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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to bin this long term friend - except I don't know how

56 replies

bagpuss90 · 08/11/2018 08:42

Okay - where to start... I have known this friend for around 20 years. She lives alone , no kids and she took early retirement. She has always been pretty intense and I might add she has fallen out with other people over the years.
She has had a long term married lover for the past 15 years and he has now acquired another mistress. I think he has behaved pretty shitty. She doesn't really have any other friends as she fell out with them all , also with her family.

I thinks she's become pretty lonely, sad , bitter and twisted.
I've usually seen her on a Friday or Saturday evening. That's not really always possible now as I have to visit my poorly mum every weekend and she lives an hour or more away. I also like to try and see my partner at the weekend at some point. I might add I also have a full time demanding job that involves travelling .My life is pretty stressful. So at the moment I try to pop round and see her on Sunday evenings or I offer to go round on a week night. She never wants to go out.
However she's not happy with that ( she says she feels slotted in)and when I do see her- she just spews bile about everyone-she runs my partner down (says he's a bad influence on me!!), my other friends down- her neighbours down - everyone.
I'm a busy person- I can't always reply to texts straight away- when she texts me if I don't reply - I get stuff like "Did you get my text?" - "Have you left the planet-Zorg must my very nice-cos you spend a lot of time there?" I said I was at home last Sunday - I popped out and got this"Don't believe your're at home because you're not picking up your land line. FFS-shes like a stalker.
Have had more than enough- its like a duty seeing her now- I feel very sorry for her-but I'm just not sure how to deal with it...

OP posts:

Disabrie22 · 08/11/2018 08:45

You are too busy for her and she isn’t nice to you when you make time for her - I would pull away by being more busy

ivykaty44 · 08/11/2018 08:46

Text her that you’re not able to continue the friendship as you are not able to absorb the negativity she gives out about everyone and it’s making you unhappy. Wish her luck in finding

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2018 08:50

She's not going to go quietly so why don't you actually tell her how you feel and give her the chance to change?

If she argues, doesn't see your point of view or doesn't change, then you can safely say that you're done.

Caselgarcia · 08/11/2018 08:52

Be honest, when she moans about being slotted in tell her it's because you don't really enjoy her company anymore. Reply to the 'are you busy' texts with. 'yes busy. haven't got time at the moment'.
Start distancing yourself.

sackrifice · 08/11/2018 08:53

Hi. I obviously cannot be the person you want me to be so I will politely decline to visit you any more. To stop me resisting the temptation to look in on you I am blocking you now, for your own well being. Please do not contact me again.

chocatoo · 08/11/2018 08:53

Show her this thread. Give her a chance to change.

AwfulSomething · 08/11/2018 08:55

Tell her the truth, she really may not see it and while it will distress her she may, possibly, learn something..

MissingSummer · 08/11/2018 08:55

So you always have to go and see her? She never comes to you? That in itself would irritate me (unless she couldn't drive or had some other extenuating circumstances), but coupled with her getting annoyed if you don't reply/see her, I would be very frustrated. I agree with pp, maybe say you're finding her negativity draining, especially as the friendship seems to be one sided, ie on her terms. Usually I would say if she's lonely, give her a chance, but that would only really apply if she was a nice person and it doesn't sound like your friend is particularly kind.

HashtagTeamRaven · 08/11/2018 08:56

She's sleeping with someone else's husband and has been for FIFTEEN years?! That alone is reason to end the friendship IMO.

Sinead100 · 08/11/2018 08:57

I had a very similar friend, who had been my "best friend" since I was 13. She became quite a mental drain, couldn't cope when I met my now husband, and was actually very selfish. The best advice another friend gave me was to "cut that limb loose". Some friendships are worth fighting for, you'll know if this is one of them.

Ragwort · 08/11/2018 08:57

She sounds awful, I think you just have to be very blunt. Easier said than done I know but maybe time for a frank chat ? Can you say something like ‘I don’t really understand why you want to spend time with me, you are complaining about my DP and lifestyle, what do you really get out of our friendship?’ And just keep repeating that you need to spend time with your elderly mum.

Sarahjconnor · 08/11/2018 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bagpuss90 · 08/11/2018 09:03

She can't drive at night.So I walk round to see her- shes ten minutes away. My partner pointed out that she never asks me to call or text her to say I'm home safe.

