Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Confront over cheating or walk away immediately?

106 replies

Whatafoolihavebeen · 07/11/2018 09:35

I’ve been seeing someone since April of this year, it’s been slow to progress as he is separated and we both have children to care for. However we were clear that we’d only see each other.

Two months ago he told me he’d been on an online dating website just looking around and chatting. I made it clear I wasn’t happy for us to continue under those circumstances and he said he would come off.

At the weekend I met up with a woman I used to work with for coffee who is actively dating through Tinder etc and she showed me the men she’s currently talking to. Needless to say one of them was him -he’d initiated the chat, said he wasn’t seeing anyone but wanted a relationship and basically suggested meeting to see where things led. She didnt know that I’ve been seeing him, she’s now ghosted him but says he’s online most of the day/evening. He’s been very quiet with me all week- only a couple of texts just checking I’m still around it seems. It appears he’s spending most of his time online chatting to new women so he is probably meeting lots behind my back.

I know I can’t continue with this. I trusted him and everything he said to me, he is repeating to other women. I don’t know how to handle this as I care for him but I know there is no point when he can’t be faithful. Do I say something or just disappear? I feel so hurt.

OP posts:

Witchesbritches · 07/11/2018 11:17

I wouldn’t Ghost him because I’d just want it properly over, not hanging over my head.

Just tell him you know he’s messaging other women saying he’s single, so now you’re making it the truth. YOU are done, he’s single.

This isn’t about you, it’s about his lack.

He was ‘open’ with his life because it reeled you in. Sadly he’s probably been seeing others the whole time.

Move on 🌷

Storm4star · 07/11/2018 11:18

I wouldn't ghost him. Reason being if you do that he will not know why you did and then feel justified in himself for talking to other women. Ghosting is why no one can trust anyone on OLD any more and therefore hedges their bets. If everyone stopped the ghosting nonsense it would be a lot better for everyone! Don't give him a chance to explain but do let him know you rumbled him and that he was the one that screwed up!

letsdolunch321 · 07/11/2018 11:20

Block him on every gadget you hAve. A loser like this is not worth the hassle. Typical player

Notjustanyone · 07/11/2018 11:23

It's been a couple of months not years so I don't understand why you are giving him so much head space and angst over it. All you have to do is text him and tell him it's over because he is an unfaithful twat then block & delete. Or ghost him which is what I would personally do as I wouldn't waste anymore time on him. The sooner you do this the sooner you can move on and find someone who does want to settle down and is faithful.

Tinty · 07/11/2018 11:24

OP I'd be tempted to make other accounts with pictures of friends (with their consent). Arrange to meet him (as one of your friends). Then you turn up. Watch him try to wiggle out of that. Or go with the friend to meet him. I would love to see his face if you did this.

But that's just what I would do.

Singlenotsingle · 07/11/2018 11:26

You're right. No way back. Can't you just message him and say you've met someone he's been chatting to on OLD and you see there are others, so hasta la vista, have a nice life.

LoniceraJaponica · 07/11/2018 11:27

I've changed my mind about ghosting, just tell him he is single again and has no need to lie on Tinder about that any more.

Alfie190 · 07/11/2018 11:31

If you dont want to ghost him, then I would be inclined to tell him you think it has run its course or you have met someone else. I wouldnt give him the satisfaction of knowing the real reason.

magoria · 07/11/2018 11:33

What does it matter if he wants to contact you? Ghost him, block him so you don't see his messages and walk away.

He has shown you no consideration you owe him as little respect or care.

Also you will need a STI check up as you don't know where else he has been.

DeeStopia · 07/11/2018 11:36

You poor thing. It is NOT about you- he is keeping his options open and he always, always will whilst there is online dating available to him.
I am a cruel cow and I would dump him, not mentioning the OLD profiles. I'd say something like, 'I think we need to stop seeing each other. It's just that I'm used to people who are really selfless in bed' or 'I'm a person that likes interesting and intelligent conversation, and I don't think we're suited in that way' or 'I feel I need to be with someone with, oh I don't know, several layers to their personality... some depth...'
(Yes I am a bitch)

ImNotKitten · 07/11/2018 11:37

CryptoFascist ‘s approach is genius. I definitely wouldn’t confront a liar, what’s the point? He’s already shown you that he talks a load of rubbish to get what he wants, how could you believe a word he says when you confront him? Waste of your time and effort. There’s nothing wrong with ghosting someone who has been lying and deceitful too.

