Have switched off location sharing with dad while DS is with me

[Florencerex]

I have discovered that the phone my ds uses (funded by his dad) is constantly sharing its location with dad via google maps. Ds is with me 4 days this week so I’ve switched off sharing with dad and it’s sharing with me now. Am feeling pretty annoyed that potentially my movements have been being tracked since we separated. Asked one friend and she thought it was fine that dad should know where the phone is as he’s paying for it but I feel we have potentially been under surveillance. I’m happy to switch it back to dad once he goes to stay there in a few days. Aibu to switch off the sharing?

Ds is 12 and has just started at high school, catches buses etc

I wouldn't want to have my movements followed - is it likely that he is doing that on purpose? YANBU in my opinion

YANBU. I wouldn't want to be tracked either.

I think it might default to location history tracking in Google Maps. Sharing with another person sounds different though?

This isn’t a default thing it’s location sharing with a named contact. It’s a one way thing. Dad can see where he is but he can’t see where dad is.

I think this depends on what kind of relationship you have with your ex. Do you really believe ex is tracking you or do usually get on fine and it's more than likely he just wants to be able to find DS or the phone if they went missing?

I think do what you’re currently doing. Share with you when with you and with him when with him.

It’s not about who bought the phone but about who is responsible for the child at that particular time.

You haven't given any history about your ex, so I suppose it's possible that his motives were nefarious, but it is pretty standard to track your 12 year old's movements through their phone these days. Does your ds know that he's being tracked? (I tracked my dc's at that age, but was very clear to them that I was doing so and in fact my dd found it comforting to know that I knew where she was at all times.) Are you sure that your ex is doing anything more than that? If he wanted to track your movements, tracking his ds' phone wouldn't be a very effective way of doing it. He wouldn't even necessarily know if you were with your ds at any point in time.
I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want to control the tracking when ds is with you, but wouldn't it be better to have a discussion with your ex about it?

Our kids and DSC (and us) all location share. We have them 50/50. The deal is if they turn it off they loose the phones. We never look it apart from when they're on the train. And when I've lost mine. We are certainly not following then when they're with their mum. But the phones are expensive and if they were lost we'd definitely want to data wipe and lock them remotely.

I’m asking here first before I raise it with him. I’ve no idea what the normal thing is. Ds is the first one to have his own phone

I think if their Mum was prepared to replace the phones if lost I'd be fine with her turning it off. The data thing would still be a huge worry though.

He could argue that he is not tracking you though, but his son. I think that is acceptable tbh. So while I agree with you, it may be fucking hard to get him to see. I would just do as you have done and keep turning it off. That will speak volumes anyway.

I completely understand the advantages of knowing where the phone is. What I don’t want is him knowing what I am doing during my time with my son. Especially as I didn’t know it was happening until I discovered it yesterday when I suggested WhatsApp location sharing for an event at the weekend. “Oh I’m already doing something like that with dad”

It's quite normal OP as my DH tracks DSSs (14) phone using an app after some issues with him bunking off and disappearing after school. A lot of parent's of teenagers do this. Could you not just have a conversation with your ex that it's fine for him to have this on for days he'll be with dad but you don't want to use it or want yourself added so you can use it properly. Perhaps the issues is more that the two of you didn't communicate about it as a parenting strategy rather than him having it at all.

I think it is acceptable to tell him that while he is with you, that you switch it off. It’s an odd one isn’t it?

I feel that sharing with me on my days and him on his days is reasonable. Yes not being told about the tracking is a big issue for me.

If it's tracking via google maps he can still see where you have been. Go into google maps, select the menu and go into timeline. He can still see where the phone has been on a given day even if he's not seeing the location in real time.
He will also be able to see this when DS is with you, if DS has other devices logged into google maps at his Dad's such as a tablet or laptop

It sounds like him not communicating is the issue then and it's not unreasonable to raise this with dad as being a bit of a shock.personally I'd have both of you having access (both DH, DSSs mum and me as SM all have access) in case something happens. I appreciate people have set days but if DSS is really late home or someone can't get hold of him it doesn't matter who's day it is his mum would contact DH or we would contact her until we knew he was safe. Obviously if there were issues of abusive and controlling behaviour in your relationship then that's completely different. In our situation I doubt my DSSs mum cares that I'm at work, home or Tesco (maybe my life's just really boring!). I equally don't care if she's at work, home or her mum's.

All our kids share their locations with both DH and I once they are old enough to have phones. ATM they are very happy to do this (although the 11 year old generally leaves his phone at home, it's useful sometimes if he carpools to an away match as sometimes it's worrying waiting for him to get home later than expected). Teen often takes the bus to friends houses after school and can be 20 or 25 miles away and it's nice to see where she is! It's not foolproof obviously.

In that context Is assume its harmless parenting and not about checking up on you

It does depend whether your ex has form for being a controlling arsehole or whether you just split because you'd grown apart or for other non toxic reasons though!

YANBU

To me it’s something that you and your son need to consent to. It sounds like your son has.
Either your ex wants to keep your son safe and didn’t think
It through, or he wants info on you.
Either way your method is a good compromise.

We split because I felt oppressed and constantly disapproved of. I now have him out of the house and I’m trying to make things better for myself now I’m not having to keep out of his way

Whether he intends it or not I feel like I’m being watched

YANBU

We use Life 360 so fmdc can see us and we can see them. As pp has said, the Google maps timeline can be accessed after the fact. My oh wouldn't do this without telling me, I'd hate an ex to know my whereabouts and it's a big sneaky to put this in your ds's phone and not tell you. I'd switch it off, clear the history and switch the phone off when he's out with you.. I'd be tempted not to say anything but your ex may put something else in that won't be as obvious.

I think it is reasonable that when DC is with you, the location sharing is with you. When DC is with his DF, location share is with DF.

As this is what you propose to tell your EX, I don’t think YABU. I’d just TELL your EX this is what you’re doing, not have argument about surveillance. There’s no valid treason EX could give as to why DC location share needs to be him. If it’s to find the phone if lost, that it would be up to you to use the tracking for that while DC I’d with you. So that’s not a valid reason.