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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL coming into the room we sleep in.

89 replies

Usernamed · 04/11/2018 23:00

My MIL lives in a 5 bed house with three bathrooms. When we stay over for a weekend (she lives far away) she puts our family in her bedroom, which has the on-suite, which is nice of her. Trouble is, she keeps coming into the room. Sometimes she knocks, sometimes she doesn't.

She leaves all her stuff in the room, including bathroom stuff she uses regularly, then keeps popping in to get bits. If she knows we are visiting, why doesn't she move the stuff she'll need into one if the other bathrooms before we arrive?

I feel as if it's purposeful to check up on us, or controlling (she can treat my dh a bit like a child). It makes me feel on edge as if I'm always on guard I will be interrupted if naked, on the loo, getting some quiet time, whatever.

Tonight I'm actually sleeping in the office room on my own and she's in her own room with my daughter, yet I still felt that at any moment she would come in. Lo and behold, in she just popped in (she knocked first) at 11pm, because she thought she'd left the thermostat in here. She hadn't left it in here. I just knew she'd have to come in!

I'm finding it quite irritating.

OP posts:

DameSquashalot · 06/11/2018 05:56

MIL does this when we stay with her. It doesn't bother me that much, but DH hates it.

I like the idea of the doorstop.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/11/2018 06:23

This doesn’t say evil intent to me, more like anxious hosting. It sounds like she is trying to make you comfortable by giving you her room. Are you being good guests and spending enough time with her when you’re there, or does she have to seek you out?

I would find this irritating, though, and I’d prefer to stay at the nearest Premier so I could be sure of having my own space and a good night’s sleep!

MonsterKidz · 06/11/2018 06:37

Must be a MIL thing as mine does the same
when we visit.

We do sleep in the spare room (they have 3 spare rooms) and the room next to us is where my kids sleep. My kids are young we leave the door open between us as often my youngest makes his way in to us in the night. We are on a completely different floor to the MIL, with our orb bathroom, and still she ‘pops’ in to the room or bathroom!

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2018 06:54

Why hasn't her son said something to her?

You would have done if it were your mum.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/11/2018 07:12

How intrusive and rude. I would never enter a room with guests inside. I wouldn’t enter it at all unless necessary such as to shut a window.

I would insist on the twin room and privacy. Buy a camp bed for you dd if necessary when she’s this age and she can sleep in the study room when older.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/11/2018 07:16

"Whenever I go to my parents, mum thinks it’s ok to barge into my (childhood) bedroom"

Mine too. She'll knock at the same time as pushing the door open. That's not the point of knocking!

Having said that, when I have a friend to stay, I give up my room because he has a bad back, but I still need to go to my room to get some things, mainly clothes. I always knock though.

MsSquiz · 06/11/2018 07:18

I would arrange to stay somewhere nearby and when she asks why, explain you don't want to be in her way as you've noticed she often needs to be in and out of the room she has given you to stay in...

Singlenotsingle · 06/11/2018 07:21

Walk around the room naked. Hopefully shell be too embarrassed to do it again.

ZoeWashburne · 06/11/2018 07:33

You don't have a MiL problem, you have a DH problem.

Yes it is weird and controlling. But the second time it happened Dh should have stepped in. Next time you are due to go say: "Sorry Mum, it seems like you need to get a lot of things in your room. I like to have privacy so we will move into the twin room and you can have your space back. It seems like that will solve the problems. If this is an issue, we can always stay at the hotel down the street." and then actually move your stuff.

Get a door stop only after DH has actually saying something to his mum.

Twisique · 06/11/2018 07:35

I agree with everyone who says DOOR WEDGE

BarbarianMum · 06/11/2018 07:35

Just use a door wedge to "lock" the door. Problem solved.

minisoksmakehardwork · 06/11/2018 07:37

It didn't sound strictly like she's being intrusive. But more she thinks she's doing a nice thing and doesn't realise the impact the disruption has, until you said she came into the office room to fetch something which wasn't even there.

