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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lodger and one night stands

53 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 05/11/2018 21:17

This is totally not me being prudish.
I recently got a new lodger, she’s late 20s and married young and recently divorced.

She is absolutely lovely, pays rent on time, tidies after herself, and is generally a really nice person and I enjoy her company and we have become friends.

However she does go out a couple of nights a week and often brings a man she’s met on a night out home. I’d have no issue with overnight visitors at all, friends, a more regular partner but these are complete strangers to both her and me coming into my home, long after I’ve gone to bed makes me really uncomfortable.
AIBU to say no to it?

OP posts:

Rachelover40 · 05/11/2018 22:13

I can imagine how uncomfortable you must feel with your lodger's 'visitors'. Just thinking about a stranger walking past my bedroom during the night is freaky. Put a lock on your bedroom door.

I hope you don't share the bathroom.

Have a word with her about it, she's taking the proverbial. She wouldn't be doing that if she was living with her mum!

SabineUndine · 05/11/2018 22:13

YANBU, I used to live in a shared house where one of the housemates would bring a different guy back two or three nights a week, and it was pretty grim because you would get up to go to the loo in the morning and there might be some random bloke in there. I don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask her not to bring blokes back unless she's seeing one regularly. She may not like it, but presumably they live somewhere and she could go back to theirs.

gendercritter · 05/11/2018 22:19

To be blunt, lodgers have no rights so you get to set the rules. I'd be happy with a partner coming home but would absolutely say no to strangers for safety reasons. It's your home and you have a right to feel safe and comfortable.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/11/2018 22:19

There is no way I could stand this. A series of strange men in your house every week ? She could bring home someone dangerous, someone who steals, someone who decides to break in another time as they know the layout of the flat. She seems reckless with her own safety, but that is her choice , it isn’t yours though, so tell her no more.
Also if she is lovely etc, then can’t you ask her why she is being so careless ? It would worry me if a friend was doing this.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 05/11/2018 22:19

I really truly believe that a person sex life whatever it is or with as many people as they want is up to them!

In this circumstance though it's not about her sleeping with strangers (which is entirely her business) it's about her bringing strangers into the/your house and that's not ok!

londonrach · 05/11/2018 22:24

Too late now to lay down rules. Give her notice and start probably with next one re no over night guests. Yanbu. Its abit dangerous for both of you

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 05/11/2018 22:36

YANBU. You're so vulnerable in bed asleep and having strangers in your home. No way is it ok for her to put you in this situation. Do you have kids asleep in the house?

Either way, you need to tell her it stops now.

homeishere · 05/11/2018 22:37

Just tell her to knock it off or clear out. Ta your home, she’s sleeping in one of the bedrooms.

ButchyRestingFace · 05/11/2018 22:39

Too late now to lay down rules. Give her notice and start probably with next one re no over night guests

I think I would rather be given the opportunity to stay in my home than be given notice a discussion.

If the OP tells this woman the bringing men back can't go on, the woman may be preferred to accept this as a condition of staying. She may not. But at least give her the chance, I say.

Original poster

lastqueenofscotland · 05/11/2018 22:47

I wouldn’t just boot her out.
She does make jokes about making up for lost time (she got married when she was 18). I will speak to her as a concerned friend but also as someone that doesn’t want to have complete strangers in her house

OP posts:

DarklyDreamingDexter · 05/11/2018 22:50

I'd feel very uncomfortable about having complete strangers in the house too. They could be violent, steal stuff, or anything. I think a tactful word about it is in order.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/11/2018 22:55

It is completely reasonable op. When I shared a with a friend she would never have brought a stranger home. It is a pretty thoughtless thing to do as well as a reckless one.

Maelstrop · 05/11/2018 23:09

I wouldn’t just boot her out. She does make jokes about making up for lost time (she got married when she was 18). I will speak to her as a concerned friend but also as someone that doesn’t want to have complete strangers in her house

I don’t think concerned friend is appropriate. That makes it sound like you’re concerned for her morals, which are none of your business. I would only speak to her about not bringing strangers back into YOUR house and now extremely inappropriate that is when she’s the lodger. If you’re in the U.K., you don’t have to give her notice, she has almost no rights. I wouldn’t hesitate to kick her out.

Ontheboardwalk · 05/11/2018 23:12

Nope doesn’t matter if friend, family or lodger. Strange people in your house 3 times a week isn’t on.

