‘But I don’t UNDERSTAND!’

[CoughLaughFart]

I’ve noticed this time and time again on AIBU. Posts where the OP doesn’t have any kind of issue or dilemma - they just ‘don’t understand’ how people can: not drive/want to live in London/NOT want to live in London/enjoy reality TV/go out without their spouse/only want one child/not move to a bigger or smaller house’, ad infinitum. Why this desperate need to understand? Why are some people incapable of accepting that not everyone wants to live their life in the same way? Why this need to endlessly dissect so that they can understand?

The latest one is from someone who simply can’t get why not everyone dreams of owning their own home. I know some people will tell me that questions like this is what AIBU is all about. But to me, there’s a very big difference between a clear real-life issue (‘My partner and I have very different views on topic X and it’s causing trouble’) and endless speculation over the actions and opinions of perfect strangers. It’s as if they simply can’t handle a difference way of thinking or doing things; maybe because it gives them the horrible feeling that the way/view they were 100% convinced was right might possibly not be. These people claim to be desperate to understand, but isn’t what they really want for everyone else to agree that they’re getting it right and that people who don’t drive/ don’t own a house/are happily single and not looking and are all a little bit weird? I don’t think these people want to understand at all - they want validation. But by saying they want to understand, they can paint themselves as open-minded.

Disclaimer: Yes, I am fully aware that within a few replies, some smart Alec will have said ‘Why do you need to understand that people want to understand?’, probably accompanied by this face.

Yanbu

I can only presume their theory of mind isn't too great, and that this distresses them for some reason. I find sport incomprehensible, but as I've observed people enjoying it, I'm happy for them. It would be a funny old world if we were all alike, although not very if we were all like me.

There was a marvellous one a while ago where a poster said that she “just didn’t get Boden”.

They don't mean that they don't understand. They're just say it because it sounds better than saying I look down on people who do x y or z

YANBU. I find it odd too. Some people just can’t comprehend that other people are different to them!
There are lots of things that other people do/want/enjoy that I have no interest in. I have no need to understand it, I just accept that we’re all different.

Yes I was thinking of starting a thread about what MNers don’t seem to ‘understand’.

Halloween
Women wanting to be proposed to in this day and age
Why you wouldn’t just cook in bulk on a Sunday
Why you wouldn’t just find a second job

So on and so forth.

They don't mean that they don't understand. They're just say it because it sounds better than saying I look down on people who do x y or z

Yep. I remember one from a few years ago by a poster who started a thread because simply couldn’t understand why some people let their children eat at McDonalds. They weren’t interested in the many reasonable responses about it being a cheap, convenient, occasional treat, and might as well have just posted “I’m a better parent than most people” and left it at that.

I assume they're the type of people who've grown up in a very sheltered environment, not been exposed to different social classes, cultural groups, etc.

Or, as a PP said, they think it's a slightly more acceptable way to say, "I look down on these people, because..."

I don't like Boden. I think it's frumpy, and I would rather spend money on clothes which have clean lines, elegant cuts and no more than two colours in an ensemble. IN MY OPINION. But I understand why lots of women find the clothing very attractive, as they will prefer those cuts and patterns. It's not hard, is it?!

But that house buying thread is about a personal dilemma, she's had been saving with her DP to buy a house for a number of years, he now says he doesn't want to buy, she doesn't understand his stance as they can afford to, so is looking for other people with similar views to him to try and understand why he feels that way, as he's not being clear about it and it had never occurred to her that if you could you wouldn't (stability in retirement, growing asset etc), she understands some people can't afford to.
At least read a thread before you complain about it.

They're just say it because it sounds better than saying I look down on people who do x y or z

^^ This a thousand times over. And their perception of x y or z is usually way off the reality too.

eg AIBU to not understand why anyone would go on a package holiday?

They would then witter on about overweight tattooed Brits drinking gallons of beer with English Breakfast or beige and chips in a high rise Benidorm hotel that they never leave.

It's almost like the last 20 years of the internet and low cost airlines has passed them by completely so they have no idea that a package holiday is not always like they imagine and is just a way of booking a flight, transfer and accommodation all in one go and can be in exactly the same accommodation, reached by the same flights as their carefully curated ‘we did it all ourselves online direct with the suppliers don’t ya know’ independently booked holiday –that probably cost more than if they just booked it with jet2holidays etc--.

YANBU. I think it is a dishonest way of asserting superiority.

I think seeing to understand others can only be a good thing!

*SEEKING ffs

My DM pretends to be utterly baffled by something when she disagrees with it and wants to communicate that this is something so stupid as to be beyond all understanding. I find the best way to respond is to be sympathetic that she's struggling so much to comprehend it. Never ever play into her hands by explaining.

YANBU.

Adults who are unable to accept that people have different personalities, lives and preferences and that other people make different choices that work for them are quite boring.

It is judgement usually isn't it?

I really don't get why you wouldn't wait till birth to find out the sex. Can't understand why anybody wouldn't want that truly magical moment [smugsmugsmug]

I assume these are the same people who call troll/ disbelieve posters because something in the posters life works differently to their own. I've seen people refuse to believe someones DH is uncontactable while at work or that you can be locked in the house because their door can be unlocked from inside without a key or that some toddlers eat veg or some babies sleep well. All of the above are lies because that's not their experience. Some peoples views are very narrow!

Yesterday someone couldn’t understand why I, single mother was struggling to pay almost 50% of my salary on rent. Their partner earns a lot more than I do and wouldn’t pay that much rent. Go find something cheaper. Perhaps move miles away from where I was born/kids are at school etc. I can’t understand why they can’t understand

Here’s a corker, my mum recently said she just couldn’t understand why my dad can’t remember to NOT chew his diabetes pill every morning- it drives her nuts. He has dementia. I replied that i couldn’t understand why she couldn’t understand this.

It was a bit of a confusing conversation.

Adults who are unable to accept that people have different personalities, lives and preferences and that other people make different choices that work for them are quite boring.

I think it's just another aspect of the selfish/me culture we're suffering today. People don't seem to have empathy anymore and just can't see another persons' point of view.

It's judgement, loosely disguised as fake thickery.

I can't stand Sushi for example, but I understand that other people do.

To be fair, I read that thread and the OP didn't seem to say she didn't understand, just that she presumed most people wanted to buy their own house. There's a difference.

Most people I know do own their own house or would like to one day. I was surprised at the amount of people saying they didn't want to or that they did and it was terrible. Everyone I know just lives their life, paying their mortgage is just part of their life.

I love SachaStark's post, cheered me up before going to the dentist.

I saw a great quote that said “ I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you”, which stands me in great stead when trying to get my point across to someone being deliberately obtuse (I’m looking at you Mum).

Usually when someone “just can’t understand” something it’s because they have a hidden agenda, or are making incorrect assumptions and agreeing with you goes against whatever they have already decided, they may not even be aware of it themselves.

I find that repeating “I can explain it to you...” in my head helps to remind me that it’s them, not me.

I sometimes struggle to understand wilful ignorance - people who have access to all the relevant information but persist in making a stupid choice.