Feel like my life isn’t complete without a daughter, please slap some sense into me.....

[Needtomoveon12]

Hi all

NC for this. I have two boys, 5 and 1. Me and partner been together 12 years, happy and always said we wanted two children.
Emotionally and financially I feel two children is the max I can have, it’s a nice number to have and it’s what I have wanted all my life..... but I don’t have a daughter.
Now I know before people start saying, be grateful you have two healthy children, I am beyond grateful, I count my blessings everyday and wouldn’t change my boys for the world!! I know people can’t even have one and I’m expecting people to say that, I know, I just can’t get rid of this heartache deep down that I will never have a girl.

I have always wanted to replicate the relationship that me and my mum have, and I know that isn’t guaranteed! It’s living with the what ifs.......

I know how precious any baby is!! I lost a baby boy half way through pregnancy in 2016 so this does and did make me stop this thinking of a girl, but slowly it’s crept back again.....

I’m not going to have another baby or try, because that’s unfair to baby if it was a boy, knowing deep down I desperately crave a girl. I just need to know how to move forward with my life and leave this behind. My partner went to go for the snip and I stopped him because of these silly feelings.

Please be gentle it’s took me ages to get the guts to write this, I just wanna stop being so jealous of people with daughters.

Oh sorry for typos! wonderful

While I understand, I need to tell you, girls aren't all they're cracked up to be, ever tried doing a velociraptors hair? Ever tried cuddling one? Managing a tantruming one? It's bloody hard work. I have two boys and two girls, my eldest boy is 19 and never gave me half the trouble at 15 that my eldest girl does at 11! Give me a football team of boys ANY day!!!

My husband is far closer to his mum than I am to mine. You can have that relationship with your sons too. Actually I think it's more to do with personality than gender.

My MIL always felt this with her two sons, but then I had daughters and my BIL has daughters so she finally got her wish and now spoils them rotten at Christmas to make up for lost time!

This sounds nuts but you may as well create yourself an imaginary daughter, because that's as likely as getting the daughter you imagine you'd have.

I often think that it's best when people who desperately want one gender or the other don't have that gender because of the weight of expectation upon the kid.

It's worth asking yourself exactly what the features of a daughter are that you don't get with a son. Apart from genitals, those things are what we create. They are the beginning of the gender dysphoria that is becoming more and more prevalent.

I mean all this in the kindest way, by the way. I wanted daughters and I got them - they are resolutely their own people. I can't get either of them to wear patent leather doc Martens that I would've killed for as a kid :D

Thank you all for your replies.... they have helped and given me a lot to think about. Admittedly I think a lot of this is to do with how I have seen my brothers be with my mum and barely see her and my partner isn’t close to his mum so it kinda makes me think this is how it will be for me. I know I could have a daughter and we could be chalk and cheese, I know it could just be a dream, that’s why I have no intention to try for another baby because it’s more than likely going to be a boy and that’s unfair. Really interesting to read stories from people who were the desired girl and how it pressured you, thank you, really makes sense and not something I would want for any child of mine. I don’t suppose it helps when people make the comment of ‘sons a son till he gets a wife’ it does make u feel like u will be left out of seeing them and the lovely families they go on to create.
I was really happy to read how people are close to their MIL’s, I have not seen this in real life, my MIL hated me and all my friends don’t seem to like theirs so it kind of gets your mind set to how it is all around, then I log in here and see it a lot as well. Gonna try and work through this and hope in time the feelings fade xx

Ahh I get it I was secretly a bit gutted when i found out I was expecting a boy. I have a girl already but wanted a 2nd girl as I had a name I wanted to use which I didn't use for my dd because mil was really nasty about it it's always been a huge point of contention. Im almost 30 weeks now and I'm totally over it and excited to be getting a little boy I know iwbu to feel the way I did it was just a mixture off stuff. I've been coming to terms this will probably be my last baby and I won't ever get to use the name I love so much.

Understand how you feel OP. From another point of view I secretly wanted a daughter and told no one, if anyone asked what I thought I said I think I’m having a boy. Anyway I’ve had two scans and they’re saying girl. My feelings have totally changed now, I’d have loved a boy. I coo over all th boys clothes and hope one day to have a son. Sometimes you get what you secretly want but don’t feel exactly the same about it. I will love her whether she’s a girlie girl or tomboy or however she is, I have no expectations anymore.

