AIBU not to be more cross with DD?

[shallichangemyname]

DSis and I have always had a fractious relationship. She is a stroppy sort (to put it mildly).
I have 4 DCs. She has 1 DD, who is same age as my DTs. DN has always been a very difficult child. DSis doesn't handle it well and none of us ever want to challenge her or even try to broach it. DN lies to get my DCs in trouble, has terrible tantrums (even at 13), singles out DS2 for nasty treatment (in the form of continual nasty comments - eg whenever he speaks she'll say "nobody's interested in anything you have to say") and always has to have her own way. She has terrible social skills which are not helped by DSis's approach to parenting. I encourage my DCs to make allowances and to be fair they are very good but they find her visits hard.
Unknown to me or my DCs DN has been having difficulties at school which DSis thinks is bullying and they have changed her school. Having g had no discussion at all I have no idea what form this bullying has taken and I also have no idea how much of it is true (there's a fine line between being bullied and just not being popular and having a few spats with your classmates).

St the weekend DN (who lives 4 hours away) joined my DD into a group Instagram chat between her and the alleged bullies. My DD knew nothing about it and doesn't know any of these people and had no idea why she was joined to the chat.
DN left the chat.
My DD asked what it was all about and when told rather meanly said "I don't like her much tbh".
First I hear of all this is last night when DSis sends me a screenshot then phones me to tell me about the bullying, how DN had wanted support, how upset she was by the comment (which someone screenshot and sent to her), how my DD should have backed her up etc. I asked why my DD had been joined to a chat where she knew none of the others or what the background was and this didn't seem right to me. DSis started ranting so I hung up. I sent her a nice message to say I couldn't speak to her if she was going to shout and that I still didn't understand why DD had been dragged into it. She messaged me back to say DD was a "little cow" and took after me because I "don't give a shit".
DF returned from an evening at the fireworks. She was feeling a bit guilty and had already messaged DN to apologise but was just totally bewildered by being joined to the chat, with no forewarning.
Sorry for the rant. AIBU in not being really cross with DD? She understands she was wrong but I think DN was wrong to involve her. What do I do re my DSis?

I also can’t see why at 13 they are been asked to put up with this behaviour .

It is allowing your children to be victims of her behaviour.

My Ds is an only child slightly younger but isn’t allowed to behave this way.

That sounds difficult but no I wouldn’t be that angry really as DD has only said what she feels. She has unfortunately had a lesson in what can happen online if you aren’t careful though - ie nothing is private, anything can be shared and used against you.

Sounds like the bullying is nasty as they have obviously jumped gleefully on what your DD said and used it to upset DN. So I do feel for her too. But all your DD did was tell the truth while being a bit dense about who she said it to.

I agree about not forcing your kids to spend time with her. I made that mistake too long with the DD of a close friend of mine, it got ugly and I deeply regret not stepping in sooner. It has done untold damage.

I would not put my children through this and would not be letting the visiting/bullying of any of my children from the DN continue. Time to put some distance between your sister and the DN. I don't blame your DD, she is 13 and was dragged into something she knew nothing about and apologised to the DN without prompting. And no-one who called my DD a "little cow" in those circumstances would be setting foot in my house again without an apology to me and my DD. Christmas cancelled - Result - you and your DC can have a lovely family christmas without any toxic relations.

Your niece was wrong to involve your daughter in a shit stirring. This could have ended badly on your daughter, as the people niece was attacking may have retaliated by being mean to your daughter! Your daughter probably saw how mean her comments were, attacking others in the group. You daughter did the right thing, stating "I don't like her". She distanced herself from the niece and whole situation by stating that. Sounds like your niece can do no wrong in your sisters eyes. I would avoid contact until it all blows over. Your daughter did nothing wrong.

It sounds like Christmas being cancelled is a blessing in disguise. I expect your children will feel far better just them without all the drama and sniping.

I got a bit lost in all your posts. Did your dd say she doesn’t like her cousin to a bunch of strangers on Instagram? If she did that’s really unkind. However perhaps you can finally get to grips with how shitty your children are feeling about the status quo. They are being forced to spend time with people, who are horrid to them.

You talk a lot about involving your niece and understanding. But your children need this understanding as well. They need to learn they cannot be walked all over time and time again for the sake of family relations. They need boundaries.

As I say, blessing in disguise. Your sister has done something, you’ve been too nice to do for years.

Your DN sounds like a bully

Yes EK36 that's exactly what my reaction was at first. DD could then have become an easy target.

