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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent my gay ex for basically using me?

58 replies

SabrinaSpellmann · 07/11/2018 15:51

NC and not a bashing thread, I understand now how hard it must have been for him. Right now with my grandfather’s anniversary I can’t help but feel particularly bitter - relevant.

When I was quite young (15-16) I had my first ‘serious’ boyfriend. We were together for a year and a half and I was completely smitten with him, I thought he felt the same as he was so affectionate and thoughtful. We got on so well, did practically everything together, texted everyday, he bought me little presents, would walk me home from school. Until one day he started acting ‘off’ with me. Ignoring texts/calls, rarely coming out when I called to see him, even ignoring me when we’d be out together with friends. It made me confront him eventually to which he told me he didn’t want to be with me because I hadn’t been ‘out as much’. That fucking hurt because my grandfather had just died, he KNEW this. Afterwards he treated me like dirt. He was so cruel and bitchy towards me my self confidence almost completely died.

I was in absolute bits. For so long I pined for him, I couldn’t understand why he’d randomly do this to me. I always thought it was me and it took me so much longer to get over him. Though there seems to be a lasting effect, in any relationship I’ve been in I have this niggling fear that my partner might be gay or have ‘gay tendencies’. Too feminine, cares overly about appearance, can admit if another man is a attractive etc. I don’t mean to stereotype as I know these are horrible stereotypes but my god I can’t tell whose gay and whose straight anymore and because of my past partner I’m absolutely over the edge with paranoia.

Has anyone been though anything similar? If so how did you get through it/get over these fears?

OP posts:

SalemBlackCat4 · 07/11/2018 17:06

To be treated the way you were would have really hurt, that would have been an agonising time for you, but 15 year olds don't really have real relationships anyway - what I mean by that is it is just silly school-type things, that years later you laugh about when you have a real adult relationship.

Original poster

SabrinaSpellmann · 07/11/2018 17:09

Salem, when he came out at 19 he messaged me to explain. Which was basically telling me that he used me as a cover up when we were younger and that he used my granddad as an excuse to ‘get out’ of the relationship. That was that.

I’m not hung up on him. But I’m hung up on feeling like it was my fault and then dwelling over that he did infact use me. He knew he wasn’t attracted to me before getting with me. Confused, conflicted or not why the fuck would you do that to another human? Crappy things happen in the world, yes. But I wouldn’t intentionally do that to someone.

OP posts:

diddl · 07/11/2018 17:10

So you were together for 18months & he came out 18months after you split up?

Original poster

SabrinaSpellmann · 07/11/2018 17:12

diddl, no. He came out 3-4 years later.

OP posts:

slashlover · 07/11/2018 17:13

my partner might be gay or have ‘gay tendencies’. Too feminine, cares overly about appearance, can admit if another man is a attractive etc.

Really? REALLY?

One of my mates is gay - he's as much of a 'rough, tough stereotypically macho guy' as you can get.

Bombardier25966 · 07/11/2018 17:15

This relationship was nine years ago. If you're still having issues over it you need to work it through with a therapist.

My first boyfriend slept with my best friend. I don't worry that other relationships will go the same way (and they haven't) because every person is different.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/11/2018 17:20

He behaved like many 15 year olds both in using you whilst struggling with his own sexuality and using your Grandad as an excuse to end it. But it is really not healthy to be so hung up on it still that it is affecting your ability to form relationships with anyone else

Coldilox · 07/11/2018 17:21

I’m gay. I came out at 21. I had boyfriends before that, I guess to try and be “normal”, but I wasn’t exactly conscious of it at the time. I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself. There was certainly no intention to use or hurt anybody.

I think maybe you’re over thinking it all.

And as for worrying when boyfriends have “gay tendencies” that’s actually pretty insulting.

Loftyswops988 · 07/11/2018 17:22

This thread is so close to home. Same thing happened to me... except i am also in a same sex relationship now. At the time it wouldn't have seemed to be apparent but you were with him from 15, its a confusing time!

Let it go, people go through things

Rudgie47 · 07/11/2018 17:23

Everybody gets used in various different ways OP.Theres not one single person on this board who hasn't been used by a friend or a boyfriend/partner at some point. Its life it happens.
I think if I were you I'd get some therapy and try to find a way forward for yourself.Its a shame to let this be still bothering you years down the line.

Petalflowers · 07/11/2018 17:34

I think he has hurt you twice, once by originally breaking up with you, and then later by saying he was gay, and that he used you. I actually think that his behaviour was really poor, if he dated you for over a year. I can understand how you now feel deceived and cautious.

However, as someone said upthread, don’t let that ome relationship define your life. You didn’t turn him gay. Maybe at the beginning he genuinely didn’t know. To be with you so long, he probably did care for you, as a good friend if nothing else. Perhaps that’s why he contacted you to explain his behaviour. He obviously felt bad at how he treated you.

HotChocolateWeather · 07/11/2018 17:37

I had a boyfriend at the same age who also came out as gay a few years later. I suspect it's incredibly common. We were super close for about 2 years. We did split up (at his suggestion) and remained friends for a while before I got ghosted. He later went on to slag me off. I was "a beard" and "a cover"

I felt shit for a long while because I had no idea what I'd "done" Then I realised I'd not done naything. He was just confused, angry, whatever. It happens. Teens do shit things. Teens make shitty choices. I can't say I never made any myself.

