted to me (and himself) that perhaps the reason that any previous effort has not been properly sustained and why this is so difficult for him is that he does not actually enjoy sex physically. This may be why even when I initiate nothing happens and he makes an excuse saying he is tired etc or just avoids things. There is always some excuse or another! He says he tends to lose his erection or not get enough pleasure to climax and that in physical terms, he prefers masturbation. It has taken him many years to admit this but I don’t know where to go from here – the physical issue alone is terrible but I feel he has been selfish and hurtful in not either giving his 100% to tackling this or admitting his problems a long time ago.

There are no physical or mental health issues (although he has always been overweight and generally quite physically inactive) and he is not on medication. He is definitely not gay and he assures me regularly that it is not personal to me and that he loves me and I am his main priority in life.

It has always been me bringing up this issue every month or two for the past six years and he has never put in any effort himself which really disappoints me. Currently he has stopped masturbating completely (for the last 10 days) and has started eating more healthily and is considering more exercise – however even in the last 10 days I have not had a single kiss or anything. I can’t help but feel very resentful of the situation and that even if he manages to somehow ‘force’ himself into having sex that it will not be enough. Also if he is like this in his twenties, surely the situation will only get worse in the future with e.g. more stresses, children or older age?

Can you live with this until you are both in your 80s and die?

If not then try relationship counseling and make your decision on whether to split from there.

There is no shame in saying you made a mistake and shouldn't have married him as it is better to split now then leave it. Also if you aren't having sex how are you going to have children?

I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

Some people aren’t bothered about sex, which is fine, and others are sexual, which is also fine. The issue is when partners have opposing views about sex and the incompatibility it leads to.

It might be he’s asexual and just not bothered about sex, but you need to weigh up what this means for your life and happiness - are you happy to live your life without the sex you want? Or do you want more?

I would suggest couples counselling - there might be deeper issues that they can help you unpick and inevitably help you make a decision.

Thanks. As you said I feel like it all comes down to whether I can live like this or not but surely the lack of kissing/other things shows that there is a wider problem? I genuinely can't tell if this is a red line for me or not as it is so difficult to decide.

I don't have much advice because I am in the same position as you. The only time we have had regular sex was when we were trying for a baby. I have taken the view that I love my husband, I love our life together and I would rather have great sex (and it is great, when we manage it) with him once every 3 months than walk away from the marriage. If in the future it ever gets too much for me to bear, then I will be asking him to come to couples' therapy with me. I hope it won't come to that.

Please don't take this the wrong way but why did you marry him when you're so clearly sexually incompatible? It sounds as if you're the best of friends but there needs to be more to it than that in a marriage. The death knell for the marriage of someone I know was when she told him she loved him like a brother. Your situation doesn't sound dissimilar. It sounds very hurtful.

Thanks Daffodil, in your situation are there any particular causes you found? If you managed to have regular sex for months to conceive, was it not possible to sustain at least some of that improvement?

Thanks Bluelady I guess when you have been together so long you just cannot imagine being with anyone else! Also everything else is great so it feels so awkward to end a relationship or now a marriage based on sex. I know it sounds obvious but in practice it is so hard to decide just how important sex is in one's life i.e. is it just one of many important factors and something that could be compromised on or is it a definite red line signifying that this will never work out? :(

Sounds like me and my partner.i have a very low sex drive, so we have sex maybe once a month if that.

He has a pretty low sex drive too though so it works for us

I felt compelled to reply to this because it resonated so much. I was like you in my twenties. I wasn’t married but had spent a decade from late teens with someone I assumed I would spend the rest of my life with. He was lovely in many ways ..... but there was very infrequent sex. It made me feel inadequate and frustrated. I thought there was something wrong with me, that lust shouldn’t be more important than love and that perhaps it was just because we’d been together from a young age etc and so were a bit bored with each other. I asked for time out and ultimately hurt this now ex very much with a very messy ending. Everyone is different so I’m sure sex isn’t important for everyone- but well over a decade on I know that that relationship was wrong for me at least in part because sex is important to me ... and I say that having been with my husband for 12 years and with 3 kids. By the time I understood in my twenties that I felt frustrated and unattractive, it was so hard to break up because I was so emotionally enmeshed with my ex and had been with him all my adult life. But there is a lot of life after your twenties!! It sounds to me as if you have very mismatched sex drives.... not a deal breaker for everyone but I am very glad at 40 that I didn’t stay in the relationship of my twenties.

Sounds like a case of porn death grip to me.

It only took us 7 weeks to conceive! And we probably had sex twice a week in that time. I think we were just lucky although I would have enjoyed "trying" for a bit longer

To be honest, as soon as I got pregnant I went right off the idea of sex and haven't really recovered my own libido yet. I am going to try and make it happen at least once more before the baby comes (I am pregnant, in my third trimester) then I imagine it will be quite a while before we get going again, and maybe that will be fine by me since I'll no doubt be tired and sore for quite a while.

