Feel like my life isn’t complete without a daughter, please slap some sense into me.....

[Needtomoveon12]

Hi all

NC for this. I have two boys, 5 and 1. Me and partner been together 12 years, happy and always said we wanted two children.
Emotionally and financially I feel two children is the max I can have, it’s a nice number to have and it’s what I have wanted all my life..... but I don’t have a daughter.
Now I know before people start saying, be grateful you have two healthy children, I am beyond grateful, I count my blessings everyday and wouldn’t change my boys for the world!! I know people can’t even have one and I’m expecting people to say that, I know, I just can’t get rid of this heartache deep down that I will never have a girl.

I have always wanted to replicate the relationship that me and my mum have, and I know that isn’t guaranteed! It’s living with the what ifs.......

I know how precious any baby is!! I lost a baby boy half way through pregnancy in 2016 so this does and did make me stop this thinking of a girl, but slowly it’s crept back again.....

I’m not going to have another baby or try, because that’s unfair to baby if it was a boy, knowing deep down I desperately crave a girl. I just need to know how to move forward with my life and leave this behind. My partner went to go for the snip and I stopped him because of these silly feelings.

Please be gentle it’s took me ages to get the guts to write this, I just wanna stop being so jealous of people with daughters.

I totally understand. I felt this heartache too, even though I had my two boys. It's a real struggle but sadly something you need to come to terms with. It's harder while you have a little one because you are probably often around people who have baby girls. It does get easier as they get older. We all have dreams that never came true and it is right to be sad about it.
Thankfully for me, when my youngest was 4 I found out I was pregnant. Totally unplanned, contraception fail. And I now have my baby girl. I feel so blessed. I hope your dream comes true too somehow. X x

It is unlikely you could replicate the relationship bw you and your mother with your child because both the relationship and one of the people involved are different.

There is no reason why you cant have a deep and loving parent/child relationship with a son but, just as with a daughter, the texture of the relationship will depend on his peronality as much as yours.

Not all girls are the same. Just because a child is a girl it doesn’t mean they will have a certain relationship with you or like certain things.

I’m sure you’re not alone in feeling like this, OP. I think the key is to try to stop stereotyping gender/sex and see your DSs and two little people with distinct personalities.
I know a number of men who are really close to their mothers and do all the things you might associate more with girls. Equally, I can think of women who have an awful relationship with their mothers.
My own mother is dead and I have a wonderful relationship with my Mil. She definitely gained a daughter when her son married. I know this isn’t a given, but it just shows that you need to try and be open minded about these things.
Hope you find it easier as your boys grow and develop their personalities.

I have 3 boys and also felt a similar way. Also, growing up I only ever imagined parenting in the context of having days out with a daughter (for some reason).

Although I desperately wanted a girl I just couldn't justify it in the end. I have to admit I did contact a clinic in New York for gender selection. Looking back I just laugh at how ridiculous it all was. I do get jealous every time I hear a family member/friend is expecting a girl but that's just life- you can't have it all. Time has helped I'm nowhere near as desperate as I once was.

You can create that same relationship with a boy.

Like others have said you can't create the same relationship you had with your dm. All dependant on the character. I got my girl I always wanted and it's a blooming nightmare at times!!! My ds is much more loving. If you're prepared to take the chance do it but would you truly be dissapointed if you had another boy? I doubt it but it's the chance you'd have to take. Maybe you should foster and give a girl with no mummy a better chance at life.

I totally understand this.

I've got no boys. I remember being disappointed when I found out second DC was a girl. I was crying after the scan.

I felt ashamed that I felt like that and I went into work afterwards. It was hard to hide being upset...and a colleague (she was one of 2 girls too) said I was always talking about laughs and good times with my Dsis... didnt I want that for my own DDs.

That really hit home. I know people with no DC will think it's being ungrateful...but that's how I felt. After I got over it, I was looking forward to having her.

I could have tried for a boy, but tbh, I wouldn't have wanted another girl and was afraid I'd become depressed if it was a girl, as well as pressure from a cultural perspective. I was a little obsessed at the time and even looked into gender selection.

We often want what we don't have in life and I think wanting both genders is natural.

Must end with I absolutely love my DDs. Wouldn't have it any other way.... but I get you... even from the opposite POV.

Sorry for your loss OP . I actually am the much wanted 'girl' - I'm now in my 30's and am NC with my mum as I just cannot get on with her, I always seem to have been set to such high expectations as the much longed for girl that I never fulfil as I'm not ticking those boxes. She is unable to accept that I wont provide the mother/daughter days out and bonding she envisaged and is resentful that I exist but am denying her them by being stubborn, as she sees it. She's not abusive or unpleasant but god its worn me down feeling guilty and not good enough for my whole life. Our relationship wasn't all as she hoped (or i would hope, I'd love those things, just not with her) and she's simply unable to hide her deep sadness over it.
Of course not suggesting this would be the case with you, just offering an alternative perspective. You ultimately cant control how any two people will feel about each other, or their personality;family or not-anything can happen. You aren't necessarily missing out on the things you crave by virtue of not having birthed a daughter.

I have both and have close relationships with each of them in different ways but I have to say my dd and I clash the most as we are very alike! (Stubborn).
Ds is easier to get on with in a way and certainly teenage boys are easier than girls.
Enjoy your sons, if a daughter comes along all good but don't feel sad if not. Mums and sons do have a very nice bond.

I sympathise hugely. I had 3 wonderful boys and adores their childhoods but always felt like something hurt when I saw froemds with girls. I longed for a daughter and honestly couldn’t get past it.

I did have another child eventually, there’s a huge age gap, but I know I wouldn’t have been able to feel at ease without even trying for a daughter.

It’s hard, it really is, and knowing we should be grateful for what we have makes us feel even worse!

