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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP's ExW is wrong to not invite him to his DD's birthday party

53 replies

Loveacrumble · 04/11/2018 21:16

My DP has been divorced for two years and has two DC with his ExW. She has always been very difficult, despite their divorce being a mutual decision.

Next week is his DD's 9th birthday which also happens to coincide with her 40th birthday. She has decided to have a joint party and refuses to tell my DP where or when it is and has made it clear he is not invited.

He is very upset as he is close to his DD (and DS) and has them once a week and every other weekend. Her argument is that it's her party and it's up to her if she doesn't want him there. And he has his DD for a couple of hours in the evening of her actual birthday and could do something for her birthday then.

Firstly, I actually think it's pretty out of order denying her DD her own birthday party and making it more about her - she's 9!

Secondly, shouldn't she be putting any bad feeling about my DP to one side for once and let him come to the party so her DD can have her dad there?

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 04/11/2018 21:18

I agree with the ex wife as is her birthday party and she won’t want her ex there.

Just have your own party for your stepdaughter

user1499173618 · 04/11/2018 21:18

No. ExW is perfectly entitled to have her own party and it would be most unusual to invite her exH. Leave exW alone. You are not in control of her life.

Starlight345 · 04/11/2018 21:22

I remember my ex thinking he should come to my ds’s birthday party , that I was arranging paying for . He should just turn up like a guest appearance . Errr no .

I am assuming it us very much a family event if it’s a joint party.

Plan your own celebrations

MrsStrowman · 04/11/2018 21:23

I think it's odd to have a joint 40th and 9th party full stop, also I think in these situations unless there's been abuse parents should put the children guest, so if DD has a good relationship with her father, invite him to her birthday party. Don't think you'll be able to change this though OP, so just have a teaparty or something for her with you and maybe some of her father's family

sizzledrizz · 04/11/2018 21:25

I never invite my ex to any of my kids birthday parties. You should ask your self why he wants to attend so badly, considering he is going to spend a couple of hours with her anyway on her birthday. He probably just wants to make his ex-wife miserable, which his probably why she doesn't like him.
Leave the woman alone. Stop trying to ruin her joint birthday

m0therofdragons · 04/11/2018 21:26

Meh, Dh and I had a joint 10th wedding anniversary and dtds 3rd birthday. I'd assume it was family party with a few of DD's friends. It would be odd for her to invite her ex husband even if it was DD's party alone.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 04/11/2018 21:26

I think in this situation the ex wife is being perfectly reasonable. Your DP can do his own thing for his DD. Why would he even want to go to the party given that it's his ex wife's joint party? I can't think of much else worse!

sizzledrizz · 04/11/2018 21:26

The pair of you sound quite entitled

Anasnake · 04/11/2018 21:27

The ex is right

Catmum26 · 04/11/2018 21:28

it’s odd that they are having a joint party and you’re probably correct that the ex is making it about her but it’s odd that your DP would want to attend a party that most likely is for his ex wife’s benefit. i could understand more if it it was a kiddy party for his DD only but it’s not and as he is seeing her on the evening of her birthday anyway i dont see why he needs to attend the party? it would be different if he had paid jointly towards the party but i’m presuming he hasn’t and therefore i can understand his ex not wanting him there.

Nicknacky · 04/11/2018 21:29

I don’t see what’s odd about a joint party and quite right the ex is making it about her. It’s her 40th!

MimiSunshine · 04/11/2018 21:29

Dont be daft. It’s not an actual joint birthday party for a 9 and 40 year old. How do envisage that actually working?
Champagne cocktails before or after pass the parcel?

ExW is having a 40th birthday party. As it coincides with her DDs birthday I imagine she’s said DD can invite some friends or she herself has friends with children the same age as DD who she is friends with.

They’ll also sing happy birthday to DD and they’ll probably have two cakes for them both but i can almost guarantee that the party will be in a nice adult venue rather than a soft play hell hole.

Your DP can do something with DD when he’s with her and if he wants to do a party on his weekend then I doubt DD will object to a bit more fun and birthday cake

Taylor22 · 04/11/2018 21:30

He needs to organise his own party. If she is paying and organising then she has no obligation at all to involve her Ex Husband.

Snoopycomehome · 04/11/2018 21:31

He can do his own party for her. Leave the exw alone. And be suspicious of any man who bangs on about how difficult his exw is.

CottonTailRabbit · 04/11/2018 21:31

He can arrange an actual 9th birthday party for her. Wouldn't that be a lovely thing to do? Does he know who she would invite? What kind of party would she like? How long has he got to arrange it?

Of course the party doesn't have to be on her actual birthday, he can throw it on his next weekend afterwards.

Doubling up on parties and Christmas is one of the perks of having divorced parents.

Darkstar4855 · 04/11/2018 21:32

I wouldn’t expect him to be invited to a party thrown by his ex. He can have his own celebration with her.

My partner’s son spends half his birthday with us, half with his mum and we each have our own celebration with him (and partner and ex have a very good co-parenting relationship).

Tahani · 04/11/2018 21:32

I'm with the ex w as well, I don't think he should go

CryingMessFFS · 04/11/2018 21:34

The ex-wife is right, he can do a party for his DD in his own time. There is no reason for the ex-wife to invite your DP

GemmeFatale · 04/11/2018 21:34

If he’s seeing his daughter on the actual day why isn’t he throwing her a party if you think the one provided by mum isn’t child focused enough?

HeddaGarbled · 04/11/2018 21:36

I think your partner should talk to his daughter and find out what she would like to do with him to celebrate her birthday. You could do something on the day of her birthday, for example invite some of her friends round for tea or go out for tea, or you could do something on your next weekend with her e.g. cinema, swimming or other activity with her friends or just a family day out of her choice.

If his ex has had enough of including him in the celebrations she organises, it’s time for him to start organising some of his own.

Howhot · 04/11/2018 21:36

I'm with the ex here. He can make his own plans with his DD for her birthday. I assume he hasn't contributed to the party in anyway?? He could arrange his own.

Cranky17 · 04/11/2018 21:39

I really can’t understand why he wants to go in the first place, why nor do something in the evening with her.

And being 40th trumps being 9

GunpowderGelatine · 04/11/2018 21:40

I'm with the ex too. What does he need to be there for? Have your own little party, take her somewhere special.

FWIW I don't think a joint party is weird I know loads of kids around that age who'd be up for that!

BackforGood · 04/11/2018 21:40

Of course YABU.
She is having a 40th birthday party. With her firends. she doesn't want her ex dh there, obviously.
She may have said her dd can invite her friends along too, but in essence this is her party, obviously.

Your dp can arrange a separate party for his dd on another day.

nameneedschanging · 04/11/2018 21:40

I remember my ex thinking he should come to my ds’s birthday party , that I was arranging paying for . He should just turn up like a guest appearance . Errr no .

This!! I invited my ex to the DCs parties and resented me spending all the time and effort organising it, inviting their friends, cooking the food etc. then him turning up (sometimes contributing some money towards the costs but never physical help) and expecting a lot of credit and making me uncomfortable.

ExW is perfectly reasonable not to want her ex at a family event, it's not as if it's just her school friends or anything but her own family and friends. Not something I would want my ex for.

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