I think I'd feel differently if she was knocking to ask if there was anything you needed. That would be a reasonable if still annoying excuse.

I think she perhaps values the sanctity of her own space and subconsciously feels like it's being taken over - she might be horrified if that was put into words to her. Eg, mil (or preferably get dh to speak to her), we've noticed that while you generously give up your room and en-suite, you still need to use it for lots of things so we would prefer to use the twin room and family bathroom in future.

If she says oh no, it's fine, then remind her of the office visit - but mil (mum) you came into the office when I (user) was settling down for the night, it feels like we are imposing on you...

Especially if she has her niece and baby living with them.

Does she sleep in her partner's room when you stay?

mimibunz · 06/11/2018 07:42

My Mil used to do this or she would lurk outside the door (we could hear because of creaky floors). We never got to the bottom of it but assumed it was anxiety from having house guests.

cooldarkroom · 06/11/2018 07:44

As you leave, or before your next visit, DH must say, "Oh, would you let us please have the twin room, we prefer it its more PRIVATE. You won't need to wander in all the time. (& buy a door wedge.) If she "insists" just say "OK we'll find an airbnb"

Sarahjconnor · 06/11/2018 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/11/2018 08:00

"I would never enter a room with guests inside"

This is too far the other way. If you've given up your own room, it's normal that you may need something.

nellieellie · 06/11/2018 08:01

I think it’s for your DH to say something. Why don’t people just speak to each other? ‘Mum, we’re having the twin room - you keep coming in and out to get your stuff. It’s just not private. Easier for you and us”.

MyOtherProfile · 06/11/2018 08:07

I agree that your dh needs to tell her you want to sleep in the twin room. Surely she and her partner can use her en suite then you only have to share the bathroom with the niece. There's really no need for her to give up her room. It's a false kindness.

LakieLady · 06/11/2018 08:10

Get a camper van and sleep in that!

When we stay at MIL's we sleep in our motorhome on the drive. I think she's mildly offended, but we laugh it off saying that my snoring would keep her awake if we were in the next room.

There's no bed set up in her spare room, so it's a folding single bed and a single air bed. DDog would be restless as she wouldn't be able to decide which bed to sleep on. MIL's house is always boiling hot. She's a very light sleeper and I would feel awkward getting up and making my 5am cuppa. In the MH, we have our own lav, shower and kitchen and it's totally private.

It works for us, but the family think we're bonkers.

Hattifattner · 06/11/2018 08:21

have you ever seen Fairy Odd Parents? (kids TV)

Dad breaks into the kids room and says...

"I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your parent by coming in anyways. "

My kids quote it at me regularly.....

MaxTeyon · 06/11/2018 08:38

You lost me at “on-suite”

MyOtherProfile · 06/11/2018 08:43

Get a camper van and sleep in that!

Yup. Cos everyone has thousands spare to buy a motor home for visiting family.

Or hundreds spare to stay in a local hotel when there are empty bedrooms in the house. This is a problem that can easily be resolved without splashing the cash.

ShadowHuntress · 06/11/2018 08:53

My gran used to do this. She was just really, really nosy and a control freak. She could sit in her chair all day but the second you went into the kitchen, she’d invent a reason she needed to come in. If you went upstairs, she be right behind you a few mins later. She couldn’t help herself. It drove all of us nuts and she lived with us a one point. I moved out! She kept coming into my room when I had my boyfriend over and wouldn’t even bother knocking. Drove me nuts

ciderhouserules · 06/11/2018 09:00

MIL might be a lovely person, concerned for her guests every wish. She might have no ulterior motives at all for coming into the room she allocated to you and moved out of.

Then again, even if she is a lovely person with no ulterior motives, it is still FUCKING RUDE!

If she needs stuff from her room or bathroom, she should remove it before you are in there, or go without. Or ask you to get it. She should NOT be coming into your room (as it now is for the duration) to get stuff. It's nosy, controlling and rude.

Blondebakingmumma · 06/11/2018 09:07

You could solve this by having a naked policy when in the room! Bet she only barges in once

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