To want to bin this long term friend - except I don't know how

[bagpuss90]

Okay - where to start... I have known this friend for around 20 years. She lives alone , no kids and she took early retirement. She has always been pretty intense and I might add she has fallen out with other people over the years.
She has had a long term married lover for the past 15 years and he has now acquired another mistress. I think he has behaved pretty shitty. She doesn't really have any other friends as she fell out with them all , also with her family.

I thinks she's become pretty lonely, sad , bitter and twisted.
I've usually seen her on a Friday or Saturday evening. That's not really always possible now as I have to visit my poorly mum every weekend and she lives an hour or more away. I also like to try and see my partner at the weekend at some point. I might add I also have a full time demanding job that involves travelling .My life is pretty stressful. So at the moment I try to pop round and see her on Sunday evenings or I offer to go round on a week night. She never wants to go out.
However she's not happy with that ( she says she feels slotted in)and when I do see her- she just spews bile about everyone-she runs my partner down (says he's a bad influence on me!!), my other friends down- her neighbours down - everyone.
I'm a busy person- I can't always reply to texts straight away- when she texts me if I don't reply - I get stuff like "Did you get my text?" - "Have you left the planet-Zorg must my very nice-cos you spend a lot of time there?" I said I was at home last Sunday - I popped out and got this"Don't believe your're at home because you're not picking up your land line. FFS-shes like a stalker.
Have had more than enough- its like a duty seeing her now- I feel very sorry for her-but I'm just not sure how to deal with it...

"She has had a long term married lover for the past 15 years and he has now acquired another mistress. I think he has behaved pretty shitty. "

Sounds as if she has also behaved pretty shitty!

I get not being able to drive at night, but can she not walk at night either?

I would have no compunction about cutting her out of your life - you've got a stressful situation with elderly parents and work and to be honest spending time with your friends should be relaxing and fun and a chance to recharge your batteries, not another chore.

Back away and when she contacts you just be blunt and tell her you don't have the time.

If there is a cheeky message like the 'zog ' one which is pretty passive aggressive and unpleasant, reply with 'there's no need to be rude - I've got a lot on my plate and don't appreciate the sarcasm, I'm not here for your convenience'

Also, I still don't understand why she can't walk to yours (10 minutes away) if you can walk to hers? I know you said she can't drive at night but it sounds as though she expects you to do all the running.

She doesn't sound like she wants a friend, she sounds like she wants an emotional tampon

You need to take a step back ftom this 'Friendship' at the very least.

You are getting nothing positive out of it, and quite frankly she sounds like an awful person. If you met her now you wouldnt give her the time of day would you?

End it with a firm text or phone call, explaining that you feel you no longer have shared interests or views and that your relationship is making you unhappy. Suggest other avenues for her to make new friends, but be clear in saying you cannot see her at this stage.

There must have been something that has kept you there for all this time but I do agree she sounds draining. Due to her self imposed life choices - married man, early retirement, no going out and falling out with people she seems old before her time. I think you should show her the thread if you are brave enough or as a previous poster has said, write her a letter. Say her negativity is getting you down. She shoukd not be talking about your partner like that - do you pull her up on it? You have genuine reasons for not being able to see her every week, list them. She seems very self absorbed, could she be lonely or possibly depressed. If she lives 10 minutes she could get a cab. Insist on meeting outside if you continue, but nobody would blame you if you didn't.

Bagpuss - not exactly the same but I have a very busy life - full time work, 2 children, and also now (over the last 18 months) a very ill elderly father with a life limiting condition which takes up quite a bit of time.

I found that some of my friends were irritated by the situation with my father - taking up my time and also me talking about it. Others have gone out there way to send me little messages every now and then letting me know they are thinking of me or checking in just to see how I am.

Guess which "friends" no longer get any of my rare, precious spare time.

Life is too short for people who drag you down - any friend in your life should be there for mutually beneficial enhancement.

Yep- I think shes realised shes chucked years away on this bloke. She's had two other close friends sever contact with her, she fell out with both her sisters in law.
It's not going to be easy sorting this-I don't need the hassle- I think that's why I've kept it going.
If I'm honest I just don't like her anymore

Time to ghost her.

She sounds awful. Toxic, self-serving, and needy. Not a good combination.

And as a pp has said, it's not just her 'married lover' who has behaved 'shittily.' Any woman who has an affair with a man who she knows is married, is a fucking low-life IMO. Just as much of one as he is.

And how sad and desperate and low do you have to be, to have an affair with a married man for FIFTEEN YEARS? He had HER over a barrel didn't he?! Must have kept promising he would leave his wife. What a mug.

His poor wife though. Her husband had an affair with another woman, and when he got bored with her, he found another one. WTF is wrong with him? And surely the wife must know?! She must have some low self esteem to stay with him! What on earth is so special about this bloody man?

Regarding this 'friend' @bagpuss90 I would tell her to fuck off frankly. Do you care if she is upset? She sounds dreadful, and you would be better off without her in your life.