Stand in front of the mirror
Say to yourself "Needtomoveon - you are one lucky bugger. You've got two lovely boys so stop being a twat and move on"
Then move on.

I think my mum felt like this. Then she got me - I am nothing like her and we don't have the same kind of relationship she had with her mum. I think she thinks she's failed at having a daughter and it feels somehow that i've failed her for being myself.

Each child is different. My DP is very close to his mum, more so than his sister.

There's no guarantees with one sex or another.

I completely understand. I have 4 boys the youngest only 10 months old... as horrible as it was I did come out the scan upset... other half said he’s never seen my cry like that oops
But the love I have is unbelievable, yes I still have niggles where I long for a daughter, but I have 3 sons who 1 of which may have a daughter and I’ll have a granddaughter

No I'm not going to slap any sense into you. You can't help how you feel and it isn't a sin to want something.
I.could say all that. 'Oh you've got 2 lovely boys there be Happy and grateful for it," but you've acknowledged it your self.

Slap, slap (since you asked!)

Seriously I do understand. But would it help if I gave a view from the other end? I only have a DS but a wonderful DIL, who even invited me to help choose her wedding dress as she knew that would be my only chance. She is now as close as a daughter. The only problem - and this is definitely light hearted - is she has no interest in clothes or jewellery etc so I can’t take her out and spoil her!

barbarianmum
There is no reason why you cant have a deep and loving parent/child relationship with a son but, just as with a daughter, the texture of the relationship will depend on his peronality as much as yours

Although I agree with this in principle, the number of women on here who complain about their MILs being too needy with their OHs, wanting to speak to them/see them more than once a week, wanting to be affectionate with them...etc (and the number of posters who then encourage them to go NC with said MIL)... It does make me sad that once my son grows up, I may have that kind of DIL to contend with, whereas there is rarely any judgement of women who have close relationships with their mothers.

So I do see what you're saying OP, but at least you recognise that your feelings are irrational, and you are trying to overcome them. I hope you manage to get past this and think like others have said, this may just come with time.

I understand, and don't try to push your feelings away, you are allowed to have them and it doesn't make you a bad or ungrateful person.

However, I would try really hard to stop seeing your children as boys and defining your relationship that way, and instead see them as individuals. What difference does it REALLY make that their genitals are a certain way? What work can you do on yourself and your relationship with your children to help foster that closeness you enjoyed with your own parent? Allow your feelings, but focus on that instead.

I totally understand how you feel OP. I also have 2 boys and we aren't having anymore.

It does make me sad. I do occasionally think about it when a friend has a new baby.

But, I can't change it. I can't guarantee I would have a girl, and I have to accept what I have and be incredibly grateful for my blessings.

Hugs. I get you.

I think I have been a disappointment to my Mum at times. She wanted me to be more like her, to wear a skirt and smart court shoes, wear make-up. It's just not me. I'd live in jogging bottoms and trainers given half the chance. If you'd had a daughter they might have been nothing like you imagine.

I have 1 child, a boy. When he was littler he didn't much like hugs and cuddles, but something shifted over time and he is now such a cuddly boy. He also showed all the signs of being a typical boy- boisterous, energetic, always on the go. Again, things have shifted over time, and we've had to give him the space to change, he loves reading, art and craft activities.

There is loads to look forward to with your boys, they may really surprise you and you'll find yourself enjoying all sorts of activities and opening up to new experiences with them.

I understand. I cried when I found out my second child was a boy, because I so wanted my daughter to have a sister, just like I do.

But my son and daughter are perfectly happy together. Who knows if two daughters would have been better or worse? All I know is it would be different.

Life isn't always what we plan, but that doesn't make it less than.

I'm the youngest of several girls and my mother is still mildly upset that she doesn't have a son (she couldn't carry boys). She shows no favouritism between her grandchildren aside from when the first grandson was born and then it was balloons and teddies galore. He was the first boy to be born into our immediate family for around 30 years. After the initial excitement he gets the same treatment as the rest . My mother has instead taken to adopting my male friends (one who's parents live abroad and another who she plans on marrying me off too ).

When I picture having kids I used to only picture having sons as a was always closer to my nephews, but since I have had nieces I am close to and spend more time with little girls I now picture both. Ideally I would like at least one of each (I'd be happiest with enough for a hockey team) but I'm not sure how I would feel if that didn't happen.

There is nothing wrong with wishing for a daughter and it doesn't mean you love your sons less. Your feelings are valid and will last however long they last. You may end up having more kids but that doesn't assure a daughter, You'd be more likely to have a son tbh, you could adopt or foster down the line when your sons are older but that would open other issues.

I get it. I haven't got the amount of kids I want, no idea if I ever will - no partner and fertility problems

I panic sometimes that I will be unhappy years down the line with no daughter

I'm not sure there's anything you can do but try to accept it and remind your brain to count its blessings instead in those moments

Like another poster said,I too feel like I'm nothing how my mum envisaged me to be. As she lost her own mum young she used to throw that in my face whenever I was naughty, that she wouldn't have spoken to her mum like that. She says I've wasted my life. I don't dress feminine and constantly puts me down even now as an adult. Just because I'm not like she was/ is. My own daughter isn't like I was but I understand it's the way she is, totally different personally in a different era but I won't be making the same mistake by comparing her towards my own teen self! I'm very very lucky to have a boy and a girl. And youre not alone in feeling the way you do.

I understand OP. I had 3 boys and a girl and my relationship with my daughter is very different. I don't want to rub salt in your wounds but just trying to say your feelings are valid. I adore my sons too.

The I servile thing is now though, as someone else said, I'd the DIL your sons will have. My older boys met girls who I also adore and who I shop with, talk about girls/women's troubles. It is not the same but do not underestimate how wonderful this might be for you