AIBU? I’m ashamed to go home

[TravelBlues]

I grew up between UK and abroad. I did Uni in the uk and planned to then work at home, but decided to wait for a year during some political instability.

During that year I got pregnant. My child is now a stroppy teen. It is a very religious and conservative country. If you watch ‘call the midwife’ she ‘shame’ of being an ‘unwed mother’ is about the same as it was in the 50s.

For various reasons my career never took off and I’m 40 working in a call centre.

I’m really ashamed of my life.

I was privately educated and the whole community expected ‘big things’ from me after I got top GCSEs and a good degree but I just failed to deliver.

People coming from the UK are seen as ‘big shots’. Drinks are on me! I bought cousin Danny a smart watch! I’m taking you all to dinner! I remember people doing it when I was growing up.

I can’t afford to do that.Some people actually get into debt to create that illusion. I don’t want to go down that path. I’m a single parent doing my best.

My parents visit me once a year in the UK but have convinced me to spend Christmas at home. Everyone will be there. I’m starting to feel so anxious about being judged. Not necessarily to my face.

Do you come from a Mediterranean island country by any chance? It sounds very familiar.
Well, there’s nothing to be ashamed off, you do your best. Success is not measure in money only. You can be honest, I do what I do because that’s the best for me and my family. People expect more because they’d come to you with demands. There’s no law to say you have to buy cousin Danny a watch.
There’s no point creative any illusion either. If they think, you’re a failure that’s their problem not yours.

You are putting too much pressure on yourself.

People judge no matter what you do. If you go splashing the cash about, they will say you are flash. If you don't, you are stingy. Don't drive yourself crazy thinking about what others will think, because in reality, what does it matter?

Go and spend christmas with your family and make your time about that. Maybe gift them a nice photo frame with the idea of taking a nice family photo to put in the frame when you are there. Sometimes it's the little things that are worth so much more.

Success comes in many forms. It’s not just holding down a fancy job and making money, it’s about enjoying life and making the most of what you have. You sound like a hard working parent who doesn’t live beyond their means - this is success in itself, even if you don’t feel it.

Also you never really know how much money people have, or it it’s subsidised with credit or debt. The shiny exterior isn’t always the case all the way through.

I know it’s easier said than done, but try to think about the good things in your life and what you’re lucky to have.

Also, there’s no shame in working in a call centre - it’s steady work and not everyone can do it. It’s shows you have an aptitude for talking to people which a lot of people can’t handle. However if you really dislike it, Could you look into retraining or which other jobs you have transferable skills for?

You have nothing to be ashamed of - you are bringing up a teenager on your own and you have a job. You delivered OP stop being so hard on yourself.

If your parents have asked you to go home, are you sure there is that much talk/gossip? Would they really put you and their grandchild through that? How long is it since you have been home? Is it still like that - big show for the homecoming? In recent years a lot of countries have suffered with credit crunch/austerity years/virtual bankruptcy - Greece/Portugal/Spain. I think people are a more realistic about prospects and money these days and it would be a shame to miss out on your trip home with your teenager.

Perhaps talk to your parents, tell them you are nervous. They must have been talking to their relatives and friends about you and your life.

I am not quite sure what to make of your post but I feel you are troubled so I wanted to reply. I can't for the life of me see what you have to be ashamed about. You've had a child who you have brought up to be a teenager - great! You have a job and I assume are paying your way - fantastic.

People will sometimes judge - but it doesn't make them right.Why are you so worried about what they think? You have a child whom I hope you love, what more do you want? If it's helps I am not married to my partner of 23 years, we have 2 teenagers, my parents hate my job and think I shouldn't work.... but I'm happy, love my kids, love my OH.

Irish would be my guess.

Don't be ashamed of your life; be proud of what you have achieved for your child and yourself by your own best efforts. Life throws all sorts of different challenges at us - and you don't need to live up to anyone else's expectations of you.

You are 40 years old. You should know by now that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, and honestly, people really don't care what you've done or haven't done. It's all just silly insecurity messing with your head.

Please don’t ever be ashamed of your life. And don’t allow others materialistic and dated views impact your self worth.

I grew up in a very snobby and competitive area. People have measure success by your address. I am still friends with people from my home town, but I now find their small mindedness amusing.

I am sure you have a wonderful life and a great kid. Go home, hold you head high and show them how happy you are. That’s success.