AnyFucker · 07/11/2018 11:43

It sounds to me like you would be open to him hooking you back in and you are looking for reasons to let that happen

Send him one text "I don't do liars, now fuck off" then block him. Ghosting him leaves it too open and "confronting" allows a conversation to be had. There is no way back from this.

VQ1970 · 07/11/2018 11:43

It depends on what you hope to achieve from talking to him. If you're hoping he's going to apologise, tell you how much you mean to him blah blah blah then just ghost him because he will do all of that and it will all be lies and you'll fall for it.

I know that ghosting doesn't give you closure and I think that's what you want. If you ghost him, you'll spend ages thinking about what you should have said, what you should have done, what the conversation might have been etc. and that's also not good. It's easy to say don't do it but you can't control how you feel.

I would suggest one last text getting everything off your chest, tell him you know he's cheating, he's not the person you thought he was and you don't need that kind of hassle in your life then send and block so he can't come back. Hopefully that will give you the closure you want.

It's a horrible situation to be in, it makes you doubt yourself and everything about the relationship but you know it's not you that's the problem. People like him will never change.

Loopytiles · 07/11/2018 11:44

I would dump him by text, saying lying and dating others was unacceptable, then block.

TheFaerieQueene · 07/11/2018 11:48

Without being too unkind, I doubt he will give too much thought to being ghosted. He doesn’t care about you and will just shrug and move on. He doesn’t have feelings the way you do OP. I would just block and move on.
Best of luck.

YearOfYouRemember · 07/11/2018 11:59

There's no real point telling him you're not happy with things as they are. He doesn't care and he'll just move onto the next woman. It seems like you're looking for a way to stay with him and justify his behaviour. Think about why you feel you're worth so little.

Owlwantstoshare · 07/11/2018 12:00

Nope I’d not challenge him. You’d not get the truth. I agree with just blanking him totally. He doesn’t deserve any more of your time or headspace. Sorry he’s not how he first appeared. Very upsetting and disappointing ☹️

toherdoor · 07/11/2018 12:02

I agree that talking to him is a bad idea as he'll only try to wiggle out of it and try to talk you round.

I would ghost him, but then if he rang or turned up I'd just ignore him. Would've answer.

The only other thing I'd do is respond to his next message that I've met someone else and I've decided I'd rather be exclusive with him so I'm ending contact, but have a nice life. See how he likes that.

toherdoor · 07/11/2018 12:03

*wouldn't answer

whatwillbewillbe03 · 07/11/2018 12:05

If you have made it clear already and he's still doing it he doesn't obviously don't care or respect you and there will be no going back.

I would message and just say the relationship isn't working for you anymore i'd tell him you know he is messaging other women which you made your feelings clear about and you do not wish to be in a relationship with a man who can treat you like that.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 07/11/2018 12:05

I wouldn't ghost him, I would old fashioned dump him. I wouldn't tell him I know about Tinder I'd say something like it was going nowhere and you're bored. Anything to give his ego a kick on the way out.

Serialweightwatcher · 07/11/2018 12:06

I'd text him and tell him you've seen his ads because one of your friends is on the app - hope you took screenshot ... you need to say something because he probably will try to convince you otherwise if you ignore him ... I know it's rotten but there are so many people who take others for fools just to get their own way - thankfully this isn't 5 years down the line

halfwitpicker · 07/11/2018 12:07

These men!

bubbles108 · 07/11/2018 12:10

am right in thinking there’s no way back from this aren’t I?

Not unless you want to be treated like crap and to catch all sorts of STDs.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 07/11/2018 12:13

OP you've had a lucky escape. I would end the relationship, no need to be nasty / vindictive, just explain that you want a monogamous relationship, and you realise that's not what he's looking for and then MOVE ON AND DON'T LOOK BACK

Flip

1 2 3 4 5