‘But I don’t UNDERSTAND!’

[CoughLaughFart]

I’ve noticed this time and time again on AIBU. Posts where the OP doesn’t have any kind of issue or dilemma - they just ‘don’t understand’ how people can: not drive/want to live in London/NOT want to live in London/enjoy reality TV/go out without their spouse/only want one child/not move to a bigger or smaller house’, ad infinitum. Why this desperate need to understand? Why are some people incapable of accepting that not everyone wants to live their life in the same way? Why this need to endlessly dissect so that they can understand?

The latest one is from someone who simply can’t get why not everyone dreams of owning their own home. I know some people will tell me that questions like this is what AIBU is all about. But to me, there’s a very big difference between a clear real-life issue (‘My partner and I have very different views on topic X and it’s causing trouble’) and endless speculation over the actions and opinions of perfect strangers. It’s as if they simply can’t handle a difference way of thinking or doing things; maybe because it gives them the horrible feeling that the way/view they were 100% convinced was right might possibly not be. These people claim to be desperate to understand, but isn’t what they really want for everyone else to agree that they’re getting it right and that people who don’t drive/ don’t own a house/are happily single and not looking and are all a little bit weird? I don’t think these people want to understand at all - they want validation. But by saying they want to understand, they can paint themselves as open-minded.

Disclaimer: Yes, I am fully aware that within a few replies, some smart Alec will have said ‘Why do you need to understand that people want to understand?’, probably accompanied by this face.

I agree it’s a way of saying ‘I don’t approve of your choice and my way of thinking is superior’ without actually sayIng those words.

If it was down to a sheltered life and a not particularly high IQ I’d be a prime candidate for ‘not understanding’ that everyone has different likes, dislikes, viewpoints, aspirations and attitudes, yet it seems a such a simple thing to get my head round. There’s a lot of this ‘don’t understand’ on MN and it really irritates me.

It's just because people have nothing better to do than think of odd, random things to argue about with strangers!

I totally agree. Also why would anybody care that you don't understand? Unless you're trying to enlighten yourself (and you never are).

yanbu.
I don't see the point of stating a thread to ask "Am I the only one who doesn't like Halloween?Pandora jewellery/spa days etc?"
If you don't like something, why waste your time starting threads about it?

I'm with rupertina I find it interesting to find out other views and perspectives, but for some people yes it is a way to hide their judgement of others choices or behaviours.

Ah now this is one of my favourite things about Mumsnet!

It’s so easy to live in an echo chamber if your friends mainly have similar outlooks to you. MN has so many posters, with such a wide variety of backgrounds, that those sorts of threads always come up with perspectives I wouldn’t necessarily have thought of. It’s a learning experience to read them, even if the OP remains unconvinced.

halcyon

Threads like that, it is obvious that the OP is expecting loads of people to agree with them, because it's always something that there's a consensus on here about, like Pandora, or spa days.

Tis funny when the first few posters are on to them and the thread doesn't go that way.

hal they start them to find other people who have similar opinions and then judge how universal said opinion is dependant upon the reactions from posters

"Adults who are unable to accept that people have different personalities, lives and preferences and that other people make different choices that work for them are quite boring."

They can also make poor Parents, whose children leave and never look back.

MatildaTheCat, perhaps there's a level of denial going on.

Perfectly1mperfect, I suppose if you mix in limited circles, then your experience stays small.

My Sister proclaimers that she makes friends wherever she goes. But they are always in the same income group and fit a certain criteria. I've been out with her and she quickly reje ts people who don't fit her tick list. She is nowhere near the person that she has convinced herself she is.

"I don't understand" is a way of hiding the posters judgemental and smug real thoughts. Some go as far as convincing themselves that they're not the person that they are.

It's a passive-aggressive way of saying "I actively disapprove of your choices and if I ruled the world you wouldn't be allowed to make them". But where would the fun be in that - they wouldn't have anyone to look down on, tut at / about. As others have said, many posters on MN have an eyebrow-raisingly narrow view of the world, to the point where I sometimes wonder if some of them have ever been beyond their own garden gate, literally or metaphorically.

I don't understand this thread. Sorry. I just don't.

I only read the first couple of pages of that thread you mention but to me, it read genuinely as 'I have been brought up to believe x, my husband doesn't, I'm genuinely interested in discussing the reasons other people have for sharing my husbands pov'

That's good in my opinion, healthy in fact. An anonymous internet forum gives a way to discuss with people with different POVs without personal relationships getting in the way.

It's like the 'people who are always late, please explain your thinking' thread that is healthier than screaming your frustration out at your friend or loved one.

But that house buying thread is about a personal dilemma, she's had been saving with her DP to buy a house for a number of years, he now says he doesn't want to buy, she doesn't understand his stance as they can afford to, so is looking for other people with similar views to him to try and understand why he feels that way, as he's not being clear about it and it had never occurred to her that if you could you wouldn't (stability in retirement, growing asset etc), she understands some people can't afford to.
At least read a thread before you complain about it.

