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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP's ExW is wrong to not invite him to his DD's birthday party

53 replies

Loveacrumble · 04/11/2018 21:16

My DP has been divorced for two years and has two DC with his ExW. She has always been very difficult, despite their divorce being a mutual decision.

Next week is his DD's 9th birthday which also happens to coincide with her 40th birthday. She has decided to have a joint party and refuses to tell my DP where or when it is and has made it clear he is not invited.

He is very upset as he is close to his DD (and DS) and has them once a week and every other weekend. Her argument is that it's her party and it's up to her if she doesn't want him there. And he has his DD for a couple of hours in the evening of her actual birthday and could do something for her birthday then.

Firstly, I actually think it's pretty out of order denying her DD her own birthday party and making it more about her - she's 9!

Secondly, shouldn't she be putting any bad feeling about my DP to one side for once and let him come to the party so her DD can have her dad there?

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 04/11/2018 21:42

He can organise his own party not just expect to turn up at the party his ex organised and paid for. If I split with my husband he could do the work himself not expect me to put together a party and he gets to turn up.

Giantbanger · 04/11/2018 21:43

I’ve never invited my ex to my birthday party. And if he wants to do a party for the kids he can carry on that’s up to him. No way would I ask him in that situation.

buckeejit · 04/11/2018 21:46

Yabu - who wants their ex at their birthday party?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 04/11/2018 21:47

Sorry, totally agree with the ex. I organised and paid for all my children’s parties post-divorce, so why does he get to show up and lord it over us? It’s not how divorce works. He can organise his own party - the invites can say ‘no gifts’ to avoid any issues over multiple invites. She will love having two parties.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/11/2018 21:47

Why on earth would the ex wife want her ex husband at her birthday party (unless they had stayed friends etc obviously).

If your DP would like to hold a birthday party for his daughter then there doesn’t seem to be anything stopping him.

SoupDragon · 04/11/2018 21:47

You're wrong and the ex is right.

SoupDragon · 04/11/2018 21:48

Is this a reverse?

WhoWants2Know · 04/11/2018 21:57

To be fair to the ex, most of the mates I would invite to my birthday party have children who are friends with my children. If my birthday was near either of my kids, I would totally save money by having a joint party at home.

I wouldn't invite my ex. My friends (who are also my kids' friends parents) wouldn't especially want to see him, and I'm pretty sure he'd rather burst into flames.

Rednaxela · 04/11/2018 21:59

YABU

Tell DP if he gives so much of a shit about what his 9yo wants, he can plan and organise a lovely day out to spend quality time with her.

MajesticWhine · 04/11/2018 21:59

I agree with everyone else. There is no need for him to be at this party. He can arrange a party for his DD entirely separately if he wants. Or just take her out for her favourite meal to celebrate. No need for any angst.

BackInRed · 04/11/2018 22:00

Arrange your own party. I wouldn't want any of my exes at a party for me or to hang out ever actually.

RavenWings · 04/11/2018 22:01

Well, if its a party that involves dds friends rather than just family and the dd would like her dad there, then the ex sounds like a right wagon and yanbu.

Poloshot · 04/11/2018 22:04

I agree with her, and why would he want to go anyway. He should just do his own thing with DD

smallchanceofrain · 04/11/2018 22:05

Of course the ex doesn't want him at her 40th birthday party. It will probably be a lovely event for her and DD to share with close friends and family. Why does he want to be hovering in the background like a bad smell?

It's not unreasonable for a 9 year old not to have a big party. By that age some are too old for soft play hell or a children's entertainer in the village hall and would rather do pamper party / cinema / meal out / sleep over type stuff.

He could plan a party for DD himself, or a special birthday day out. Why does he want to freeload and probably ruin something his ex has arranged and paid for? Sorry OP YABU.

Graphista · 04/11/2018 22:24

1 none of this is any of YOUR business anyway

2 party is presumably happening on her time with her dd so again nothing to do with you OR your dp.

