To resent my gay ex for basically using me?

[SabrinaSpellmann]

NC and not a bashing thread, I understand now how hard it must have been for him. Right now with my grandfather’s anniversary I can’t help but feel particularly bitter - relevant.

When I was quite young (15-16) I had my first ‘serious’ boyfriend. We were together for a year and a half and I was completely smitten with him, I thought he felt the same as he was so affectionate and thoughtful. We got on so well, did practically everything together, texted everyday, he bought me little presents, would walk me home from school. Until one day he started acting ‘off’ with me. Ignoring texts/calls, rarely coming out when I called to see him, even ignoring me when we’d be out together with friends. It made me confront him eventually to which he told me he didn’t want to be with me because I hadn’t been ‘out as much’. That fucking hurt because my grandfather had just died, he KNEW this. Afterwards he treated me like dirt. He was so cruel and bitchy towards me my self confidence almost completely died.

I was in absolute bits. For so long I pined for him, I couldn’t understand why he’d randomly do this to me. I always thought it was me and it took me so much longer to get over him. Though there seems to be a lasting effect, in any relationship I’ve been in I have this niggling fear that my partner might be gay or have ‘gay tendencies’. Too feminine, cares overly about appearance, can admit if another man is a attractive etc. I don’t mean to stereotype as I know these are horrible stereotypes but my god I can’t tell whose gay and whose straight anymore and because of my past partner I’m absolutely over the edge with paranoia.

Has anyone been though anything similar? If so how did you get through it/get over these fears?

You really need to find a way to let this go and move on op. For your own sanity and quality of life.

I guess it scares me incase any other relationships I have end up being secretly gay

Of all the nasty stuff I could imagine happening to me in a relationship, this would be very far down the list.

Also, since it’s already happened to you once, the chances of it happening again must be vanishingly small.

Thank you for the supportive messages most of you, at least.

To note a few things, I most defiantly don’t “use it as an excuse for my failed relationships”. How horrible and presumptuous. I never said any of my other relationships have failed only that it does indeed colour my view.

I stated that my fears of boyfriends ‘gay qualities’ were stereotypes. The view comes from how he was and I never once claimed otherwise and even said I knew it was bad, still can’t help it.

Yes it was ages ago and yes it’s possibly not the worst thing to happen in a relationship, even one those of you don’t deem serious, at the time for 15/19 year old me it was shit. It was embarrassing. It was hurtful and it left an impression. I know I need to fix it because I want a meaningful relationship but it doesn’t stop the fear.

As someone else said upthread. I was treated like utter shot by my boyfriend at that age, I don’t think about it, I realise that we were young and he was a twat.
Why are you still affected by this? I would feel much better in a way, that my boyfriend was a twat because he was hiding things and scared, rather than he was just a fucking horrible person.
Get yourself some therapy ASAP.
Because this is not a normal reaction

I really feel for you OP as you are clearly hurting. It seems to me (and obviously I could be wrong) is that in your mind this has become all about you. You seem to have lost sight of the fact that this was something that was done to you because he was scared/confused/a complete using bastard.

You were an unwitting victim in his life story and it has had the unwanted effect of making you destructively hypervigilant in relationships constantly looking for the signs you missed before so you don’t get hurt that way again. The problem with this is if you are obsessively searching for the signs of ‘gayness’ you missed before it might blind you to other things, good or bad.

I said upthread, as have many others, get some counselling to talk through all this. I would like to think it will give you the emotional closure you seek.

I thought this was going to be about a gay husband not a teenage boyfriend.

YANBU to resent him for the way he treated you. Gay or straight, he was thoughtless and unkind.
First 'teen' relationships can have a lasting impact. In this case, he was unkind ending it the way he did. It's hard to trust others when you have been hurt.
As for him being Gay, that's neither here nor there. He treated you like dirt, doesn't matter the reason.

I know I need to fix it because I want a meaningful relationship but it doesn’t stop the fear.

This is the important part, and wise. I would speak to someone, if I could, just to work through what you're feeling and reset your fears.