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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I don't like children"

78 replies

ladybirdees · 04/11/2018 21:06

Quote unquote DHs stepmother at Sunday lunch last time her and FIL came to our house. My two children 5 and 7 looked utterly confused. This lady is a fairly outspoken confrontational sort in general but as she's getting older it's all becoming more nasty and unnecessary. FIL visibly shrinks in his seat when she does these things. He's fairly quiet and even more so in her company but loves to spend time with his grandchildren he really comes out of his shell. AIBU it suggest FIL comes to see his grandchildren solo if stepmother is so anti kids. Surely it would be better all round? Thing is she's super controlling of him, won't even let him have a private conversation with DH she always makes FIL have the phone on speaker. I doubt she'd be ok with FIL coming over on his own. The whole thing seems ridiculous though as she clearly doesn't want to be there and now my children are at an age where they understand what she is saying. I don't like it. Any advice?

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 05/11/2018 12:39

She sounds like a blunt, insensitive person but lots of people say they don't like children when what they mean is they are not used to them. Many people are actually scared of kids!

As long as she doesn't interfer ewith Grandad wanting to know his grandchildren, don't worry about it. However a tactful word suggesting she is more tactful in future would not go amiss.

chocatoo · 05/11/2018 12:41

I think you should say 'well I don't like nasty old women, but I am too polite to say so'.....

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 05/11/2018 12:51

I’m not mad keen and I had three of my own 😂

There’s nothing wrong with not liking children, some of them are horrible and they are known carriers of disease.

Bloody outrageous to say so though at your table. Has anyone suggested the MN classic “Did you mean to be so rude?”

Cautionsharpblade · 05/11/2018 13:00

She sounds a right cunt but there’s a lot of ageism on this thread

HellenaHandbasket · 05/11/2018 13:03

What, all of them? Every single one? How can she possibly know?

Sarahjconnor · 05/11/2018 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oakenbeach · 05/11/2018 13:38

Imagine someone saying this...... I don’t like children... never have! I also don’t like disabled or black people for that matter. Wish my DP would have more sensitivity and didn’t drag me along to events with his family, some of which are black and disabled.... Hmm

Obviously what I wrote above is NOT true. I have no problem with children, disabled or black people as groups at all! Hopefully I’ve made the point how grossly offensive it is to have these blanket views on groups of people, especially to voice it in their presence! Thankfully, racism and disablism is (generally) no longer tolerated in society (at least openly)... however it seems some rather stupid people can’t make the connection that prejudice is wrong fuel stop, irrespective of whether a cultural taboo is in place.

Cautionsharpblade · 05/11/2018 13:42

Children have a set of characteristics in common that a lot of people - including parents - don’t particularly enjoy. How this equates with a racial group is beyond me.

slappinthebass · 05/11/2018 14:07

My step mother used to say the same thing. Eventually, my siblings and I didn't want to see her anymore, but unfortunately she put her foot down and said he couldn't see us on his own, so we never did again. I've heard similar stories to this many times. I think it's way out of line and anti social. Lots in Mumsnet will flock to say it's 100% ok to say you don't like children, but it's not. You keep it to yourself. Just like nobody announced they don't like old people at their grandparents. I think you should speak to FIL alone and see if he would agree to see the children without her but prepare yourself he won't.

AnnabelleLecter · 05/11/2018 14:09

We have a former close relative who was horrible to DD.
After a couple of nasty comments I answered with "Thanks for that you have helped me come to a decision."
Then with the scissors they had handed me, I completely cut her off.

Littlecaf · 05/11/2018 14:22

I think you probably need to say “oh that’s a shame, seeing as they live here. You are welcome to pick FIL up later, shall I call you when he’s ready to leave?”

My DSGF (dear step grand father) was like this. He used to say whenever we visited my GM “go away you nasty children”. My DB and I hated visiting them. We were always impeccably behaved. ( my GM was lovely, she just married a shit).

Littlecaf · 05/11/2018 14:27

I think the person who likened saying “I don’t like children” is like alienating or discriminating against a group In society similar to saying “I don’t like gay people” is spot on.

mumsastudent · 05/11/2018 14:57

(designing Christmas card - with evil queen - snow whites step mother- looking at mirror …) you need a photo of her (evil grin)

Knittink · 05/11/2018 15:09

Children have a set of characteristics in common

Really? Which ones? I've been a teacher for over 20 years and I'd say children differ from each other aa much as adults do. You might try and argue that old people possibly have a few things in common too, as do people from certain cultures. That doesn't mean it's ok to say you dislike them as a group.

Cautionsharpblade · 05/11/2018 15:16

Every baby, toddler or small child I’ve met has cried, shouted, interrupted, been clumsy and had no craic. Perhaps I’ve been really unlucky never to have met the small children who aren’t like this, and then I’ll change my mind. Until then, I choose not to spend time with them as far as possible

MadMum101 · 05/11/2018 15:20

I would have shot back with 'well you were one once, I bet you were a horrible little brat'.

Something I've often said to obnoxious adults who have tutted or made comments about my DC behaving like children.

She sounds like a toxic person OP. Don't inflict her on your DC unless she can behave. I'd tell your father you feel this way. Your DC don't need to be exposed to someone like this within their own home.

KHPett · 05/11/2018 15:21

How old is she? You mention this is becoming more frequent, have you thought about it being an early sign of dementia?
As my mother aged, she became very controlling and dominating of my father. She also started to say totally outrageous things. A few years in, it was obvious that things "weren't quite right", but in the early days she upset a lot of people who didn't realise it was a sign of her illness.

Moominfan · 05/11/2018 15:23

Fair enough not everyone likes children but to say it like that is mean spirited. Dementia or just plain mean? I'm not keen on the elderly tbh when I worked in call centres they were the rudest. Hated a young person telling them no or something they didn't agree with

Oakenbeach · 05/11/2018 15:24

Children have a set of characteristics in common

As do disabled, black and gay people Hmm

Is it ok to say “I dislike disabled people because I find it annoying they can’t do stuff ‘normal’ people can”? Hmm

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/11/2018 15:25

@Jux Julia @Jaynes9, that was also my first thought, inappropriate comments, lack of insight into behaviour etc is suggestive of early stage cognitive decline.

Same here, it's not normal to blurt out something so rude. I do hope that's not the case, but it could be.

If she WAS just being rude, it's such a ridiculous statement anyway, as children are individuals. I like some of DD's/DS's friends more than others, just as I prefer some adults over others.

Cautionsharpblade · 05/11/2018 15:27

Maybe I’m well out of order then but I don’t like children. Don’t mean them any harm and I don’t tell them either. Trying to liken it to racism or homophobia isn’t going to make me enjoy their company any more or any less.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/11/2018 16:02

@Cautionsharpblade

It's a very sweeping statement, though, isn't it? No two children are the same, they have different personalities, interests, etc., just like adults. OK, babies and toddlers may seem similar to a outsiders, but older children are individuals.

I'm sure you'd like at least some children if you had a conversation with them!

Cautionsharpblade · 05/11/2018 16:23

I have plenty conversations with kids thanks. It’s not changed anything

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/11/2018 16:45

@Cautionsharpblade

So at what age do people become interesting?

I'm not having a go, I just find it strange to completely write off all under-18s as unlikeable because of their age. I think I'd really miss out if I didn't connect with people of various ages.

Anyway, enough said.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 05/11/2018 16:51

It's not that I dislike children in general, I just cannot abide certain characteristics that are common to so many of them. Yes, I was one once, so what?

Having said that, it is rude to accept an invitation, knowing that there would be children there then come out with that. Surely you'd either bite your tongue or just not go?

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