AIBU not to be more cross with DD?

[shallichangemyname]

DSis and I have always had a fractious relationship. She is a stroppy sort (to put it mildly).
I have 4 DCs. She has 1 DD, who is same age as my DTs. DN has always been a very difficult child. DSis doesn't handle it well and none of us ever want to challenge her or even try to broach it. DN lies to get my DCs in trouble, has terrible tantrums (even at 13), singles out DS2 for nasty treatment (in the form of continual nasty comments - eg whenever he speaks she'll say "nobody's interested in anything you have to say") and always has to have her own way. She has terrible social skills which are not helped by DSis's approach to parenting. I encourage my DCs to make allowances and to be fair they are very good but they find her visits hard.
Unknown to me or my DCs DN has been having difficulties at school which DSis thinks is bullying and they have changed her school. Having g had no discussion at all I have no idea what form this bullying has taken and I also have no idea how much of it is true (there's a fine line between being bullied and just not being popular and having a few spats with your classmates).

St the weekend DN (who lives 4 hours away) joined my DD into a group Instagram chat between her and the alleged bullies. My DD knew nothing about it and doesn't know any of these people and had no idea why she was joined to the chat.
DN left the chat.
My DD asked what it was all about and when told rather meanly said "I don't like her much tbh".
First I hear of all this is last night when DSis sends me a screenshot then phones me to tell me about the bullying, how DN had wanted support, how upset she was by the comment (which someone screenshot and sent to her), how my DD should have backed her up etc. I asked why my DD had been joined to a chat where she knew none of the others or what the background was and this didn't seem right to me. DSis started ranting so I hung up. I sent her a nice message to say I couldn't speak to her if she was going to shout and that I still didn't understand why DD had been dragged into it. She messaged me back to say DD was a "little cow" and took after me because I "don't give a shit".
DF returned from an evening at the fireworks. She was feeling a bit guilty and had already messaged DN to apologise but was just totally bewildered by being joined to the chat, with no forewarning.
Sorry for the rant. AIBU in not being really cross with DD? She understands she was wrong but I think DN was wrong to involve her. What do I do re my DSis?

*DD returned from the fireworks

I can see why she doesnt like her cousin much. It all sounds bizarre to be honest.

so what exactly did your dd say? The question she asked to me sounds a bit like shitstirrinj

DSis brings her down to visit quite often. She is an only child and it's important to DSis that the cousins are close. I've really tried. But yes it's difficult and I often feel my DCs deserve a medal. DSis has no idea and none of us (DM included) feel able to be honest.
It's very stressful.
Did my DD behave really badly? I'm not sure how clouded my judgment is because of how difficult I sometimes find DN's behaviour.

Storm in a teacup. DD dragged into something she had no involvement with, and made an off the cuff remark that DN didn't like (yawn).

"Aha she left tbh I do t like her"
Very disloyal
But she's been dragged into it without knowing why or what was going on

In her defence she had already apologised before I was able to raise it with her last night and. Learnt felt guilty.

it sounds as though you and your family have been disbelieving of the bullying, so when the bullies joined the DN into a group chat, she pulled your DD in so you could see for yourselves

..and your DN bullyin your DS2 is the classic bullied becomes the bully scenario

Whilst what DD said was a bit indiscreet/ill-advised, it was quite understandable. It was an odd situation, and I am suspicious of the joining her into it, and the screen-shot incident. Sounds like she might have been set up to fall into the trap of making the comment. I think, other than a conversation about it being ill-advised, and discretion being a better idea in this case, you should leave it. I would also limit visits, as its not fair on your family.

It's the first I have heard of the bullying. So whilst I may be on the fence until I know more, DN and DSis wouldn't have known that.

I'd use this as a reason to be honest with your sister and explain why none of your children like her daughter/your niece. Accept that what your daughter said wasn't very nice and especially to people she doesn't know, however, she was added in to a conversation to try and "back up" her cousin, who treats her awfully so truth hurts! Be the bigger people and get your daughter to apologise for saying what she did but don't be undermined or made to feel bad. Maybe it could just be the case of: your children think she's horrid, these people from school think she's horrid and actually you've all just been a good judge of character. It isn't your daughters responsibility to deal with "bullies"(even though they may not even be bullies).. tell your sister to sort these people out herself and not to involve your daughter

DD didn't know either
I've read the whole chat. It wasn't that bad. It was my DN on the attack, the comments from the other children weren't particularly mean (more defensive) and then she started joining her friends into it (who are classmates so know the background), then my DD was joined.
DSis has now blocked me. I suspect family Xmas is cancelled.

