Confront over cheating or walk away immediately?

[Whatafoolihavebeen]

I’ve been seeing someone since April of this year, it’s been slow to progress as he is separated and we both have children to care for. However we were clear that we’d only see each other.

Two months ago he told me he’d been on an online dating website just looking around and chatting. I made it clear I wasn’t happy for us to continue under those circumstances and he said he would come off.

At the weekend I met up with a woman I used to work with for coffee who is actively dating through Tinder etc and she showed me the men she’s currently talking to. Needless to say one of them was him -he’d initiated the chat, said he wasn’t seeing anyone but wanted a relationship and basically suggested meeting to see where things led. She didnt know that I’ve been seeing him, she’s now ghosted him but says he’s online most of the day/evening. He’s been very quiet with me all week- only a couple of texts just checking I’m still around it seems. It appears he’s spending most of his time online chatting to new women so he is probably meeting lots behind my back.

I know I can’t continue with this. I trusted him and everything he said to me, he is repeating to other women. I don’t know how to handle this as I care for him but I know there is no point when he can’t be faithful. Do I say something or just disappear? I feel so hurt.

Roundturn I'm liking your style. I'd go for the 'you're crap in bed' personally lol. But I'm mean. ;)

I personally wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that I was aware he had played me.

I would tell him I had met someone else who I was more sexually compatible with, block him and leave him wondering.....

"I care for him"

OP - you don't care for him because you don't actually know him (just an image he presented) and he doesn't know you because he didn't try to get to know you "as a person". It's a shame in some ways but it's also just a life lesson to take on board and move on.

You have not been foolish at all - unfortunately there are some total dicks in this world who are gifted at getting even the most perceptive/suspicious of people to doubt themselves. The only foolish thing now would be to give this man any more of your precious energy.

You must block any avenue of communication in case he decides he wants to reel you back in and keep you hanging to satisfy his ego. I would just go for a final text of "Don't bother making contact again - your behaviour on Tinder is really pathetic and an absolute turn off for me".

THEN BLOCK.

Ghost him. No explanation. No confrontation. Nothing. Just block him on everything. Leave him wondering what he did/where you went. He deserves nothing more.

Since April he has been playing for for a fool until something better comes along.

Thank you, I didn’t expect much of a response so I’m really grateful. It’s clear that he isn’t going to change and that I’ve wasted my time.

It's not a waste of time. Presumably you enjoyed yourself at least some of the time over the summer and you've definitely learnt something from it - as long as you walk away firmly, permanently and with dignity then all's good.

Next time you meet someone, please just remember that the right person for you is not going to make you feel crap or insecure. If someone you are seeing tells you that they've been looking around online dating sites it really, really doesn't matter whether they agree to stop if you ask them to. From the moment they tell you something like that, KNOW that you deserve better and walk away without hesitation or regret.

Nah you've not been together long enough for that shit get rid of him without a second thought.

I've really had a fun tune with him sexually and to talk to which is why I'm gutted that he's blatently chasing others.

Believe me, I know OP - the reason you've had so many replies is that so many people have been there (either those who've responded to you or their close friends). It stings of course because it was lovely to be enjoying intimacy with someone and it's fucker when that rug is pulled out from under your feet so suddenly but, really... and this is important...NO REGRETS. You had fun over the summer and it's a shame that your hopes this was going to become something more than that must now come to an end but that doesn't take away from the fact you had fun and now the summer is over it's time to draw a firm line under it all and move on. There is no benefit in dragging it out now (in the form of confrontations, second chances or ruing the time you spent with him) - total waste of energy and the longer you do that, the longer it takes for you to meet someone truly deserving of your care.

Personally I would probably send him a message something like: "We agreed to come off online dating websites and that we would be exclusive. You haven't stuck to this agreement, therefore our relationship is over. Do not contact me again."

And then block, don't give him a chance to make excuses and wheedle his way back in. You would never be able to trust him. Don't tell him how you know, either.