But, leaving aside that this isn’t a TAAT and that that was only one example, she makes none of that clear in her opening post. I’ve looked at the thread again and it appears as a massive drip feed halfway down the page. Her original post - which is what makes most readers on any thread decide whether to read on or not - was very much of the ‘why would anyone not want this?’ ilk. I don’t think that I or anyone else should be expected to read every single thread in full just in case the OP suddenly reveals crucial details in a later post.

It's a judgment statement wrapped up in false ignorance unless they really are that narrow minded that someone else could think differently to them.

I suppose the poster’s intentions are made clear by their reaction to the responses. If they genuinely take on board and learn from the answers that challenge their assumptions then great. If every explanation is met with a “but that’s not how I think / do things” then it’s more likely that they’re just trying to draw attention to the perceived superiority of their choices.

I agree with the OP about the owning property thread. It would have been much better for the OP in that case to have mentioned the conflict with her DP from the start.

Birdsgottafly

Lol. I wouldn't say I mix in small circles but whatever. The people I am talking about range from low income to fairly high income. some travel extensively, some have never been out of the U.K., most have kids, some don't, most are married or with a long term partner but some are single. But they all either own or would like to own a property. That's just my experience.

I don't judge anyone for owning or renting, it's not my business. But to me IF you can afford the deposit and IF you will be paying the same amount or less for a mortgage as renting then I personally think it makes sense to buy as one day the mortgage will end.

I lived in a council house growing up. My parents wanted to own their own house, they just couldn't afford it. They did buy it a few years ago though.

Fussy eater threads are the worst. So many posters who simply cannot understand that some people don't share their taste in food.

It's just a way of sneering at others and wrapping themselves in their smug superiority.

Also widely used to ingratiate themselves with those they deem the 'cool' ones or the 'in' crowd on MN.

But to me IF you can afford the deposit and IF you will be paying the same amount or less for a mortgage as renting then I personally think it makes sense to buy as one day the mortgage will end

Also have to consider whether you will want/need to move in the next few years, and also what would happen if interest rates rose. It's a lot easier to move between rental properties than owned ones that you have to buy and sell, especially in economic downturns.

Would mortgages still be cheaper than renting if interest rates rose? Is this still the case in high cost areas? What about the cost of stamp duty? Owner occupiers have to pay for repairs and maintenance. Have you factored that into the equation?

I agree that owning will probably make sense for many, but it won’t always be the case.

I also think that the insecurity of the private rental market in the UK, along with lack of rights for tenants (can’t decorate, have pets etc) is a huge contributor to it's popularity and may rush people into buying when it isn't always the best choice, especially given how inefficient our buying and selling process is (especially in England and Wales).

You don’t have to read every thread in full but I think it’s usually worth skimming through the OP’s posts. Have you got your settings so they are highlighted?

It's a way of denigrating others less fortunate, accompanied by stealth boasting.
A lot of people are highly intolerant which they cover up in 'real life'. Online they can state prejudices with apparent impunity.

BarbaraofSevillle

I would still buy if I was thinking of moving 'in a few years'. And I do think most people generally settle in an area eventually. I know people who have moved from one city to another but I don't think there are many that are doing it every few years.

Mortgages are definitely cheaper than renting where I live. I've had a mortgage for 16 ish years and that's always been the case.

As for stamp duty and repairs/maintenance, obviously when you are working out your budget these should be taken into account along with other costs/bills/debt. Our mortgage advisor spoke to us about all of these things. We were very aware not to mortgage ourselves up to the point we couldn't afford to live as well.

As I said, people can do what they want, obviously. But in the thread being talked about, I understand why the OP was confused by her partner not wanting to buy. She thought that was the plan, they both had jobs, we're saving etc.

The best ones are the "front door lock" ones where people profess to have never been in any building, ever, which doesn't have a Yale style lock which closes automatically behind you. They can't understand the idea of turning a key in the lock to secure a door.

The crux is if people want to understand why people have different preferences/ make different decisions or if it is just a way of validating their own "correct" way of living.

I'll raise my eyebrow at posters that can't seem to understand when things are genuinely beyond the OP's influence and repeatedly make inappropriate suggestions e.g. sharing bedrooms dilemma "why did you have another child" (contraceptive failure, and far too bloody late to send a toddler back anyway) extend the house (rented) move to a bigger property (top of budget already, location affected by school/ work) etc. Some posters really can't seem to comprehend that many people have much more restricted options avaliable.

Seeing the way that people do things differently (even if I don't really "get it") is one of the things I find fascinating about MN. Some people do go through life with a very localised and narrow range of experiences and never notice because it never comes to their attention.

I’m Reminded of the thread about clothes washing. Posters who said they all did their washing together as a family with the dc helping just couldn’t understand how other people got their dc to do their own washing. Pages of the separate washers explaining how it worked for them and pages of whole family washers arguing why this was ridiculous and just couldn’t understand the other side. Was quite an amusing thread that eventually ended with whole family washers talking amongst themselves and patting each other on the back.