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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent my gay ex for basically using me?

58 replies

SabrinaSpellmann · 07/11/2018 15:51

NC and not a bashing thread, I understand now how hard it must have been for him. Right now with my grandfather’s anniversary I can’t help but feel particularly bitter - relevant.

When I was quite young (15-16) I had my first ‘serious’ boyfriend. We were together for a year and a half and I was completely smitten with him, I thought he felt the same as he was so affectionate and thoughtful. We got on so well, did practically everything together, texted everyday, he bought me little presents, would walk me home from school. Until one day he started acting ‘off’ with me. Ignoring texts/calls, rarely coming out when I called to see him, even ignoring me when we’d be out together with friends. It made me confront him eventually to which he told me he didn’t want to be with me because I hadn’t been ‘out as much’. That fucking hurt because my grandfather had just died, he KNEW this. Afterwards he treated me like dirt. He was so cruel and bitchy towards me my self confidence almost completely died.

I was in absolute bits. For so long I pined for him, I couldn’t understand why he’d randomly do this to me. I always thought it was me and it took me so much longer to get over him. Though there seems to be a lasting effect, in any relationship I’ve been in I have this niggling fear that my partner might be gay or have ‘gay tendencies’. Too feminine, cares overly about appearance, can admit if another man is a attractive etc. I don’t mean to stereotype as I know these are horrible stereotypes but my god I can’t tell whose gay and whose straight anymore and because of my past partner I’m absolutely over the edge with paranoia.

Has anyone been though anything similar? If so how did you get through it/get over these fears?

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 07/11/2018 15:59

So was your partner gay? You're post doesn't say that's why he broke up with you

Original poster
SabrinaSpellmann · 07/11/2018 16:03

Yes, MrsStrowman, sorry I should have confirmed when I was 19 he came out with his new boyfriend.

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 07/11/2018 16:03

This is nothing to do with being gay. Its because like a lot of men you were treated unfairly. Why the breakup? Was he gay? bisexual? It doesn't even matter. Be with someone who treats you right.

Original poster
SabrinaSpellmann · 07/11/2018 16:07

Queenie, he was gay. He said he always had a feeling but confirmed it when he was with me. I didn’t piece it together until he came out to friends 4 years later.

OP posts:
Babycham1979 · 07/11/2018 16:20

I mean this with great respect, but... you were 15! You can't hold him responsible for being confused/thoughtless/immature and blame him for issues you've had with subsequent adult relationships!

Jesus, if we were all held to account for being thoughtless/mean during childhood romances, then we'd all be single. The problem is yours, and yours to deal with. Sorry.

BarbarianMum · 07/11/2018 16:24

I agree with Babycham. Lots of teen relationships are disaster zones in one way or another beause teens are immature. I think if this relationship has affected you so badly you need to think about why that is. A lot of the reasons wont be to do with him.

twiglet · 07/11/2018 16:28

How old are you now OP?

Whilst I agree his behaviour was cruel at the time you were teenagers and although that doesn't make up for nasty behaviour maybe you should try to move on given it was at least 4 years ago.

Original poster
SabrinaSpellmann · 07/11/2018 16:30

I realize we’re all immature and thoughtless as teenagers. With this I suppose it’s left such a lasting effect on me because he essentially used me as a cover up, he admitted that to me when he came out. I guess it scares me incase any other relationships I have end up being secretly gay, sounds ridiculous but it’s a real fear for me because I did feel strongly for him and then you live with the childish stigma of ‘turning someone gay’ - friends at the time thought it was hilarious !

OP posts:
Alpacanorange · 07/11/2018 16:33

You can’t blame someone for something that is not there fault.

MrsCatE · 07/11/2018 16:35

My first boyfriend (talking about long, long time ago) turned out to be gay. Strangely enough, turned out I was a 'trophy' girlfriend. A few gay friends (of the same era) said even though they knew they were gay, aimed to go out with good looking girls. Not a reverse or brag - I had no idea at the time! Looking back at 17 year old me, yes I was hot but weren't we all!

trojanpony · 07/11/2018 16:37

Agree with babycham1979...

It sounds like this has overly impacted on you.
Serious question: Have you considered therapy/counselling?

Tinty · 07/11/2018 16:38

I think that you felt so bad because he was your first boyfriend and he broke your heart. I imagine he was possibly horrible and thoughtless because he was scared by the fact that he realised he was gay and didn't handle that very well. He may have even blamed you for making him realise he was gay and that was why he was horrible to you.

Don't worry about subsequent relationships, hopefully these days people come out as gay at a young age and your relationships will be with people your age.