The guy who followed him was much much worse FYI.

I got over it because we were stupid teenagers. Just as a got over the next guy because he was an utter dickhead.

You really need to let it go. You didn't do anything. He was a teenager; confused, angry, irrational and a dickhead, as most teenagers are.

safetyfreak · 07/11/2018 17:39

Honestly I think you are using this experience as the reason your future relationships have failed. Honestly teen years are about experimentation and we have all had our heart broken etc...

I think you need to let this go and stop using this as the reason for your insecurities.

HotChocolateWeather · 07/11/2018 17:42

. Which was basically telling me that he used me as a cover up when we were younger and that he used my granddad as an excuse to ‘get out’ of the relationship. That was that.

Basically he was an asshole. It wasn't you it was very very much him. He's told you that. You were unlucky, you picked a guy who turned out to be an utter asshole. It happens. It may happen again, it may not.

You can't live your life measuring everyone against what one guy did and assuming they will do the same. You may need help to process it if you can't get past that.

The fact he's told you all that in an email suggests to me he's actually ashamed nd wanted you to know that it really wasn't you. Take that. Own it. Move on.

Don't judge all men by the fuck ups of a teenager.

Ioki · 07/11/2018 17:44

I had a similar sort of thing happen to me - I’m gay and the girlfriend I had used me to discover her own sexuality and didn’t want anything serious and is now labelling herself straight. I feel for you because yes it did sting and it will understandabley sting but now I look back at it and just see it for what it is.

Momo18 · 07/11/2018 17:46

This happened to me when I was 15 too! Very similar story actually, wondering if it's the same guy now

You probably need therapy to move forward

Loonoon · 07/11/2018 17:48

To be fair to your friend a lot of people who eventually identify as gay will try opposite sex relationships when they are young. Discovering that a hetero relationship does not fulfill them is all part of confirming their gayness. It could be that your ex embarked on the relationship in good faith but then let it run even after he realised it wasn’t going to work for him.

First loves have a nasty way of hurting us badly and leaving long lasting wounds however they end. I still get a little pang when I think of how my first proper relationship broke up and it was 36 years ago now and I’ve been happily married to someone else for 32 of those! For a lot of us it’s our first major loss and so cannot help but leave a mark. And I agree some counselling might be helpful to you to help you come to terms with this and help you in future relationships.

twattymctwatterson · 07/11/2018 17:51

My boyfriend at 15 treated me like shit too. His sexuality is irrelevant really. 8 years down the line i wouldn't have given the guy a second thought. "You can't tell who's gay and who's straight these days" is homophobia and what happened to you is no excuse for that. Honestly get some counselling. Still dwelling on what's basically a non event at this point is not normal or healthy

silkpyjamasallday · 07/11/2018 17:52

I had a boyfriend come out as gay a few years after we broke up. I think you are taking it too personally, he was just a idiotic teenager like any other trying to fit in while also working out their feelings. They mess up a lot, and it wasn't intentional to make you feel like this, but I imagine he was going through a fair amount of torment at the time which clouded his judgement.

This was all a long long time ago OP, and I agree with other posters that you should probably work through this with a professional therapist.

NoodleEatingPoodle · 07/11/2018 17:54

I get where you're coming from. To make what was undoubtedly a difficult time for him (the period between realising that he really was gay, and being able to be open about it) somewhat easier, he chose to make your difficult time (having just lost your grandfather) even more painful.

No, he didn't choose to be gay and he couldn't have chosen to love you the way you wanted him to. But he did choose to be cruel, to ignore you and to treat you 'like dirt', and worst of all to blame the change in his behaviour toward you on you.

He was young and going through stuff, but so are many bullies and abusers. They're still bullies and abusers. You don't have to forgive him or be understanding about it as if his being gay cancels out how you were made to feel. You were only a kid too, and deserved better.

Akanamali · 07/11/2018 18:05

I got with my first boyfriend aged 18 and we were together on and off for a couple of years. He lied and cheated and was just downright nasty at times. It would have been easy to let that experience ruin my later relationships but I realised early on that I had nothing to gain from wallowing in self pity and living in the past.

I agree that you need to seek some sort of counselling to help you get over this.

SandyY2K · 07/11/2018 18:06

I thought you had married him and had kids from the title.

You're still young...he was very young at the time ..you need to move on.

Deadbudgie · 07/11/2018 18:13

I can see how this might have had along term effect on you. To be cheated on is one thing but to be with someone who you know was putting up an act and clearly coulntvevee feel for you like a boyfriend should is terrible. No wonder it has coloured other relationships, he deceived you for so long in such a fundamental way you are bound to question your judgement. Maybe speak to aprofessional.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 07/11/2018 18:25

@SabrinaSpellmann I can sympathise completely. I have been in your position. I was the same age as you but my ex was slightly older. We were in a relationship for 5 years all together and had DS (I was 17 when he was born). He came out after our breakup (although it turned out he had been cheating on me also) and I have never really gotten over the betrayal.

I absolutely adore my now DH but I find myself feeling upset and uncomfortable with the things you've described even though they are completely normal. It's all had a massive impact on me.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 07/11/2018 18:29

And I can honestly say a lot of these posters do not get the situation at all. Unless you've been through it you really don't understand. His age is not an excuse. He knew he was gay and used her as a cover up. Being confused is fine. Dragging someone else into your confusion is not.

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