Love my mum to bits but we fight a lot and clash my sister does with my mum too and actually my brother does. We’re a loud shouty family and I hate that. I just want a calm relationship with my child boy or girl.

Awwww you’re grieving 😘. I can imagine you wanted to dress her up and take her to the spa, go on shopping sprees, do girly things and as much as you can be close to a boy in this way, it’s not the same.

I guess acceptance of that loss is the only way forward and then to focus on your reality.

Ps I thought yay I won’t have to stand on the football sidelines anymore when I had a girl, got that wrong. She plays too 💐

I know how you feel OP, I'm in the same situation. I've read quite a few threads along these lines and people always rush on to say how they hate their mums, whilst their brothers and husbands are super super close and so are all the men they know. But that's honestly bs, sorry! Read the whole rest of this forum, every other thread is about how men don't give a crap about their families!

Also women do usually have more in common with other women, which is why this forum is mostly women. If there's absolutely no difference why isn't this forum 50% men, and cars.com or whatever 50% women.

And you just can't say that men do more of the caring work in this world than women.

Oh and in my experience when a son doesn't keep in touch with his mum, the DIL is blamed but actually it's the son himself who just can't be arsed. A fact the mum doesn't want to face.

I think my DH best represents this situation, he gets on fine with his mum but when I suggested he call her, he replied "Why? I called her 2 months ago."

Anyway what can we do about it? Nothing. Make sure to have hobbies to fill our retirement I guess, and try to put money aside for care (as our sons sure won't be involved).

I would give anything to have a daughter. Yes she might hate me, but I feel there is at least a 1/4 chance she might care about me. With a son it's a 1/1000 chance.

I have all boys and whilst I can’t know how you feel as I’ve never been bothered about having a daughter, I just want to reassure you that you can still have a fabulous close relationship with your sons. My boys are so different in their personalities, they like different things but all are affectionate, sensitive and great fun to be with. The older they get, the more I have in common with them and they confide in me way more than they do my husband. They are all sporty and I spend a fair chunk of time watching them do this, but we also snuggle up together every weekend to watch Strictly together, bake cakes and loads of other “girly” things (have put girly in brackets before I get jumped on for stereotyping )

My advice is to try and stop imagining what you’d get from a mythical daughter and focus on developing those bonds with your boys.

My Mum is far closer to my brothers than she is to me. We just have absolutely nothing in common, they see her more often than I do and their children are closer to her than my daughter.

Same with DH, he loves his Mum and enjoys spending time with her. There’s no reason why you can’t do lunches/ spa days with your sons or daughters in law!

I actually worry that I won’t have a close relationship with my daughter, as I don’t have a good example to go by. I’ll try everything I can do make her feel loved, cared for and I hope we’ll be close. Although there really is no guarantee.

I would have thought this if i didn't have a daughter but she much prefers her Dad and not all girls are hte same. I think you're over thinking it you might be disappointed if youdid have a girl.

I have 2 boys.

I have lots of nieces and absolutely treasure that relationship, however I'd say it was the daughters of my friends that I tend to have the sort of relationship I would love to have had with my own daughter.

I'd never really hankered for a baby girl, it's now they're growing into fabulous young women that I feel it would have been great.

We (the Mums/my friends and some of the daughters) go to the cinema, or they sometimes join us in the pub (small village, so maybe just popping in rather than going out with us as such).

Some of them babysit and I love the chats we have and to hear about their lives.

I have a great relationship with my 19YO son, but we have different interests so we don't do shared activities so much or read the same books etc.

It's all fine, it's just something I get wistful about now and again.

Sometimes I think the women who will get real ‘gender disappointment’ are the ones who DO end up with the daughter/daughters they crave but then don’t live up to the ideals/expectations they had in their head.

My great-aunt had a longed-for daughter after 2 boys. Her sons grew up and stayed pretty close, had their own kids and she was a very involved grandmother. Her daughter went off and travelled, was bad at staying in touch and never settled down or had kids (like many women choose nowadays). There was never a real ‘mother-daughter’ bond there like she’d dreamed.

