‘But I don’t UNDERSTAND!’

[CoughLaughFart]

I’ve noticed this time and time again on AIBU. Posts where the OP doesn’t have any kind of issue or dilemma - they just ‘don’t understand’ how people can: not drive/want to live in London/NOT want to live in London/enjoy reality TV/go out without their spouse/only want one child/not move to a bigger or smaller house’, ad infinitum. Why this desperate need to understand? Why are some people incapable of accepting that not everyone wants to live their life in the same way? Why this need to endlessly dissect so that they can understand?

The latest one is from someone who simply can’t get why not everyone dreams of owning their own home. I know some people will tell me that questions like this is what AIBU is all about. But to me, there’s a very big difference between a clear real-life issue (‘My partner and I have very different views on topic X and it’s causing trouble’) and endless speculation over the actions and opinions of perfect strangers. It’s as if they simply can’t handle a difference way of thinking or doing things; maybe because it gives them the horrible feeling that the way/view they were 100% convinced was right might possibly not be. These people claim to be desperate to understand, but isn’t what they really want for everyone else to agree that they’re getting it right and that people who don’t drive/ don’t own a house/are happily single and not looking and are all a little bit weird? I don’t think these people want to understand at all - they want validation. But by saying they want to understand, they can paint themselves as open-minded.

Disclaimer: Yes, I am fully aware that within a few replies, some smart Alec will have said ‘Why do you need to understand that people want to understand?’, probably accompanied by this face.

YANBU. It's sneery judgemental bollocks, or the person is just VERY VERY thick.

The passport one a little while ago was a great illustration of this. OP's DH didn't have a passport and didn't need one for personal use, but the school he worked at wanted him to go abroad to help on a school trip.

OP was saying that they were having to watch the pennies very carefully and a passport would cost £75. Plenty of posters were saying that it would be worth having and it only works out at £7.50 a year and it's handy to have for ID purposes etc - and they couldn't understand why they wouldn't just go ahead and get one.

Indeed, you undeniably have more options if you have a passport than if you don't - but it's still not quite as handy a thing to have as food and clothes for your children.

You don’t have to read every thread in full but I think it’s usually worth skimming through the OP’s posts. Have you got your settings so they are highlighted?

I do have this, yes, but I also have an expectation that the OP will at least try to cover their main point in the opening post. I think that thread was an extreme case and it certainly wasn’t the only one I was thinking of when I started this thread.

What about me then? I’m a secret judger.I might walk past McDonald’s and think “ l can’t understand why anyone would want to eat there” but actually of course I could list several reasons and therefore would never say it out loud

I don't think people who claim lack of understanding about trivial matters do want to understand, they just want ot talk shit.

So they start threads, saying they don't understand, everyone comes on and says' that's bollocks' 400x over and then the OP eventually comes back and says 'but why don't people want to spend £600 on a babygro ?, Surely everyone wants the best for their bubs'
Or 'I don't understand why everyone doesn't eat oysters 24/7, I love them.'

It is as a PP has said lack of theory of mind, or rather total self absorption.

@SachaStark I admit to dabbling in Boden (rarely the prints) but where do you recommend for clean lines and elegant cuts?

(Goes back to missing point of thread)

My favourites are the threads that get wildly derailed by people 'not understanding' a part of the post despite the OP explaining it numerous times.

A good example was yesterday's thread about the woman who was told off by her colleague for being on her phone at work. About 90% of the people who replied could not get their heads around the fact that some people have more relaxed workplaces than others and that it might not be a capital offence to send a text at work.

I agree it's often a judgement dressed up as pretending to seek enlightenment, but can also be as a result of extreme small-mindedness and lack of empathy to others' situations.

My mother was more honest - anything that was outside of her experience she considered "weird" - she was still making a judgement but at least she wasn't pretending to seek enlightenment!
SHe was very self-absorbed and lacked true empathy for others, despite coming across as a compassionate person - it was all a bit technical, without any true feeling and she'd often say how "weird" others were in private.

My mother used to say this when it was something she didn't want to do, or get involved with.
As an example - she wouldn't have an automatic washing machine "because l don't understand them". She'd rather "rinse things through" in the sink, or let a neighbour do her washing. Before that she had a twin tub, and despite being a 'housewife' she used to leave the washing til the weekend so my dad could 'help' her with it. Even though he was at work all week and she wasn't.
l tried explaining that although l didn't understand the workings of the internal combustion engine, it didn't stop me driving the car. That fell on deaf ears.

l'm with @mostdays on this one. ln situations like this, my mother used it as a means of doing, or not doing things.

I think there are some things we will all truly find difficult to understand if we are honest and sometimes it's just you simply have a different personality or relationship than other people but it's hard not to think about a situation in terms of your own experiences...ya dig?

Boden = overpriced & frumptastic - but I like some of their shoes

oh a tangent, I don t understand electricity.
You can try to explain and i even have a strong science background but electricity..... e.... I understand electrons,covalent bonds fine..... but actually the idea of flip a switch and ta da lights fridges my brain cant quite get it an energy flowing through the walls makes my head hurt.. ,,magic makes more sense....
AND bumble bees.... how do they fly they are too heavy,,,,,,,,