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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Confront over cheating or walk away immediately?

106 replies

Whatafoolihavebeen · 07/11/2018 09:35

I’ve been seeing someone since April of this year, it’s been slow to progress as he is separated and we both have children to care for. However we were clear that we’d only see each other.

Two months ago he told me he’d been on an online dating website just looking around and chatting. I made it clear I wasn’t happy for us to continue under those circumstances and he said he would come off.

At the weekend I met up with a woman I used to work with for coffee who is actively dating through Tinder etc and she showed me the men she’s currently talking to. Needless to say one of them was him -he’d initiated the chat, said he wasn’t seeing anyone but wanted a relationship and basically suggested meeting to see where things led. She didnt know that I’ve been seeing him, she’s now ghosted him but says he’s online most of the day/evening. He’s been very quiet with me all week- only a couple of texts just checking I’m still around it seems. It appears he’s spending most of his time online chatting to new women so he is probably meeting lots behind my back.

I know I can’t continue with this. I trusted him and everything he said to me, he is repeating to other women. I don’t know how to handle this as I care for him but I know there is no point when he can’t be faithful. Do I say something or just disappear? I feel so hurt.

OP posts:

Gr33nGlass · 07/11/2018 10:18

Don't give him all this headspace, trying to work out his motives and why he did it. This thread has answered those questions.

It's nothing to do with who you are, it's who he is. A lying fake.

Ghost him, give him no more of your energy, put that into your own life.

Juells · 07/11/2018 10:18

it’s been slow to progress as he is separated and we both have children to care for.

It's been slow to progress because his time is taken up with lots of women. He won't change, there's only pain and self-esteem-loss in this for you.

Ztst · 07/11/2018 10:18

Just get rid. Too much hard work too soon. He sounds like a shit.

cjt110 · 07/11/2018 10:19

He's probably still bloody married and living with her. What a scumbag

BlooperReel · 07/11/2018 10:19

One message saying you know he has been fucking about, meeting people from tinder etc, and you don't have time for this shit. Then block from everything and move on from the twat, don't even let him respond.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/11/2018 10:19

I would never normally suggest ghosting someone.

But he doesn't deserve your time.

Block him on everything.

Go full ghost on him.

Lifeisabeach09 · 07/11/2018 10:20

Of course there is no going back from this. How could you even think there could be?!

I like what Crypto said.

However you do it, end the relationship.

WhyAmISoCold · 07/11/2018 10:22

👻👻👻👻

Original poster

Whatafoolihavebeen · 07/11/2018 10:22

I’ve been to his house lots so I know for sure he is separated. I just had high hopes for a proper relationship developing and made excuses to myself despite seeing all the warning signs.

OP posts:

YankeeDad · 07/11/2018 10:24

He obviously thinks I’m not good enough for proper commitment

It sounds more as though he's not good enough for proper commitment ... or any more of your time.

WatchThisThread · 07/11/2018 10:24

His ex wants him back? You believe that? Bet she was glad to see the back of him.

This man is a pathological liar. He will say whatever it takes to get you on hook. And that's it for him, he gets off on seeing nice people like you hanging on his every word.

See him for what he is: a manipulator, liar, cheat. Just bin him. Block him everywhere and don't give him the satisfaction of confronting him. All that will tell him is that he has the power to create a deep emotional response in you, which will only delight him further.

Sorry you had to meet this creep OP

LoniceraJaponica · 07/11/2018 10:32

OP please take your head out of the sand. He isn't that into you. Just ghost and block him, and move on.

I know how horrible it makes you feel, and that you want closure, but once you have decided for yourself it is over, then it is over.

strawberrisc · 07/11/2018 10:33

Why are you even asking? He's a nob and he's wasting your time. I'd honestly rather be on my own.

Wazznme · 07/11/2018 10:34

It's really hurtful when men are asses. Ok, if you've just had one date to be still on there, but when you're regularly seeing each other, it's not ok.
Move on, another one will come along who you'll like equally in my experience.

DaffoDeffo · 07/11/2018 10:37

The problem with online dating is that there is another woman (or man) available in 5 mins. It's like the crack cocaine of dating.

And lots of people don't value loyalty and he's one of them.

He may really like you. But he also likes having his cake and eating it. So when he's bored, he goes to visit the sweet shop to get another sweet.

Don't waste any more time on him. And fwiw, I would confront him. Tell him he's a prick and you are worth far more and deserve better then delete him and move on.

Sadly on On Line Dating, men like him are bloody everywhere and they are hard to spot

be kind to yourself

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 07/11/2018 10:50

Tell him you're through with him and tell him why. Don't ghost him - ghosting is cruel and nasty behaviour. I don't care if it's commonplace - it's something no decent person would do. (Yeah, I know - I now have to dodge the brickbats coming my way ).

bertielab · 07/11/2018 10:54

Ghost him.

Never explain, don't confront.

If he really really asks -just tell him that you lower your bar and now you raised it again and he doesn't make the grade. Don't elaborate.

I suspect he's a cheater

ladycarlotta · 07/11/2018 10:56

This. I don't understand what ghosting would achieve, he'd just amp up his efforts to regain your attention and if you don't want him around any more, that isn't ideal. Say your bit, briefly and dispassionately, then block and move on.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 07/11/2018 10:59

Don't ghost. That's rude and immature regardless of the circumstances. Just one message to say you are no longer interested then block.

Original poster

Whatafoolihavebeen · 07/11/2018 11:02

A lot to think about. I’ve been ghosted and it hurt. It also left a lot of unfinished business. If I ghost, I suspect he will ring/turn up asking what is going on,at some point. Maybe saying it how it is would be the best bet.

OP posts:

sofato5miles · 07/11/2018 11:10

I would block on most avenues, send a text, then lastly block his number immediately.

FetchezLaVache · 07/11/2018 11:10

I am right in thinking there’s no way back from this aren’t I?

How could this possibly be in doubt for even a second? You've been together six months, it's still very much the honeymoon period, and you've already busted him for cheating TWICE.

This is who he is as a person. It's him, not you.

Why did you have such "high hopes for a proper relationship" with a fucking sleazeball who didn't even show any interest in you as a person? You need to work on that self-esteem, OP.

tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 11:10

Part ways. Not worth going further when you already know you can't trust what he tells you.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 07/11/2018 11:10

If you feel that he might ring/turn up at some point, I'd send a message. But I wouldn't open a conversation.
I'd simply say that you are aware his Tinder profile says he isn't seeing anyone... he isn't now! And walk away.
Of course you will be hurting, because you were invested. It won't change him to let him know how hurt you feel.

Henryismyfriend · 07/11/2018 11:10

This is going to sound harsh, but from the way you've talked about yourself, don't confront him. It will give him a chance to lie and squirm and say all the right things which will be total bollocks and make you doubt yourself and second guess your decision. People like this have a script, they more or less stick to the same script with each woman. And he will want to explain, apologise, do anything because it's you he really wants, but in reality he'll be desperate to be back in control, and if you fuck him off without giving him the chance to explain, you've removed that control from him, removed the challenge of winning you back with another pack of lies.
I really feel for you, I've been there, and wish I'd not been fooled into believing him over and over because when I finally faced the truth, realising I'd been duped over and over, when I'd had the chance to get out so much earlier, was soul destroying.
Please don't confront as such, say your piece in a message, state you're not interested in explanations, and then block, cut all ties and look forward.
It won't be easy but you'll get there, many of us have

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