Just try to enjoy your life and forget about him.

Yes he was your first proper boyfriend and he broke your heart, but this happens to most people. Don't let it define the rest of your life.

Alfie190 · 07/11/2018 16:39

He didn't use you as a cover up. He was dealing with discovering his own sexuality. You need to let go of this.

Original poster
SabrinaSpellmann · 07/11/2018 16:40

I’m 24. I know it wasn’t his fault. But how he treated me and for how long he kept up the ‘act’ certainly was. We talked about this as he thought I needed to know but it certainly didn’t help or give me much closure.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 07/11/2018 16:40

Meh. My first boyfriend used me to get back at his ex girlfriend - to show her he was just fine after she dumped him. 3 weeks w me and they were back together (for a couple of months anyway). I was devestated at the time but I must admit I never thought it reflected badly on me. He was a dick, hopefully he grew up into a nicer person.

Original poster
SabrinaSpellmann · 07/11/2018 16:41

Alfie, he admitted to me that he used me during our relationship. That he only got with me to help the image, something similar to what MrsCatE said but I certainly wasn’t hot. Just average if even.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/11/2018 16:45

First love, first heartbreak is always painful but people usually move on from it. You sound as though you would benefit from some sort of counselling. He probably wasn't using you deliberately, and he probably did like you on a friendship level. He was most likely fighting the idea that he was gay, this is not uncommon not everybody feels comfortable enough to come out during their teenage years

Fibbertigibbet · 07/11/2018 16:49

My first boyfriend also turned out to be gay (although we broke up due to my family moving away, not because of him coming to terms with his sexuality). I've never given it a second thought, tbh. He wasn't very nice to you, but that's because he was 15 and having some stuff going on. I think you need to perhaps get some counselling, it really isn't normal to be this hung up about it nearly a decade on.

MyBrexitIsIll · 07/11/2018 16:55

Oh come on.
It’s not because a guy is 15yo that he can’t be a twat, using someone to their personal advantage, emotionally abusive etc...

Been 15yo doesn’t absolve you all your actions and the hurt you cause.

This guy said himself that

  • he realised he wasn’t gay whilst in a relationship with the OP
  • used her to deflect attention from him
  • was a twat by telling her it was all her fault when he knew it wasn’t (even if it was, who in earth says it’s not ok to not go out after someon very close to you dies??)

He was a twat. And it wasn’t just been 15yo and immature.

SheeshazAZ09 · 07/11/2018 16:58

My first boyfriend (back in the Cretaceous period) told me he loved me and wanted to marry me, and then the next day, changed tack to saying very seriously that he did not love me and that in fact he wanted to kill me. I had to run out of the house, half-dressed, down the high street to get away. I am happy to say that since then all the men I have met have not wanted to kill me, or at least they avoid saying they do. Wink

My point is that apart from keeping a weather eye out for dangerously psychologically disturbed men, you need to move on and put your experience down to the mess and confusion of teen relationships. You will find as you grow older that you don't so frequently come across people who are confused about their sexuality, as these days more folk work it out during the teen years. I suspect the 'working out' is easier now that variations on sexuality are more accepted and less taboo.

YouCanCallMeJodieWho · 07/11/2018 16:58

Was he 15/16 too? You really can't blame him for being confused as a child, never mind adding in the fact he was trying to come to terms with being gay.
I do agree with the others that it's not healthy still be so hung up on a teenage romance a decade later.

Original poster
SabrinaSpellmann · 07/11/2018 17:00

See I’m not making voodoo dolls of him 4 years on but the impact it’s had on me from the self blame at 15 to the embarrassment at 19 has turned into this one big ball of self conscious paranoia. I’ve been thinking about counseling but I really don’t know if it can get rid of these fears I have

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 07/11/2018 17:01

"it wasnt just being 15 and immature"

It sounds just like being 15 and immature. Teenagers have relationships for all sorts of ignoble reasons like wanting sex or wanting to fit in. Theyre not great about finishing them nicely either. It's not great but it's not unusual either and it's rare to take it to heart in the way the OP has, which suggests a wider problem.

SalemBlackCat4 · 07/11/2018 17:04

Did he ever clear the air with you years later, apologise etc?

Missbel · 07/11/2018 17:06

It would be a good idea to see a counsellor and talk through this because , as others have said, you're investing a teenage romance with far too much power over your life and choices today. It's not uncommon for gay boys to use a girl as camouflage while they try to sort out their own sexuality (and I have a Lesbian friend who did the same with boys, so it works both ways!) - but you're an adult now - you need to let go and move on.

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