AIBU? I’m ashamed to go home

[TravelBlues]

I grew up between UK and abroad. I did Uni in the uk and planned to then work at home, but decided to wait for a year during some political instability.

During that year I got pregnant. My child is now a stroppy teen. It is a very religious and conservative country. If you watch ‘call the midwife’ she ‘shame’ of being an ‘unwed mother’ is about the same as it was in the 50s.

For various reasons my career never took off and I’m 40 working in a call centre.

I’m really ashamed of my life.

I was privately educated and the whole community expected ‘big things’ from me after I got top GCSEs and a good degree but I just failed to deliver.

People coming from the UK are seen as ‘big shots’. Drinks are on me! I bought cousin Danny a smart watch! I’m taking you all to dinner! I remember people doing it when I was growing up.

I can’t afford to do that.Some people actually get into debt to create that illusion. I don’t want to go down that path. I’m a single parent doing my best.

My parents visit me once a year in the UK but have convinced me to spend Christmas at home. Everyone will be there. I’m starting to feel so anxious about being judged. Not necessarily to my face.

Well I have Irish in-laws who behave similarly, not so much expecting presents but certainly looking down on people who aren't "professionals". I'm glad to hear they aren't typical.

I forgot to say-if you are supporting yourself & your teen-I can't see that that is anything to be other than proud of.

This 1000 times over. Anyone single parent who has made it this far supporting themselves and their child and is surviving a teen is a clear winner in my book. Something to be proud of, not ashamed! This is all your child needs to know.

@TravelBlues Do not be ashamed of your life, you are doing fabulous. you have raised a child all on your own and by the sounds of even though you are not one of those high earners as expected from you but you are debt free.

Do not be ashamed, if anything be proud of yourself you have achieved so much on your own. As for a stroppy teenager, we all have them, but one day that stroppy teenager will be able to stand up somewhere and say how proud they are of their mother. That stroppy teenager will not be a stroppy teenager all their life. Your parents do not seem to be ashamed of the fact that you are an unwed mother or they would not have asked you to come home for Christmas.

Go home, have a fabulous holiday with your stroppy teenager and if anything else the stroppy teenager will realise how lucky they are when visiting a conservative country such as your home country.

But never be ashamed of who you are you have achieved so much in your life.

CalpolOnToast - that's just a snobby middle class attitude, same as it would be in the UK. I highly doubt they would shun someone for being a single parent, or think someone has a dramatically different standard of living just because they work in the UK.

Exactly, just snobbery, there's plenty of it in the UK. Do you honestly meet an unpleasant person from another country and assume their nationality/culture is the reason for their attitude? How small-minded!
Irish people are generally very well educated, good degrees are ten a penny and no one would expect anything amazing from someone with a good education.

My dad was ‘kind of a big deal’ in our town. He didn’t believe in helping adult children.
and yet
They think I’m selfish for not helping others.
Come on, OP, join the dots. This seems to be a case of 'What's yours is mine and what's mine is my own.'

However, what you really need to work on is DC so they don't get sucked into this ridiculousness. You have said that the "teen is now realising [absentee father] is a waste of space" so I suggest that you enlighten DC about what the rest of the community is like. You could even wind them up and let them be the mouthpiece (cos teens are good at that!) for your annoyance at this archaic practice.

Maybe your father is not as much of a big shot as he would have you believe and he couldn't afford to help you.

I'd smile.
I'd nod.

If you see the exes parents -I might be tempted to ask 'how is he?' any negativity I might say 'obviously I'd not had an maintenance for 18 years........' if you make a child you should support them -shame he doesn't feel the same. Sometimes we had hot water bottle as no money for heating, but you were on holiday -so we had the green eyes monster money wise but not love wise.

If people want to judge you behind your back then let them. You have nothing to prove to anyone and shouldn’t have to.

You may not be a lawyer or something else your family expected from you, but you earn an honest wage and have brought your child up on your own. They are two big achievements and If you were my DD I’d be very proud of you.

Go home, be yourself and hold your head up high. I come from a culture with very high expectations of its children. My DB and I were always well aware we hadn’t met those expectations and were disappointments. When I worked as a cleaner my DF was embarrassed and ashamed. It’s their problem and upbringing that can’t let them accept their DC for who they are and that’s really sad. Doing well in life is so much more than what you do to put bread on the table and the home you live in. You are doing just fine no matter what the expectations of the people back home believe. You don’t need to accept their worldview on what success looks like.