Onecutefox · 05/11/2018 23:15

I don't think you should feel awkward by asking her not to bring one-night stand men into your home. You could say that if it a boyfriend then you are fine with it but otherwise you would have to go to their places. It's not like you are in a student house but you're the landlord. She is absolutely careless and disrespectful to you.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 05/11/2018 23:34

I can see why you're not happy about the situation but if you're going to set rules around her bringing men back where do you draw the line? How long does she have to be seeing someone before they're allowed to stay over? If the issue is that it's "strangers" does that mean she needs to introduce you to potential sexual partners before they're allowed to come round? Because I can imagine that might get a bit awkward.

I'm not saying you shouldn't address this with her or set ground rules, I just think you have to be really clear about what you're asking her to do/not do and how it's going to work in practice.

Jux · 05/11/2018 23:37

YANBU. I would be very unhappy with that, complete strangers to her is a no no as far as leaving my home and possessions open to them. As you say, strangers to you but friends to her is a whole different thing.

You can tell her no to this. If she wants a shag that badly then she can go to their home (I don't mean to say that to her , it's an observation).

RupertBear15 · 06/11/2018 00:02

I would be very uncomfortable with this from the safety aspect. She sounds like a nice person from what you’ve said so if she is reasonable, perhaps outline your concerns over a cup of tea and tell her you need things to change or she must leave. She is paying you to live there so maybe a long term boyfriend staying over now and then would be okay but at the moment she is risking both her safety and yours.
I don’t think charging a fee per extra guest really deals with the issue. Has your lodger signed an assured shorthold tenancy agreement ? You need to be very clear what was stipulated in any legal agreement about who stays over and for how long as this is your house, you are the landlord. It should only accommodate you and her. You should not have to accept random strangers coming into your home on a weekly basis. Very disrespectful of her! A long term boyfriend is a different case altogether. If she wants to have lots of ONS’s then she needs to find a private apartment, not your home. You are entitled to feel safe. There is a late 1970’s film staring Diane Keaton called ‘Looking for Mr Goodbar’ about a young woman who takes random men back to her room regularly. Tell her to watch that and become far more aware of the potential dangers to both of you and that having a parade of strange men through your home is definitely not acceptable- its actually frightening for you as the only other woman in the property. She can stay over at theirs as an alternative. You need to make this young lady aware of your concerns and if she won’t accept your rules, hand her her notice. I wouldn’t stand for it at all ( pardon the pun!) .

KumquatQuince · 06/11/2018 00:14

Presumably you got a reference for her before she moved in? And presumably no reference for the randoms? They could be anyone. She’s an idiot to put herself, and you and your property, at risk like that.

SleepWarrior · 06/11/2018 00:56

Maybe a rule of overnight guests only by prior arrangement? It would avoid surprise strangers that she meets that night.

I had that when I was a lodger and it seemed perfectly fair to me.

Don't side step around the issue either. It's OK to not want random people neither of you know coming to your house in the middle of the night. You really don't need to be apologetic about that!

Tomatoesrock · 06/11/2018 01:00

Speak to her. It is not on, I would feel very nervous. I would give her the chance to change or end the agreement.
Years ago on a holiday, I got back early and was fast asleep, My friend brought a random bloke 6ft4 back and he was crazy, shouting, smashing bottles, he eventually left.
I always think how dangerous it could have been for both of us.
If she wants to have a one night stand go to theirs, or the park.

ferrier · 06/11/2018 06:47

Has your lodger signed an assured shorthold tenancy agreement?

Lodgers don't get assured shorthold tenancies.

TeddybearBaby · 06/11/2018 08:57

I don’t think you’re U. It’s your house and you can set your own rules. If it doesn’t suit your lodger it’s not for them. Neither of you are wrong. It’s a shame it wasn’t discussed before but I guess you didn’t even think of it.

I have a 16 year old student who wanted a male to stay (not bf). I was unsure with my two little ones so said no. I don’t feel bad really.

easyandy101 · 06/11/2018 09:02

is she selling herself?

ffs

FinallyHere · 06/11/2018 09:19

UA definitely NBU

Have a chat, apologise for not making your feelings clear in advance, ask her whether she wants to stay and not bring back strangers or call it a day and find somewhere else to live.

I would ask her to not bring anyone back meanwhile. The risks, in your own home.

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