Another auntie had 2 daughters as she’d wanted, thinking they would be close sisters and they’d all have a lovely relationship. The girls never had anything in common and fought. Now as adults in their 20s they have a strained relationship and barely speak. Both live in the towns where they went to uni, ages away from my aunt so she hardly sees either of them.

Those are just 2 examples out of many that I can think of. I just think sometimes women have a picture in their head and it’s not always the reality.

Yeah you can’t have any expectations really as no one knows. One of the reasons I changed my tune about wanting a boy is seeing close family friend with her 7 year old. He’s so cuddly, sensitive, polite and loving and I thought awww nothing like a Mum and son bond.

You just don’t know, I’m going to just take each day as it comes. In all honesty I need my daughter to be independent, tough and unspoiled because I’m a single mum. I just won’t know though. Can’t predict anything they’re their own people and won’t turn out how we think they should. Like I’m not who my mum imagined I’d be.

I feel the same. Our son is 3. He was an ivf baby so very much wanted but we both wanted a girl. Bit gutted when we found out it was a boy and I felt awful admitting that. He is absolutely gorgeous and pretty loving.But like others on the thread, I had dreamed of shopping trips, and lunches out etc with a daughter. I still look at the pretty girls clothes in shops. We are not having any more children so I will pour everything into my adorable boy.

And I must say, I never do spa days or lunches out with my own mum, or go shopping with her. We have a good relationship but it’s not the sort of thing that interests me. I always find it odd when people want a daughter for those reasons- just as likely you will have a girl yet never experience any of that.

I have grown up sons and a daughter, and I have to say my sons are far kinder and patient with me than DD! She gets very exasperated and tetchy with me, never sure why!

I completely understand OP! I always knew I wanted a daughter and while I wouldn't love my children less based on their gender and felt incredibly blessed to be a mother, I just knew I didn't want to go through life with only sons. Of course you can't control these things and I do have a couple friends with 4 boys and many friends with 3 boys. They are wonderful families, great kids, but there is an ache for many of my friends and some either went on to try again and/or live happy lives but are able to own the fact they do (secretly) wish they'd of been able to have a girl.

How you feel is okay, maybe it would be helpful to remind yourself of your choices:
Have another if you are okay with it being another boy or girl. There are no guarantees.
Wait a few years until your sons are much older and maybe set out to adopt a girl. You'd need to understand trauma children in care have faced and want to adopt, not just have a daughter etc. Children who are adopted typically have extra needs.
Go through the feelings and come to accept that this is your family and probably always quietly wish you'd of had a girl but have acceptance it doesn't.

And please don't feel guilt! You are obviously a loving Mum and have a lovely family. Feelings are feelings and when given the space and not suffocated we typically adapt and adjust and get to a better place.

Allow yourself to feel the pain you do. But limit it. I have previously said to myself, I will feel like this for the next 10 mins then I will think about something else. Doing that repeatedly helped me gradually move on.

There is no reason why you can't have a close relationship with your sons. Have conversations with them about emotions so they become emotional literate, empathetic individuals. There is a nice supportive facebook page called mums with sons.

You also have no idea what a relationship with a daughter may have been like. She might have just not been into what you are into. You may have just been very different.

Don't waste your life grieving over a fantasy person who has never existed.

I get it completely, I desperately wanted a daughter and only had boys. However, I'm really lucky, I've had a stepdaughter for the last 20 years and I couldn't love her any more than I do.

I would give anything to have a daughter. Yes she might hate me, but I feel there is at least a 1/4 chance she might care about me. With a son it's a 1/1000 chance.

I find this comment really sexist and really sad. What chance do boys have with mothers who write them off like this at their 20 week scan? What chance do they have to grow to full, compassionate human beings when they are labelled uncaring as soon as they sex is known?

Awwww you’re grieving 😘. I can imagine you wanted to dress her up and take her to the spa, go on shopping sprees, do girly things and as much as you can be close to a boy in this way, it’s not the same

Do we have to reduce girls to dolls?