AIBU? I’m ashamed to go home

[TravelBlues]

I grew up between UK and abroad. I did Uni in the uk and planned to then work at home, but decided to wait for a year during some political instability.

During that year I got pregnant. My child is now a stroppy teen. It is a very religious and conservative country. If you watch ‘call the midwife’ she ‘shame’ of being an ‘unwed mother’ is about the same as it was in the 50s.

For various reasons my career never took off and I’m 40 working in a call centre.

I’m really ashamed of my life.

I was privately educated and the whole community expected ‘big things’ from me after I got top GCSEs and a good degree but I just failed to deliver.

People coming from the UK are seen as ‘big shots’. Drinks are on me! I bought cousin Danny a smart watch! I’m taking you all to dinner! I remember people doing it when I was growing up.

I can’t afford to do that.Some people actually get into debt to create that illusion. I don’t want to go down that path. I’m a single parent doing my best.

My parents visit me once a year in the UK but have convinced me to spend Christmas at home. Everyone will be there. I’m starting to feel so anxious about being judged. Not necessarily to my face.

Could you call your mother and talk to her? You shouldn’t feel ashamed, but sadly do. Maybe she can lay the path for you and stand strong beside you. It’s interesting what parents can accept and how much they’ll defend their children when pushed. Maternal love is a very strong ally.

It's amazing isn't it that they would try to put the shame on you, who has worked really hard and has brought up her daughter single handed ly rather than your feckless ex who abandoned you and his responsibility towards his child. Ha! I know which standards I prefer. I know it's your home country OP but really I can't help but question the values that prioritise getting into debt so that you can save face by pretending to have wealth.

They can't make you feel ashamed if you choose not too. They can't make you feel bad for not having wealth if you choose to feel proud of what you have achieved. If you choose not to take another person's bad intentions, who is left with it?!

*them not it.

I can’t afford to do that.Some people actually get into debt to create that illusion. I don’t want to go down that path.

If anybody says anything, look astonished and say "gosh. Does that still happen? I assumed that you'd all given that medieval practice up years ago"
Brazen it out.

I think it’s very difficult for anyone who hasn’t direct experience of this kind of culture to understand the OP’s predicament. There is enormous pressure to be seen to have succeeded, and success is measured only in material things and never in personal growth and resilience.

Where I live, we see emigrants every summer in cars overloaded with white goods on the roof rack and every bit of space inside the car crammed with boxes and bags, making the trip home to bestow largesse on the extended family. They pull out large wads of notes to pay for the biggest and best fish in the market. DH says they often live on boiled potatoes or plain pasta a lot of the time throughout the rest of the year and constantly scrimp in order to fund a couple of weeks of playing at being affluent, he’s witnessed it at first hand.

OP, if your parents visit you every year, they know your situation. What are their expectations of you when you go home? Do you know what they tell other people about your life in the U.K.? Do they tell them you have a high-flying career? Whatever you decide to do, don’t get drawn into debt in order to impress other people. It really isn’t worth it. Most of all, be proud of yourself for raising a child alone without the support of a partner or family.

I’ll go into a bit of detail since I’ve name changed.
I did Law at university but never got a training contract.
My parents tell people I’m a lawyer (in their minds I am, because I did the degree).

Dc has met dad and they Skype, but as a teen is now realising he’s a waste of space.

They think I’m selfish for not helping others. I’m not going to eat boiled potatoes for a month to send money for auntie so and so’s car to be repaired.

I’ve also got quite thin. Borderline eating disorder plus stress. I always say ‘I’ll go when I look more healthy’ so I don’t get comments, but I’ve been scrawny for years. DC looks lovely and healthy though.

His relations when I’ve seen them say ‘oh, she doesn’t look like anyone on our side of the family!’ I take it as questioning paternity and it’s hurtful.

I’m also anxious about what to do about ex’s parents. They’ve been generally quite kind to dc, cards etc, but have not insisted they their son pays for his child so I have mixed feelings. They are quite well off. At times we would wrap up with a hot water bottle and blankets when we came home as I couldn’t afford heating, then there would be Facebook photos of them on holiday which made me feel quite angry.

His relations when I’ve seen them say ‘oh, she doesn’t look like anyone on our side of the family!’

"Yes - we've been really lucky that way."

I'm sorry - I don't mean to be flippant.

It's easy for people who haven't experienced this sort of social pressure (from the entire community - not just a few individuals) to be dismissive about it, but it is very, very hard to cope with. Once you are in that place, physically, you go there mentally, too, whether you want to or not - too many automatic reactions kick in from your childhood, formative, years.

