"I don't like children"

[ladybirdees]

Quote unquote DHs stepmother at Sunday lunch last time her and FIL came to our house. My two children 5 and 7 looked utterly confused. This lady is a fairly outspoken confrontational sort in general but as she's getting older it's all becoming more nasty and unnecessary. FIL visibly shrinks in his seat when she does these things. He's fairly quiet and even more so in her company but loves to spend time with his grandchildren he really comes out of his shell. AIBU it suggest FIL comes to see his grandchildren solo if stepmother is so anti kids. Surely it would be better all round? Thing is she's super controlling of him, won't even let him have a private conversation with DH she always makes FIL have the phone on speaker. I doubt she'd be ok with FIL coming over on his own. The whole thing seems ridiculous though as she clearly doesn't want to be there and now my children are at an age where they understand what she is saying. I don't like it. Any advice?

Nothing wrong with saying you don't like children. I don't! But I also avoid situations where I have to be around them haha. I would get your FIL to tell her she doesn't need to feel obligated to come - she may be grateful!

She said this in front of your dc?

I actually think it's unacceptable to go around saying "I don't like children". Just as it would be unacceptable to say "I don't like women" or "I don't like French people" or any other group within society. Fine not to like poor behaviour or public tantrums or whatever, but not liking children? Stay at home, then. Or at least STFU with your obnoxious and antisocial views.

Saying it in front of children? Just as rude and socially inept as making a racist or misogynist comment in company, and deserves the same contempt.

Saying that is fine sometimes, other times not. SMIL makes rude remarks and she's unkind to her DH.

Seeing FIL seems in order. Think about how to arrange that.

Obviously don’t see her anymore. She sounds horrible. Not someone I would have any time for.

Beware op, my sm said this. And my df no longer sees any of us. He saw my first dc but no more. Since she decided she wasn't a real dgm.
He was too much of a coward to defy her and visit us.

Sounds like he's well under the thumb. DH will have to have a word with him - if SMIL doesn't like children, she's quite welcome not to come. He's welcome to come on his own though. If he doesn't want to, how is he ever going to see the dgc?

Id be tempted to say "you dont like children, and none of us like you, and yet here you are, repeatedly coming to visit the grandchildren"

Yes, she was sat next to them. There were 6 of us at the table including the children. It was a tumbleweed moment. I have no issue with her personal decision not to want children but I think she needs to keep her "dislike" of children to herself when little ones are around. I'm not sure how they would make sense of that one.

I'm really happy for OH to suggest to FIL that SMIL might feel happier doing something else and that we have no problem with that. I guess I'm worried about throwing an unnecessary bomb into family affairs but I'm glad you all think it's not an acceptable either. It's not just this either, she went on some awful Trump stylee rant too and when I pulled her up on something she called me smug. I can't face hosting her anymore. FIL in so lovely though I'd hate to make his life a misery, I'm sure'll she'll have a lot to say about this suggestion...

Oh Santa that's so sad. That's what worries me. DH relationship is already a bit strained with him thanks to her.

Of course it's wrong to say you don't like children, in front of children who are old enough to understand! She sounds awful.

Absolutely fine for her to not like children- I don’t and I really can’t stand babies- but no point in her unnecessarily spouting views that may upset/offend others.

If she’s in a “anti-children” club, fine. With others- parents etc- why would she deliberately antagonise them?

As someone with a similarly outspoken (to put it politely) relative, I rather like Branleuse's suggestion!

Is she the type you could railroad by replying "oh what a shame, why don't you go for a coffee and pick dfil up in a while"? I realise this doesn't tackle the whole problem but just wondered if it would catch her off guard and let everyone save face, which sometimes helps.

Not being grabby but just for example, df won big on the football pools when I had dc - enough he bought them a house outright - none of us saw a penny.

I don't think she's the type to be railroaded sadly, she'd definitely go for the showdown option which I'd rather avoid but I won't keep quiet again. I'm not confrontational but I'm no wallflower either - it's just when faced with such sheer rudeness and antisocial behaviour I was dumbfounded.

I wonder what the answer is. It's so hard dealing with people like that, isn't it?

It's a horrible thing to say in front of kids.

I don't like children except for my own...I guess it depends on:
Does she not like any children?
Does she dislike your chikdren as they are difficult?
Does she not like your children due to a lack of biological connection?

Well, she has fired the opening shot so it's time to plan your strategy. It sounds like she is looking for a row so don't give her the opportunity. She would probably storm out and demand that her DH never speak to any of you again.

You could go down the humorous route: "Were you frightened by one at a young age?"

Or you could ask her straight out why she latched on to a man with children - does she think it's a competition? (add smile/tinkly laugh.) If she gets snotty continue to smile and just say "Ah, well, not everyone can 'do' family, I suppose."

She sounds horrible.

Nevertheless for your dh and his df, I wonder if next time they come you could engineer an activity to do with her just for the ladies and suggest dh and FIL take the dcs out for a play in the park or whatever.

weird that she said it out loud in front of two small children. call her the child catcher from the chitty chitty bang bang. Play the film. that film used to terrify me. we had an old great aunt who used to shshshshsh me and say "'im talking'' and I called her the childcatcher. behind her back obviously! I showed her that courtesy!

Unacceptable!

Train the DC to reply with "that's ok, we don't like old ladies either" next time!!

How rude of her to blurt that out in your DC's home right in front of them. She clearly has no social skills and I would of spoken to her there and then had this happened on my home. The conversation would of went something like
'I understand not everyone likes children but given the fact you are in my children's home can you please refrain from being so rude about them'
I definitely wouldn't be allowing her to see them if that's how she feels and is vocal about it. That could potential damage DCs self esteem

I actually think it’s unacceptable at any time to say that.

Imagine if someone said “I don’t like old people”!