But to go back to your own situation, it sounds like it is his attitude that is the cause of your resentment rather than the lack of sex per se. He definitely needs to put more effort in. Have you thought about some sort of counselling? You could take a look at the Relate website, there is some advice on there.

Also, sorry I didn't really answer your question, the causes for us are usually tiredness and stress on his part. Conditions have to be almost perfect for him to be in the mood (eye roll) i.e. not when he is tired so in the mornings only, not if there are any work/chores/admin to do otherwise he springs out of bed to do them, not if there is anyone else in the house, etc etc etc. It ends up being the odd Saturday morning at home or when we're on holiday. As I say, not ideal, but I can live with it because when it does happen it's fantastic and very loving. We do cuddle and hold hands most days so that helps - I don't feel completely cut off from affection. I can't remember the last time we had a proper snog though! I do miss that.

Op you're young, no DC this is when sex should be rampant. For whatever reason, and there could be many, it isn't.

Rather than flogging a dead horse you need to either accept a no sex relationship or leave. Sorry but the signs have been there for years. Maybe he doesn't fancy you, he could be attracted to men. Whatever. Talking about it won't fix it.

I'm sorry but sometimes you just have to realise if there isn't any physical attraction it isn't really a sustainable relationship.

Thanks bythebeach for sharing your similar story. I assume by a messy ending you mean that you slept with someone else during the time out and that was the trigger for the breakup?

CryptoFascist I'm sure he watches porn occasionally but I can assure you this issue is not related to porn.

Daffodil haha yes the perfect conditions rings a bell with me too! Thanks for the advice, will have a look at the Relate website!

Only you can decide if your happy with this way of life. For me I am not bothered about sex and neither is my husband, maybe once every 6 months for us. But we enjoy it when we do it and we are loving and affectionate to each other every day. The act of sex just doesn't need to feature in our lives to make us happy. I know other people could never live like this.

I strongly advise you to get out of this marriage as quickly as possible. You are so young and this issue is going to absolutely crush you as more years go by. It is only going to get worse. A man who has no interest in sex in his 20's is never going to change. You have only one life to live. Don't waste it.

Would he be willing to try psychosexual therapy?

Hey 👋
I was just reading and wanted to offer the opposite perspective.
I have no sex drive, never really have. I think it comes from being quite shy, and possibly a prude.
My husband and I spend a lot of time together (we own a business and work together everyday) and we hold hands and cuddle and say I love you, but when I go to bed at night the last thing that’s on my mind is sex. I know it frustrates my husband as he has a fairly high sex drive, I try to compromise and once in the midst of sex I really do enjoy it, i just don’t need it.

It’s taken a lot of talking to one another, and finally after 12yrs down the line we have got to the point whereby we average sex maybe twice a month. We do lots of other things maybe once or twice a week which I thoroughly enjoy 😊 (I’m 30 by the way)

All you can do is talk to your husband and explain how you feel. If I knew that it was a deal breaker for my husband I would without doubt do more.

All the best

Coldilox It would not be his 'thing' but possibly he would be willing to try - although of course these things are very expensive and would not be available on the NHS, in our area at least.

Thanks NorthernRunner I am sure if I gave some sort of requirement or was quite blunt that DH would try his best to stick to it but not sure that is the right way to live really...is your DH not put off overall by your lack of sex drive? I guess with you you are having sexual activity once or twice a week plus you do enjoy in when it is happening so it is a bit of a better situation!

I think if you've been discussing this with him for six years already, then you need to accept that this is probably just how it's going to be if you stay.

I don't really think giving him an ultimatum would help, if he says he doesn't enjoy sex then he doesn't enjoy sex.

Yes I am just wondering from experience of other posters whether those with mismatched sex drives ever reach compromise or whether it is always doomed!

I'm another who would get out. There are plenty of opportunities later in life for sex lives to dwindle - why put up with this at your age when you have no children?

He can remain a good friend, but for a romantic partner you sound as though you'd be happier with someone with a similar sex drive to yourself.

My DH and I have mismatched sex drives.

It’s the one area of our otherwise truly excellent relationship I’d change.

There are lots of issues for us both though and we’re considerably older than you.

Can you cope with having sex so infrequently for the rest of your life? If not you need to split.

Ultimatums won’t work. You’ve been having this conversation for years. It is what it is. You can’t change it so, can you live with it?

goldie erm I hope he doesn’t feel put off my lack of a sex drive, we have spoken about it may times and he hasn’t said that. He has expressed a desire for more frequent sex but then he always seems to joke about it and says that he feels satisfied as we do other things. I’m sure my husband would tell me if he felt differently as he is the blunt type.
No matter what it’s vital you keep talking to one another