Your parents know your situation - they must feel that they can protect you from criticism, surely, if they have insisted that you visit? And they must love you and be proud of you, even if your career hasn't been everything you all hoped.

You are right not to get into debt to play "Flash Harry" - they aren't worth impressing if that is the attitude they take. You say you can't afford to waste the tickets and have to go - well, do so, but If anyone makes any snide remarks about jobs/ money/ lifestyle that you can't ignore (ignore them when you can) say "I had to put everything on hold when I had DD - but she's worth twice the sacrifice and I wouldn't be without her for the world" You might also add that if her dad had put his hand in his pocket instead of buggering off and leaving you with everything to cope with - practically and emotionally - in a place where you didn't even have family support, it might have helped. But hey-ho, things are as they are and you have a wonderful child, so how can you regret anything?

And then ignore.

OP, would it help to remind yourself that the lavish lives are lies? Those people living on potatoes to look like big shots aren’t real.

You are a woman with a job and a healthy child. You’re not lying about your life.

Maybe write a list of affirmations about things you can be proud of and get DC to help too? Then you can look at it when you feel low.

Is this Greece? Can you change conversations to Brexit? Greeks are fascinated by that.

I don’t want to say the country if you don’t mind, but it’s fascinating how this mindset is in many places.

Pp who said ‘success is measured only by material possessions and achievements is spot on’. Personal growth is not seen as relevant ( this may explain why so many men are so immature’.

I have gone from being very devout to atheist, but I’m going to just go through the motions. If you’re ‘out’ as atheist basically you’re asking for an intervention by the town ladies prayer meeting .

" they aren't worth impressing "

That is so right.

So your teen's father has been accepted back even though he pissed off & left you & his child, but you might not be because you don't turn up with money?

It seems as though a lot of the pressure you feel under might be from your parents lies.

These people are beginning to sound not worth the effort of visiting.

Honestly, I just wouldn't go.

I have had a lot of things happen to me in the last few years that have made me realise that if you can't be yourself around your family, when you are a good person like you sound, and they don't accept your life and choices then it's not worth changing who you are, acting different, etc for them. It affects your confidence and your health and I realised that I needed both of these to be good so I could be happy.

I understand that your families culture is different, but you live a different life to them and you sound like you have accomplished what you have by yourself. Never be ashamed of your life when you are doing your best.

For those saying lreland..there is no way. In the 50s/ 60s yes but not now.
Op people used to be like this in lreland and l heard recently at the funeral of a relative that he would hire a fancy car and drive home on the boat and pick up all his friends to impress them. Then return to his " no car " life.
But you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your dd is a teenager and you have managed to rear her . Your family already know and they are the only people you should care about. Can you buy some simple presents, hold your head high and bring lots of love and joy to your family this Christmas. Life is too short for shame.
If you were my dd returning l would be so proud and excited.

I'm guessing Ireland as well …. it all sounds very familiar. You have nothing at all to be ashamed of OP, I'd be proud of you if you were my DD. Go home and visit with your head held high.

I know what you mean OP.
DH is currently in his home country (North Africa).
I know he will have given hundreds of £ to relatives and paid for everything. At home, days out are very rare, holidays are unthinkable, clothes are bought at the end of the sales or second-hand. Yet we are supposed to shower his family with money because it is what is expected from "expats". They have an image of Europe built on TV shows and American movies and they truly believe everyone is rolling in money.

I would not go if I were you OP. You already see your parents once a year and even if you know you have nothing to be ashamed of, I totally understand how bad the social pressure can get.
The tickets are already bought so you are not "wasting" anything by not going - in fact you will be saving money by not spending it in your home country. (thnaks Mumsnet for enlightening me about the sunk costs fallacy).

Honestly OP, I wouldn't go. It will be hard for your DL to see you go through that and it sounds dreadful. You don't owe a visit to people who are going to make you feel 'less-than'.

Sorry, DD, not DL

Oh come on: Ireland is a modern country, not some backwards place. For goodness sake, it's not Ireland.

I agree with other posters - certainly within your own family you should just own the situation. Can you think of a phrase that you can trot out which is true but not shaming?

"Being left with no financial support when DD was born was actually a blessing in disguise. It really made me realise that family and love is so much more important than money and I try to live by that mantra"

"Raising DD has made me grateful for all the love I had growing up - I'm so glad that she can spend all this time with her family - thats reward enough for me. We don't need a lot of money to say I love you"

Give personal rather than expensive gifts. Or things from England which are interesting because they're English.

With the religion I think you're right. If you are atheist deep down then going through the motions won't hurt anyone - and will actually probably be the kindest thing to do for yourself and your family.