Sorry for confusing posts. Yes, DD was mean about DN after she was dragged by her into an online dispute with people she didn't know, concerning a situation she knew nothing about. They are 13.
DD did however apologise spontaneously and it's been a good lesson for her.

My DSis thinks my DD has behaved appallingly. I think she's learned her lesson.
YY my DSis is out of order calling my DD a little cow. And YY Christmas will be more peaceful without their drama.
But I feel sorry for DN in spite of everything, my DCs are the closest she has to siblings although she doesn't behave well. I've always taken the approach that it teaches my DCs tolerance and to bite their tongues. But it's also teaching them to be doormats. Of course they also see the way DSis sometimes talks to me.
Anyway since she has blocked me it's NC without me having to impose it. Win win.

Will your sister attempt to make your mum take sides? Otherwise, it does seem like a win/win situation.

Your original AIBU, AIBU not to be more cross with DD, no, YABU at all, she did almost nothing for a 13 year old in a difficult situation and she's apologised spontaneously. Sounds like you've brought her up really well. Your sis sounds very difficult and I can see why you are torn and wanting to help DN rather than join in the free-for-all but you can only go so far with nice and it looks like you've gone far enough.

Enjoy the peace and quiet would be my advice.

Sorry that YABU should be YANBU.

Mum agrees wholeheartedly with me. But doesn't want conflict. She persuaded me not to send back a confrontational message last night pointing out that a mature, well-educated 52 year old should not be calling her 13 yo DN (my DD) a "little cow".
She will almost be relieved about Christmas, whilst also disappointed.

Wtf does DT mean 

I’m clearly in the minority here but regardless of what your DN is lijwvor has done, I think your DD telling a group of strangers, who all know your DN, she didn’t like her cousin was a snide and shitty thing to do. She may have been dragged in, but she wasn’t forced to comment, especially since your DN had already left the chat. It’s unnecessary, cowardly and bitchy and I’d be v cross if my DD did that.

“liljwor” should be “like, or”

ownitfixit - DT usually refers to dear/darling twins.

Ringbinder I agree it was wrong. We've had a chat about it. She knows and is sorry (and sent the apology before I raised it). My AIBU was whether I should be crosser with her or whether it was enough now with all the surrounding circumstances.

I don't think that you should be more cross with her.

Yes, she shouldn't have said this but it also sounds like DN was being mean to others in the first place.

She might have done you a favour. A nice peaceful Christmas, your sister can back off a bit and your children won't be bullied by their cousin. Sounds win win to me.

Well to directly answer your AIBU in case it wasn’t obvious in my reply, I think YABU and should be more angry with her. It’s an indication of how she speaks about a family member ‘behind their back’ and because of that suggests she was being honest. I wouldn’t be surprised if your DSis and DN don’t want to see you at Christmas time.

@Ringbinger the OP's sister called a 13 year old girl a cow behind her back - she just as bad?

Sorry, just seen it's the niece who is 13, however OP's sister did still call a young girl a little cow and she's not getting any abuse for that.

Do yourself and your dc a favour and try to distance yourselves, I appreciate it’s hard with social media. You and your dc sound balanced whereas they do not, you don’t need the grief

It’s hardly behind her back when it was said to her mother I don’t think that’s acceptable but I don’t think the DSis’s or DN’s behaviour is relevant here when it comes to the specific matter of whether the OP should be crosser with her DD. Yes the DN shouldn’t have been causing trouble and tagging her in, but I think it’s quite relevant that the DD only made this comment once she’d seen the DN wasn’t on the chat. i.e. at a time when she had the perfect defence of not having to say or do anything.

but I think it’s quite relevant that the DD only made this comment once she’d seen the DN wasn’t on the chat.

So do I, but I think it's more relevant in the context that the DD has been raised to be 'tolerant' and 'bite her tongue' in the face of systemic bullying. I doubt she would have dared say anything 'in front of' her cousin, it's fairly clear to me that she would have no expectation of being supported had she openly challenged her behaviour in any way (OP has said it was her DN on the attack with others being defensive).

Should she have done it? No, she shouldn't. Should she have been supported, protected and empowered so that she knew how to manage her cousin more appropriately? Without a doubt. OP's DD knows she messed up and apologised without prompting...which shows a great deal more maturity than her aunt has displayed.

I don't know why the DD didn't just leave the chat.

she didn't need to stay, wait til cousin was gone and bitch about her to people who are strangers to her.