Sounds to me like you're looking for a reason to let him off the hook. Don't bother wasting any more your time. He's a player that's all you need to know. Forget this bla bla bla about confronting him, he's a liar and a cheat so you're never going to get any truth out of him. The only way to deal with him is to give him a taste of his own medicine. Don't even bother going to the trouble of blocking him, he's not that important... just totally ignore him. You're busy! Don't tell him that, show him by your actions. He's so unimportant to you that you don't even bother to hit one key on your keypad in response. If you respond to him i can almost guarantee you'll be the one who ends up totally screwed over and feeling kissed off. Head held high don't give him another thought. This life is not a dress rehearsal, don't waste your time.

*pissed off

I think a lot of men (my ex included) love being in a relationship and getting to have the intimacy and the closeness... and also want the excitement of dating and new women. They tell themselves that they're careful and won't get caught.
When the relationship ends because of lies, they are upset but do the same thing again and again anyway.
OP, you need a clean slate so ghosting isn't the best option (though it might sound like it), if you think he might come chasing an answer.
Send him a text so he knows you're done. Something short and to the point like "I know you've been setting up dates with other women. I'm not interested in taking this relationship further. Don't contact me again." Then block.

What have you decided to do op? How are you feeling now? I mentioned Matthew Hussey on another thread the other day but his videos are really good, all about valuing yourself and having more confidence. You could google him. He’s on insta and Facebook as well x

I’ve enough evidence now to know that he’d pretty much sleep with anyone and is blatantly proposing sex to women he meets online. I’ve booked in at the sti clinic next week for a check up.

I’ve not done anything yet, I just ignored his message yesterday and he hasn’t yet tried to contact me again. I will tell him why I’ve walked but not yet. I want to lick my wounds first and be feeling stronger when I speak to him.

I’m sorry to hear this. Perhaps book yourself some counselling to give yourself some power back and self esteem.

This is him showing his self and nothing to do with you or your worth.

Thank you, it has upset me as we got on well and had an amazing sex life. I stupidly assumed that would be enough but clearly not. He’s been keeping me hanging around with occasional contact while all of his time is going on trying to organise meetings with women he meets online. It hurts that I meant so little to him. I thought he saw “me” but I’ve been pretty much a shag to him.

For the right person you will always be enough. This person wasn’t for you but maybe he has taught you something that you needed to know, that’s one way to look at it x

@Whatafoolihavebeen ... this is really not about you at all. No one was ever going to be "enough" for him right now because he is really obviously lacking in something quite significant.

People who have got their shit together just don't treat other people like this because they don't need to and why on earth would you want to unless you were pretty fucked up? He is currently unable to "see" anyone beyond himself and people like that are so difficult to have in your life - total vampires.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - "Two months ago he told me he’d been on an online dating website just looking around and chatting". Two months ago he showed you who he was and that was the time to say - hang on, why would someone who gives a shit about anyone but themselves not only do that but tell me about it to test my reaction? There's no talking or rationalising to be done here unfortunately - Game Over. Don't feel foolish about not doing that 2 months ago though - I have also been there and allowed a man to get away with something very similar and yes it really stung when I subsequently found myself in your position... but it taught me a great lesson and I never made that mistake again and it really served me well.

I would adopt a friendly tone and just say "How's Tinder going for you?" And let him squirm. You have your friend as backup if he denies it.

Ugh what a wankpuffin. I wouldn't meet him in person or speak on the phone, just send a really direct message stating how it's going to be:

hi wankpuffin, seen you're on a few sites amd asking around for sex. Obviously we've talked about this and I've said I wouldn't be happy to continue seing you if you were still doing this. You've both broken my trust and knowingly endangered my sexual health, so I'll be leaving things here. Please don't contact me again, I don't want to discuss.

Then delete all traces. Closure is best, and people are too used to indirectness in dating - you should let him know the consequences and have no obligation to do anything more.

Ghost 👻 👻

Whyyounoeatmypie, I love your message. Totally to the point.

Yay @Whyyounoeatmypie

Excellent message

Haha thanks! Wish I could say this wasn't from experience. Hope the next one is less of a turd xx