Good luck!

Can you not go back with tales of the wonderful career you had to abandon when your DC's dad chose to go home and leave you without a penny? The fact that you would be a QC/corporate partner in a top firm etc etc if it wasn't for his shabby behavior - perhaps implying that the reason he left was that he was such a deadbeat he couldn't cope with being out performed/out earned by a woman? Create a constant refrain of I'd love to buy a round of drinks but I don't have the money because I have to fund dc/childcare at UK prices all by myself. Next time they want aunties' car fixed tell them to ask him to pay as you have to shell out that amount every single month to pay for childcare or what ever?

Sometimes the "poor me" story and having someone else to blame is a good idea. However you need to tell it every single time there might be even the possibility of you been expected to pay for something.

After all you have nothing to be ashamed of - you have stepped up to your responsibilities and brought up your child single handed, going short yourself to see they are OK - he is the one who has bunked off so I'd play on the tradition society values and try to turn them in your favour - he is the one who deserves the shame after all.

All it comes down to really is three questions.
Who is important to me?
What sort of person am I and how do I want to treat others?
What can I do to stay connected with people I care about?
That's really all you need. Your son, your family and friends are important to you. You are the sort of person who is doing the best for her child and herself. You don't knowingly go out to hurt anyone. That's plenty. It's ENOUGH.
If you think about feeling 'judged'. Most of that doesn't happen in the real world around you - 95% of it is manufactured in your head. There might be an occasional comment that might sting. I'm not denying that thinking about this doesn't bring negative emotions.
'Feeling judged' in your head is a bunch of neurons firing in your brain. Then your brain starts worrying about what neurons are firing in someone else's brain. And you worry about what those neurons are firing about even when it's 'not to your face'. Wow. That's quite a population to be trying to control. Suddenly you are on the run from a bunch of neurons you think might be firing in someone else's head. Your worries about what ideas are being generated in someone else's brain are actually going to make you decide about getting on a flight or not.
Run, run, it's a bunch of neurons 'thinking bad stuff' about me!!

I'm sorry you are dealing with this stress, I would recommend you go for some counselling so you will have the tools to deal with them, if you do go home. You have nothing g to be ashamed about.

I don't know where you are from but I'm certain it is not Ireland. No way, as the very opposite would be true.

I hope you get some help and support to deal with your parents, They are the problem here. They have drilled stuff in to your head and ymwhe you are with them you are reverting to being a child. You are a success. You are raising a child by yourself and get up and go to work every day. That's a success. I think you are doing great.

A sudden illness can drop up at the last minute. No way could you fly with an ear infection for example.

Can you just lie this year until you have gotten some help and tools to be able to deal with them. Good luck.

Utterly bewildered they anyone would think the OP is from Ireland.

OP, don't put yourself under unnecessary pressure. Obviously, don't go into debt or survive on pasta to shower extended family with gifts you can't afford. I hope whatever you decide, you feel it's the right call.

To be clear: you have a law degree but fell pregnant immediately out of college, raised a child unsupported financially or emotionally by anyone and are now feeling that your family and their community will judge you harshly?
Clever (tick)
Responsible (tick)
Brave (tick)

They are going to judge you for having a child when the father is a useless lying irresponsible git? Hmm. I'm pretty sure that worrying about that level of sexist crap is reasonable OP. You have done brilliantly, and can continue to do so. Is the call centre a legal (claims type) one? If you are really worried about the opinions I'd blag it.
'Yes I'm a lawyer. I work on small claims. The hours fit with raising my daughter as X has never fulfilled his responsibilities. You want me to send money home? Well alas the cost of living in the UK precludes that for me right now.'

Get your hair done, buy some clothes which flatter your leanness (second hand or whatever) and brief DD on exactly how difficult it will be for you if she doesn't tow the line while you are away. Teens are universally self absorbed but they still have a heart.
Are you really ashamed of all that you have done for yourself or is it their perceived opinion which shames you? I'll reiterate that I think you are amazing actually but if you wanted to move on with a career in law it isn't too late and perhaps will be easier now you have a more independent child for you to do some more studying if you can get a placement.

...unreasonable to worry about those kind of opinions, not reasonable!

I cannot believe anyone thinks the OP is from Ireland! for fuck sake, the level of ignorance is appalling.
It's a very long time since being a single parent had a stigma attached to it in Ireland.
Nor are we in thrall to the UK, thinking the streets are paved with gold.
I'm almost ready to give up on MN and the UK in regard to people's appalling ignorance about your nearest neighbour.