Stop forcing your children to be around your sister's daughter. They are not close and never will be, for good reason. Perhaps it's time to go very, very low contact with your sister. The whole situation sounds untenable.

Sounds like your sister succumbs to/believes everything her daughter says and does, and she can do no wrong in her eyes. I'd leave it, your daughter was simply being honest, if she unblocks you then explain this. If not, don't reach out

DD shouldn't have said she didn't like her cousin to a load of people she didn't know, and I can see why your sister feels very upset about this. However, it was silly of DN to add DD to the group in the first place (and then leave it herself). But still - your DD is in the wrong here.

It all sounds like teen drama, and I would say you and your sister should try not to get too involved, but if these other girls have been bullying your DN then that puts a different slant on it and I can see why your sister is involved.

She's not required to like her cousin, it's also fairly clear that you already know this. Your niece is nasty to your children, your ds especially and by your own admission her poor (bullying) behaviour isn't challenged.

I think you can count yourself lucky that:

1. All your DD said is that she doesn't like her cousin much
2. Her cousin is the only person she's said that about with regard to the matter
3. None of your dc has seriously kicked off over being expected to endure this person regularly

Why are you allowing this girl to bully your dc without challenge? To me, it seems as though 'make allowances' has become 'be your cousin's doormat'. If this girl wasn't their cousin, would you expect them to 'make allowances' and spend lots of time with her?

Family Christmas is cancelled, shallichange? Well, some good has come of it then? But seriously, you or DH should have a chat with Dsis, because DN is going to have a hard life unless she learns how to behave. Maybe she's spoilt because she's an only-lonely!?

Your DC should not be making allowances for their cousin's bad behaviour. If my niece told my child "Nobody's interested in anything you have to say", I would tell them in no uncertain terms that it's not an acceptable way to speak to anyone and it will not be tolerated. You are your children's protector. (I'm imagining you take a lot of shit from your sister too, and that it has simply been passed on to another generation?)

Tell your sister that your DN is mean to your DC and that it's not on.

I had my cousin and her husband move in next to me. I didn't particularly like them and the phrase "just because we have a set of mutual grandparents, doesn't mean we have to socialise" was uttered more than once.

I'd be defending your daughter by saying much the same to her.

Single, it's a mixture. I think she suffers from being the only child and having parents who see no wrong. My Dsis was herself a difficult teenager and my parents didn't really challenge her much so this is history repeating. I have never raised the issue because I know she won't listen. DM has also tried.
We put up with it because we want the DCs to know each other but all of us (DOs included) find it a bit of an endurance test.
I work so when she visits DCs go up to my DM's to be with DN/DSis. DM andy ain't report the mean behaviour towards DS2, I see it myself and the children talk about it. My DSis ignores it. DS2 has mild aspergers which makes it all the worse.

Seems to me a good opportunity to point out to your sister that when her daughter bullies her cousins, it's hardly surprising that they don't like her much.

Knowing her cousin as she does, the sensible thing for your DD to do would have been to leave the chat as soon as she was joined and not have engaged at all.

But in fairness, at 13, i probably wouldn't have had that much sense.

I agree with the PP who said she was set up to fail by her cousin. And frankly, you, your Mum and the rest of the family need to either Have a Word or reduce contact. And certainly stop putting your children through it. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to play nicely with them.

Cross-posted with you. I'm not one to dive it and tell OPs off, even in AIBU but honestly OP, having grown up in a family with an extremely difficult member, with whom most of us are now NC, you need to stop history repeating itself in YOUR family and stop encouraging a relationship within someone who is bullying your children!

If this child, and your sister are being nasty, tell them to get stuffed! Your sister called your CHILD a "little cow" and her child is bullying your son who has SN! For goodness sake! This is NOT ok.

Take a step back from all the drama. Your sister has blocked you, so just leave it there. Let her do the running - just enjoy the peace. Don’t try to force a relationship between your children and your niece any more - it shouldn’t be an ‘endurance test’.

Sorry for the typos. Meant to say DM and my aunt report it to me.