Also if you haven’t been home for twenty years things will probably have changed. It can’t be Ireland, because it has gone through an economic boom and society has changed massively. But I imagine other places have also evolved and arent shocked by children out of wedlock.

In fact your original message reminded me of my grandmothers stories form the 1940s and 1950s when people went to America and sent packages home!!

My dad was ‘kind of a big deal’ in our town. He didn’t believe in helping adult children. My brother drives a flash car and has a slick job.

One of my cousins said ‘oh you get these people born with a silver spoon in their mouths but then don’t have any real world skills and are so soft and pampered.’ It was a few years ago but it cut me to the quick.

Who is "everyone"?

Won't they just be pleased to see you rather than expecting expensive stuff?

Anyone who isn't isn't worth bothering about.

What is it-those who matter don't mind & those who mind don't matter?

Your experience of adult life is echoed by countless women, for whom juggling motherhood and work is a real struggle. The dreams of high achievement get set aside in favour of doing what fits with the children's needs. Don't be ashamed or guilt tripped. Do what works for you and your child.

GoldenEvilHoor

Hi OP, I have a similar story to yours and my advice would be not to go home. I did and the disgrace and shame is overwhelming. It has seriously affected my children too. It has been awful for my mother. Just don't go flowers flowers

Shit. I can’t afford to waste the tickets and it will be a bigger drama not to turn up. It’s a big family birthday too for someone I’m fond of so I do want to go for that.

I forgot to say-if you are supporting yourself & your teen-I can't see that that is anything to be other than proud of.

My Nigerian Friend says similar to you.

Luckily her Mother is understanding and helps her keep up the illusion.

But her attitude is that her life has gone the way it has and its a lot better than it could have been.

You're in a better position than many who are meeting up with Family and are the poor/less educated relative, because at least those judging don't know the ins and outs of your life and they won't be doing it to your face.

You'll just have to go and brazen it out. But compared to others, have you really done that badly?

It is also an important lesson for your child. Go if you can be proud of your life, but don’t go if your child will pick up in any feelings of shame or inadequacy.

I don’t know anything. About the culture your are from (I assume it is very different from the UK) but I can’t believe they are as cruel and superficial as you fear.

Unfortunately some cultures are like this. I knew a lovely woman who, through desperation, broke the law to get money to send back home so as not to bring “shame” on her family. She got caught and ended up in prison. Some cultures absolutely place major importance on wealth and achievement and have the idea that the UK is full of “riches” and if you haven’t been successful here it is a failing on your part. I lived with someone from such a country and he was always showing his mum things like our washing machine or clothes he’d bought to show her how “well” he was doing, so she could brag to friends. It’s all very sad.

OP if your parents visit you, they must have a picture of your life. Can you rely on them for moral support when you go home? You absolutely have nothing to be ashamed of but I understand how it can be.

I’m a single parent doing my best.
So you have something to be very proud of. Hold your head up high.

If you do go, you need to have an honest chat with your DC first.

You certainly have 'real world' skills. You've brought up a child on your own for a start, plenty wouldn't be able to.

You sound terrific actually and you have a job even if it isn't of the high calibre you'd hoped. You're earning which is more than many do!

I think your family will be very pleased with you. It's you that matters, not what you do or what you own.

"OP if your parents visit you, they must have a picture of your life. Can you rely on them for moral support when you go home? "

I think that this is important.

What have they told others about your life?

Will people really expect as much of you as you think or are you blowing it up out of all proportion?

I’m tearing up reading all this. I don’t know what to say to dc.

It’s also overwhelming as I might bump into my ex. I haven’t seen him since he fucked off out of England to avoid paying child support.

Lady you need to be proud of yourself. Acknowledge ex if he's there then don't bother with him. Those judging you are making fools of themselves. Silver spoon indeed, bringing a child up on your own with no financial support is the real deal and it's tough and bloody well done you. They've done a number on you, the reality is they probably wished they had the balls to do what you've done and escape what sounds like a judgy, suffocating, goldfish bowl. Go, be pleasant, nod your head, smile and let any slights bounce right back off your very capable shoulders, count the days until you get back and make sure you have a nice treat waiting for you when you come back to freedom

They should be judging your useless ex not you!

Has your child met his\her father. This could be a really emotional trip for you both. I am sure your family will be so proud of you and want to show you both off.