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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lodger and one night stands

53 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 05/11/2018 21:17

This is totally not me being prudish.
I recently got a new lodger, she’s late 20s and married young and recently divorced.

She is absolutely lovely, pays rent on time, tidies after herself, and is generally a really nice person and I enjoy her company and we have become friends.

However she does go out a couple of nights a week and often brings a man she’s met on a night out home. I’d have no issue with overnight visitors at all, friends, a more regular partner but these are complete strangers to both her and me coming into my home, long after I’ve gone to bed makes me really uncomfortable.
AIBU to say no to it?

OP posts:
JeanPagett · 05/11/2018 21:23

I think in a situation where it's a lodger rather than a flatmate, you're perfectly entitled to set out "house rules" like that and I would share your concerns about random strangers in the house.

On the other hand, it seems a bit unfair to spring it on her now that she's moved in - she may not have taken the room had she known how you felt. Similarly, there's a part of me that would feel judgmental/prudish in saying regular partners are ok but ONSs aren't. A regular partner could still be a dodgy bastard.

Sorry, that's no help at all, I can see why you're asking!

ourkidmolly · 05/11/2018 21:24

Wouldn't be having that at all sorry. You're opening your home and safety to all kinds. Most will be fine but some definitely won't. Just tell her.

ImNotKitten · 05/11/2018 21:25

Yanbu. They’re strangers, they could be anyone. She’s putting herself and you at risk.

Gizzygizmo · 05/11/2018 21:27

YANBU... You don’t know these strangers, or their past.
It’s putting you and your home at risk and is completely unreasonable for her to think it’s okay to bring back random men.
I would definitely have a talk and lay down some house rules, it’s your home.

Witchesbritches · 05/11/2018 21:29

YANBU to say no to it, and she WBU to give you notice.

I wouldn’t like it in your shoes, equally I wouldn’t like it in hers. I’d respect that it’s YOUR home and YOU unhappy so I’d move somewhere it’s not an issue. I’d be disappointed if we’d got on so well otherwise, but there’s no reason we couldn’t still be friends

Kamma89 · 05/11/2018 21:34

YAB a bit U. You're not comfortable with it, tell her, but be prepared for her to look for somewhere else to live ASAP. If you have certain hangups and rules make them clear at the start so people can make informed decisions. If I was a lodger and my freedoms were limited I might accept the terms but offer you much less money.

ButchyRestingFace · 05/11/2018 21:34

Did you not establish an overnight visits policy before she moved in?

Anyway, I wouldn't like it either. Get her telt.

ladycarlotta · 05/11/2018 21:34

My mother had lodgers for years until quite recently (they were postgrad students via a university). She used guidelines supplied by the uni, and one of the ground rules was some kind of nominal fee for every night an extra person stayed in the room (I think it was £10), and a limit to how many nights a week additional people could sleep in the house.

It might be too late to instate this now, since she's been with you for a while, but worth introducing or considering for future lodgers? This is different from a house share situation: it's your home and she is using a room in it, I think it's fair to say that you don't feel comfortable having strangers come in, and if she wants to do this she'll have to go back to theirs in future.

Princessmushroom · 05/11/2018 21:38

But it’s not just your home, is it? She’s paying to be there.

I’m not saying I would put up with it but I also think you lose some privileges when you open up your home to make some extra money.

Original poster
lastqueenofscotland · 05/11/2018 21:39

I have always been happy with overnight visits, and probably wouldn’t mind if it was a one off but there is a complete stranger coming into my house 2/3 nights a week some weeks, usually in the small hours of the morning.
Makes me really uncomfortable

OP posts:
Original poster
lastqueenofscotland · 05/11/2018 21:39

And it’s not that it’s a stranger to me as her friends etc are, but that they are complete strangers to her too.

OP posts:
SingaporeSlinky · 05/11/2018 21:42

I don’t know how I’d have the conversation, but YANBU, I wouldn’t like a lodger having randoms stay over. Perfectly reasonable to say having strangers overnight makes you uncomfortable and given she’s just met them herself, they could steal anything, you might run into them in the morning having not even been introduced etc. As a PP said, perhaps different with an equal flatshare, but she’s a lodger.
Have the chat sooner rather than later.

gladstonefive · 05/11/2018 21:42

YANBU. I’m sure she would feel incredibly guilty if anything was to happen but at the end of the day it isn’t her home. It would be a lot easier for her to just move on if anything was to happen then it would for you.

I’d sit her down, explain you don’t want to judge but that your just not comfortable having strangers in your house and she needs to respect that

ButchyRestingFace · 05/11/2018 21:42

You aren't being remotely unreasonable, OP. Presumably you wouldn't leave your front door unlocked for any old stranger to wander in? So why should you be happy about lodger bringing strangers home?

birdladyfromhomealone · 05/11/2018 21:46

is she selling herself?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 05/11/2018 21:49

is she selling herself?

Jaysus, really?

ScottCheggJnr · 05/11/2018 21:50

I don't think YABU, but it also WBU for her to want to leave as having your landlady control your sex life isn't something most people would like.

ScottCheggJnr · 05/11/2018 21:51

I meant it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to want to leave.

Lethaldrizzle · 05/11/2018 21:54

Not wanting your lodger to invite randoms into your home is hardly trying to control their sex lifeHmm

OoMatron · 05/11/2018 21:55

Yanbu but how do you know they are ALL strangers? Two or three times a week to be sleeping with randoms seems a little extreme if I’m honest. I wonder if she has regular sex with friends or people she knows.

Dollymixture22 · 05/11/2018 22:01

It’s an awkward one. You aren’t being unreasonable and I would feel u comfortable too. I lived in shared houses at uni, and while there were occassionally blokes brought home by some of the girls, they were usually friends of friends that we at least knew and trusted to be in the house.

It is not at all a judgement of her choices, but it is a safety issue. I wouldn’t sleep well knowing some random was in my house. I would want a lock on my bedroom door - even incase he mistakes my room for the bathroom!!

Have a chat - you are both adults and I am sure she will understand we’re you are coming from. However, she may chose to move out if she doesn’t feel she can have another freedom. And while it’s a shame, that might be best.

SingaporeSlinky · 05/11/2018 22:08

You also definitely need to think about groundrules for future reference, with this or a future lodger. What if one of these randoms becomes a boyfriend, would you be ok with him sleeping in your house 2, 3, 6 nights a week? All covered by her lodger rent, using your bathroom, your kitchen, sitting in your lounge?

Maelstrop · 05/11/2018 22:10

I would not allow strangers in my home several times a week. I’m actually gobsmacked that you’ve been tolerating this. Fuck knows who these people are. I don’t give a damn about her morals, but this is your home and she’s fetching back god knows who.

CherryPavlova · 05/11/2018 22:12

I wouldn’t tolerate it but would have made that clear at outset.

Londongirl888 · 05/11/2018 22:12

OP it is not about being judgemental she is putting you both at risk. They may be fine but equally may not. She may be nice but it is cheeky to have strangers in your home and not cleared it with you. Why can't she stay at their place. You need to have a conversation soonest. I would not be surprised if she moves elsewhere to be completely independent.