I sympathise. I am guilty of bending over backwards to accommodate awkward, selfish and negative friends. Two of them - not all of them! You need to look after yourself first. Don't let the guilt tripping get to you. You need to have some time to yourself to chill out as well! You have a demanding job, a poorly mum, a partner you want to spend time with and a home to run as well as any other things you want to do/have to do. Does she ever enquire about your mum's wellbeing? Your well-being? I took a step back when I became pregnant. I had a horrid first five months of pregnancy with terrible sickness and with the help of my DH and mum realised that I needed to put myself first. Don't let her guilt trips get to you. You're a good person who is allowed some time for yourself. By all means tell her all of this but keep things civil and still be friendly. You owe her nothing. No need to cut contact unless she gets nasty. I stepped back but would still text occasionally and show that I was still a friend but wouldn't be walked all over still. I don't feel guilty (old me would!!) as I realised that they were both very unequal friendships, with me giving and them taking! You've been an amazing friend. Be amazing to yourself now.

Well, she feels slotted in because she is slotted in!

You work full time & have commitments that come before her.

How important does she think that she is??

If you can't be bothered, just pull away. Don't be available for 5 weekends out of 6, ignore any texts in between.

If she asks why you are unavailable, tell her how busy you are. End of.

If she starts on your dP, walk away.

just refuse to engage. It's not easy, but i get the feeling that if she kicks off and dumps you, that wouldn't be a huge disappointment to you!

To me she sounds very depressed and in a rut. When your really depressed you don't always realize how much you can drain other people. There is always hope for people, but she must want to make changes herself.
If you really want to be totally done with her then just tell her you are too busy and have to move on because you cant cope with her. If you want to give her another chance then tell her she has to stop moaning and pulling other people down and being demanding. I'd tell her she needs to go to the G.P as well.

Slowly reduce responses and don't go and see her, she sounds like a nutter

Once a week is quite a lot, can you just say you know and are sorry she's having a bad time but you don't have any more room in your schedule. She sounds a bit needy and entitled, but it will probably pass when she accommodates the change in her circumstances.
I think it's a bit crap to abandon someone in a crisis, but it's fine to put boundaries in and say you are uncomfortable with (passive aggressive) demands you can't or don't want to meet.

God you are all so polite. When she sent me the Zorg text, it would have been answered with yes its a nice planet free of marriage wrecking selfish bitches.

@sweeneytoddrazor What is a zorg text?

The text is in the first post.

Don't ghost her OP, say what you've said here and say you won't be in touch for some time as you've realised how one-sided your friendship is.

The Zorg text was what the friend sent the OP she mentions it in her first post.

It's great to be supportive of a friend. But friendship should benefit both parties and this seems entirely one-sided.

I see the zorg text comment now!

I really need to read posts more thoroughly. That's the 3rd time I've done this today now!

Thanks folks.

Cut her loose.

She's spent 15 years shagging a married man and no doubt organising her life so that she's available whenever he calls. Now that he's moved on to someone else, she's realising that she's alone with no support network. You reap what you sow.

She's bitter, rude and antagonistic - and not your problem. I would send her one text - any of the above suggested by PP would do - and then block her. If she's not managed to bother her arse to walk the 10 minutes to your door, then it's unlikely you'll hear from her again.

You don't like her so just tell her that, she's not a nice person so why are you handwringing and bending over backwards to find a nice way to cut her out - you know if the shoe was on the other foot she would be brutal to you and love every minute of it. :

"Look, we've been friends for a long time but I don't like the way you speak to me, the way you take my friendship for granted, the way that you are rude and nasty about my life, and my husband and commitments. I just don't like you any more and have gotten to the stage that I dread visiting you because it's always a negative tirade from you and I get nothing but nastiness in return so I really can't be arsed to continue this one-sided friendship any more. Please don't contact me again."

And block.

I don't reckon she will go quietly

It's not going to be easy sorting this-I don't need the hassle- I think that's why I've kept it going. If I'm honest I just don't like her anymore

OP you've said it all in your last sentence.
What @MiggledyHiggins says would fix it in a big bang!

I'd suggest a lower key frienddump that leaves tiny opportunity for a miracle from her. You text 'too busy this weekend, will let you know when I'm free' Then let it drift with no guilt or thought... With occasional short text replies where relevant ....

-I'm too busy
-Don't fancy it thanks
-Finding you negative (about my DP/life) and moany, I've enough on, so no thanks

• That was a rude text.

(If any Zorg ones)

• Yes, I've said I'm busy. Stop stalking/badgering me

Keep it short each time, 16 words max. Never reply in less than 24 hours+. Don't read nor respond to content of any long emotional texts. ('I've no time to read this. My life isn't all about you')

If she sends anything unkind or manipulative, use that exasperation you feel, to just block her number (Mr Number app will do this if Android, as iPhone does its own block)

Jobs a good 'un.