To want to bin this long term friend - except I don't know how

[bagpuss90]

Okay - where to start... I have known this friend for around 20 years. She lives alone , no kids and she took early retirement. She has always been pretty intense and I might add she has fallen out with other people over the years.
She has had a long term married lover for the past 15 years and he has now acquired another mistress. I think he has behaved pretty shitty. She doesn't really have any other friends as she fell out with them all , also with her family.

I thinks she's become pretty lonely, sad , bitter and twisted.
I've usually seen her on a Friday or Saturday evening. That's not really always possible now as I have to visit my poorly mum every weekend and she lives an hour or more away. I also like to try and see my partner at the weekend at some point. I might add I also have a full time demanding job that involves travelling .My life is pretty stressful. So at the moment I try to pop round and see her on Sunday evenings or I offer to go round on a week night. She never wants to go out.
However she's not happy with that ( she says she feels slotted in)and when I do see her- she just spews bile about everyone-she runs my partner down (says he's a bad influence on me!!), my other friends down- her neighbours down - everyone.
I'm a busy person- I can't always reply to texts straight away- when she texts me if I don't reply - I get stuff like "Did you get my text?" - "Have you left the planet-Zorg must my very nice-cos you spend a lot of time there?" I said I was at home last Sunday - I popped out and got this"Don't believe your're at home because you're not picking up your land line. FFS-shes like a stalker.
Have had more than enough- its like a duty seeing her now- I feel very sorry for her-but I'm just not sure how to deal with it...

It sounds like fading out wouldn't work and can be very stressful for both parties anyway.

An honest text sounds best and blocking if she hassles you.

Whereismumhiding2 it sure would be a big bang and normally I'm the kind of person that would resolve things quietly and without fuss, but the friend that the OP describes wont (or choose not to) accept fading out or ghosting without prolonging the situation for the Op and possibly being a lot nastier and stressful in the long run.

The message could be certainly toned down but it needs to be decisive and fairly direct I think.

@MiggledyHiggins. I don't disagree with a big bang direct approach ! Lol.

I don't agree however that fading out approach won't work in this situation with OP's friend. As it'd be OP controlling it and simply withdrawing more and more. If friend is going to.kick off badly, she'll do either approach, but far more likely nasty & emotionalthe big bang way. The fade way is harder to pin down as a rejection or why it's happening.

Fade away/ghost also has the benefit of deniability later on, that OP was too busy & worn down, if friend later turns it all around.

I have a friend who is sort of similar. She is also incredibly intense, bitter, blunt and doesn't give a toss what anyone thinks about her. Face to face she is never too bad and we have a laugh. Now I have moved away and only speak through phone or text she has become really draining. She swears constantly about everything and everyone, talks absolute rubbish and expects me to text back straight away. If I tell her off she blocks me and I sigh with relief. She displays incredibly childish behaviour for a woman aged 30+. I have started to distance myself and after a torrent of 'abusive' texts initially she realized she won't get a reaction from me. (If I call her out on the abusive she says she is jokingly calling me a bitch etc).

I think distancing yourself slowly is the best way.

I think the distancing myself slowly is the best bet.

I think you won't be able to break it by fading out OP, especially if she lives 10 Min away - you're going to dread bumping into her by Chance.

I'd leave a polite "give me some space" text (many good examples suggested here) then block her/put her on silent/auto archive her messages and calls.

I've recently done the same thing to a relative after years of pandering and I honestly feel free, a massive weight lifted. Now I'm sad and disappointed in myself that I valued my time so poorly - why didn't I do it earlier!! Because I wasn't putting my feelings or needs anywhere near the top of my priority list