3 party is also presumably being PAID for and ORGANISED by her so yes she gets to decide who's invited.

4 nothing stopping your dp stepping up and PAYING for and making the effort of ORGANISING something for his dds birthday on HIS time. Rather than jumping on the coat tails of his exw expense and effort.

YABVU!

As a general thing - it's HIGHLY unlikely all the difficulties regarding the divorce and post-divorce are all her fault, usually there's blame on both sides.

"And be suspicious of any man who bangs on about how difficult his exw is." Absolutely!

2128Cl · 04/11/2018 22:26

You said yourself, he'll have her for a few hours on her birthday and can do something then - sorted! I wouldn't want an ex at my birthday.

carriefinn93 · 04/11/2018 22:39

I think a lot of people here are missing a key thing- it's not about the ex wife it's about the dd.

My partner goes to all his kids parties thrown by the ex wife (and contributes cost). She used to not invite us but the kids didn't understand why their dad wasn't at their party. They wanted him at their party and if he wasn't there they didn't understand about adult relationships etc they just thought he didn't want to come.

SnipSnipMisterBurgess · 04/11/2018 23:02

I’m divided here. I’d exclude ex from anything to do with me. I’d include on a birthday party for a child. I wouldn’t conflate my party with a child’s if it specifically excluded her dad, which is the case here. I’d suggest Dad takes the daughter and a few of her friends bowling/cinema/zip-lining on his time; that way nobody loses out.

Bluebell878275 · 04/11/2018 23:22

Organise your own party with your SD's mates..I don't know why you assume anything else? No matter what my SD has organised with her mum we always sort our own thing.. wouldn't think of anything else.

TheFivePointPalmHeartOfTafiti · 05/11/2018 08:34

Well you’re supposing a lot of things here - firstly that the mother is denying the daughter a solo party, the daughter may well have been up for a joint birthday bash, and secondly, that the daughter is bothered about her dad being at the party, it sounds like the kids may be used to their parents’ lives being very separate.

I don’t think it’s remotely strange to have a joint party - in our family, my son’s birthday is in the same week as 4 members of his immediate family so there’s often joint parties/meals going on. I imagine the ex wife has gone to some trouble and expense to organise a nice evening with her family and friends, I think your DP can let her have that - especially since he is free to organise whatever party he wants on his daughter’s actual birthday.

Sciurus83 · 05/11/2018 08:45

Lord no why on earth would she invite ex to her 40th?! They'll have a bit of early cake and a few other friends for DD, have your own party! YAB....totallyU!

Whereismumhiding2 · 05/11/2018 08:45

Agree with all the PPs on here, who are by far the majority!

ExW is being perfectly reasonable. Its her 40th and for whatever reason DD and she have chosen to have a joint one
She's not stopping your DP from arranging his own birthday party for DD! He should just get on with it and not try to hang on her coat tails! How do you think the rest of us single.parebts manage?!

DP sounds possessive of DD when a simple solution is within his reach. I'd be unimpressed if my exH tried to muscle in on my 40th using DC as an excuse! You even say he has DD a couple hours in her birthday!! What a no-brainer.

@Graphista puts it so well.

Alfie190 · 05/11/2018 08:46

It is you that is being extremely unreasonable. The party is for her 40th too, which most people see as wuite a milestone, why on earth would she want her xH hanging around. He will see his daughter on her birthday so if he is that keen an going to a party he had better get organising in. Honestly the cheek of the pair of you!

PikaPikaTink · 05/11/2018 08:53

Dp and his ex organise their children's parties together and he'd be quite upset if he was no longer allowed to go. However neither of them go to each other's birthday celebrations and wouldn't expect to. I think the issue is that his ex has decided to have a joint party.

I do think it's a shame that his daughter is missing out on having her dad there because of his ex's decision if she wants him there. I agree with other posters that your dp should organise his own where she can invite some friends.

Regnamechanger · 05/11/2018 09:00

She's right, you're wrong.

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