OP posts:

strawberryredhead · 08/11/2018 09:09

I would also write her a message explaining what you told us here about why you’re struggling with her. You have nothing to lose because if she takes offence and doesn’t speak to you again, you were thinking of stopping seeing her anyway. But if you distance yourself from her without explaining, she might never see what the cause was. People can be so blind to what they’re doing. I remember a friend of mine treating me badly - she’d shoot down conversations I started up and she’d be so negative about everything when I was with her. The last straw was when I’d heard she’s bitched about me to someone. I wrote her a letter saying how hurt I was and what it was about her behaviour that upset me. She was so remorseful and our friendship massively changed for the better. She hadn’t even realised she was acting like that. I think she had such low self-esteem she felt it didn’t matter if she was in a bad mood all the time, who’d care. If your friend never has her horrible behaviour pointed out to her, she could end up really lonely in future as no one will want to be around her. She may not listen if you try to tell her but sometimes we can end up feeling more loved when someone cares enough to point out to us how self-destructive our behaviour is.
I do agree the friendship can’t carry on as it is. I’d especially be annoyed by her criticising my partner.

Ztst · 08/11/2018 09:12

I would end this with no qualms.

She’s been seeing someone else’s husband for 15 years. She has been wrecking people’s lives. Affairs are all different I suppose, but 15 years is hideous.

She is a nasty, stalking bad “friend”. Why do you waste your time on her?

I wouldn’t give her the chance to change it’s not just a few crappy comments or a misunderstanding, it’s years and years worth of crapping on other people.

crochetmonkey74 · 08/11/2018 09:13

I think there's no point wishing her to be someone she's not (calling to to see if you're safe etc)
She's showing you complete disrespect and bullying by challenging you over answering landline etc. Can you stop responding to messages, and then in a week or so send something like 'it's been manic/ I'm really too busy to commit at the mo' and just kind of distance the contact

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/11/2018 09:14

Op have you posted about this before ?
I have read this exact same post quite a while ago

DisplayPurposesOnly · 08/11/2018 09:15

She's bloody lucky she gets a weekly visit!

Why not be honest? "You have more disposable time than I do. I have a full time job that involves travel, a partner and I need to spend time with my poorly mother so, yes, you are slotted in. I'm a busy person: I can't be on tap for you. I feel it's unfair that you expect so much from me."

You can keep in reserve that she needs to expand her own horizons, that she's inflexible, that her unhappiness is making her unpleasant, that she's wasted 15 years in limbo for Mr Married...

Mrsmadevans · 08/11/2018 09:16

I had a friend like this for 19 yrs. She had Bipolar and she was an absolute nightmare. We had mutual friends and one friends father died and she didn't tell me , l had to find it out in a newspaper announcement 32 weeks after he died. She said she didn't tell me because it was a private thing for the mutual friend to tel me . FFS it was not a state secret! That was the end for me . I have never regretted it . I would tell your friend the truth and then have no more contact until she behaves differently . Good luck op .

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/11/2018 09:16

She cant drive at night so you have to walk to her? Why cant she walk to you? That really highlights her selfishness right there. You are there to service her needs, she doesnt give you anything back does she?

I wouldnt bother giving her a chnace as PP have said. She has fallen out with almost everyone in her life, there is no chance she is going to change now. Is she ever the victim by any chance? Probably completely lacking in self awareness so if you did say to her that you are sick of how she treats you then it would just be further evidence of how shittily everyone treats her, it will never ever be her fault.

However, I wouldnt ghost her as that is cruel. I would message her that you have been taking stock and have realised how one sided and negative this "frienship" is and that you dont want to pursue it any more.

juneau · 08/11/2018 09:16

She can't drive at night. So I walk round to see her- shes ten minutes away. My partner pointed out that she never asks me to call or text her to say I'm home safe.

So why can't she WALK to see you, as you do to see her? She sounds like a miserable duty for you. I'd be honest, see what she says. If she attacks you and spews bile at/about you, then walk away. I'm sure she is lonely and isolated, but it sounds like it's all of her own making. You reap what you sow in life, and if you sow misery and bitterness, then that bitter pill will be yours to swallow.

Original poster

bagpuss90 · 08/11/2018 09:16

No not posted about this before

OP posts:

Mrsmadevans · 08/11/2018 09:17

3 weeks not 32

ladycarlotta · 08/11/2018 09:19

she sounds very unhappy, but that's not your responsibility. You're really trying to make time for her even though you have other responsibilities and stresses, and she doesn't see that as an indication that you value her, but instead that you are 'slotting her in'. She seems to think that the friendship exists to meet her needs, not yours?

Yeah, she probably does feel quite bitter and left behind if she's been a long-term affair (and now replaced as mistress, how galling!), hasn't had kids or maintained close friends/family. But she's not really attempting to make her life more rewarding, or appreciating the good things that are in it, eg your consistent friendship. You've done plenty for her, but this is not your responsibility and I think you'd be within reason to say so. Be pleasant, but take a break from her.

DailyMailFail101 · 08/11/2018 09:19

You’re not responsible for anybody else’s happiness but your own. Fit a visit in if you want to and can but certainly don’t put yourself under any pressure, when she texts only text back when it’s its convenient for you don’t be pressured in to things that won’t make you happy.

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