I don't know since when anyone coming to Ireland from England has been expected to be the big shot dropping money like water. And there certainly isn't a stigma around being a single parent.

Maybe 30/40 years ago, but not now.

I think anyone who is commenting as to what country it is - ANY country they are commenting it as being - needs to have a word with themselves about unconscious bias and go away and give their head a wobble. It doesn't matter a jot what the country is that's not the point of the OP and statements such as it's Ireland or it's a mediterranean island or it's an african country say more about you and your prejudice than it does about anyone else.

@Owlwantstoshare says it perfectly.

FWIW, I know a woman who fell on hard times in her country and got a job as a cook in a “low class” restaurant. Her father went ballistic when he heard and told her she was a disgrace, bringing shame on the family, and she should quit her job. He didn’t however offer to help her financially, which he could easily afford to do as he was well-off. He didn’t care about how his daughter and grandchildren were actually going to manage, he only cared about how her “lowly” job reflected on him, a successful “big” man. Appearance is everything.

Go back to your country looking as smart as you can manage, and if anyone makes remarks about helping others financially make vague allusions to your money being invested in something you can’t say much about at the moment because you don’t want to tempt fate blah blah blah. If anyone comments that you look a bit thin, give a tinkly laugh and quote the Duchess of Windsor, who famously said that a lady can never be too rich or too thin ...

Hold your head high, keep everyone guessing about your life and feel proud of who you are. Whatever you have is through your own efforts, with no thanks to those who will judge you. You are obviously a strong person to have achieved what you have, don’t let the judgement of shallow people get you down.

Think of it this way: at our age most of our peers have also come to the realisation that life is what happens when you are dreaming big! I certainly feel that I have fallen way short of expectations but when I look at my school friends, so have the vast majority of them. The odd one has had a successful career but these are not the braggy ones. If any of them are full of themselves it is those who married "well" and who are tied to counting material success. Most of your family will surely be relieved that you are still you and that they aren't doing so badly after all!

If they do relish the fact that you are not driving a flash car etc then seriously, they are not worth giving s moments thought to (easier said than done I know). Most important is that your mum wants you home and she probably (hopefully) thinks you are great just as you are.

Even if you bought all that shut, they'd STILL judge you.

Are you sure you want to spend Christmas there?

I don't think you should go. You've already spent the money on the tickets, so that's gone already, and it won't make a difference whether you go or not. However, if you do go, you'll probably spend even more money, and you'll be made to feel bad and inadequate too, not to mention how it might affect your child if they witness these behaviours. Read up about the sunk costs fallacy.

And remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed of, and you should actually be feeling very proud of yourself. Raising children is hard, and it's even harder if you're a single parent, with no support.

Your parents should be shamed of themselves for their behaviour.

I don’t want to never go back, so now is as good a time as any to go.

Thanks for all the unmumsnetty support. I’ve booked a one off therapy session to help me with coping strategies.

This sounds like a lovely Ghanaian girl I knew. I have no easy answers, but hope op can decide how she will tackle the visit so that she can have some fun and enjoy herself.

Thanks @Jayfee
Do you know how it went for her?

I spoke to my mum and she was lovely. However my immediate family is not the problem.

If it’s not your immediate family that’s the problem then that’s a good thing as they’re the ones who matter most. The rest I’d try take with a pinch of salt (easy to say i know) and ignore any judgemental remarks. You don’t have to agree or be sucked into their way of thinking. They might expect you to pay for aunty’s new car etc but the fact is it’s hard enough supporting yourself and your DC as it is I imagine. You have responsibilities to yourself and your DC only.

The thing is, part of me feels like I should have known better, and it was stupid to fall pregnant and ex buggered off because there was something wrong with me, rather than because he is feckless.

Having the awful things you say to yourself echoed back is depressing.

No relationship comes with a guarantee though. They start in good faith and with hopes and dreams but how many work out like we’d hoped? We just don’t know how things will go. How many of us look back and think ‘if only we had known this, or done that or not done that ‘ etc. And your ex buggered off because not because there was something wrong with you but because he couldn’t/wouldn’t step up by the sounds of it. It’s so easy to be an expert on someone else’s life. You are a normal human being and don’t let anyone try to tell you you’re a disappointment or made poor choices. You didn’t and you haven’t. Try to go easy on yourself. You’re doing fine.

Thanks Owl