"I don't like children"

[ladybirdees]

Quote unquote DHs stepmother at Sunday lunch last time her and FIL came to our house. My two children 5 and 7 looked utterly confused. This lady is a fairly outspoken confrontational sort in general but as she's getting older it's all becoming more nasty and unnecessary. FIL visibly shrinks in his seat when she does these things. He's fairly quiet and even more so in her company but loves to spend time with his grandchildren he really comes out of his shell. AIBU it suggest FIL comes to see his grandchildren solo if stepmother is so anti kids. Surely it would be better all round? Thing is she's super controlling of him, won't even let him have a private conversation with DH she always makes FIL have the phone on speaker. I doubt she'd be ok with FIL coming over on his own. The whole thing seems ridiculous though as she clearly doesn't want to be there and now my children are at an age where they understand what she is saying. I don't like it. Any advice?

She sounds pretty dreadful but you need to work out what you want to achieve next time she says something so rude. Do you want to tell her off? Punish her? Just not see her again? Ignore her? Stand up for your FIL?

It’s a difficult situation because while having a row about her rudeness might be tempting it could make things worse in the long run.

I don’t like children. I’ve never enjoyed their company and am always relieved when they’ve gone away. I don’t think it’s unacceptable to admit this in private - they’re just not everyone’s cup of tea.

However I wouldn’t be so rude as to say it in their own home to their little faces.

Your husband’s stepmother made the decision to marry a man with children and grandchildren. She’s put herself in this position so she should either suck it up or let FiL see the kids on his own.

If she's rude just be rude back.

Explain to the dc she's like the wicked step mother in a Disney film. Tell them to ignore her and have fun playing with grandad.

Greensleeves

I actually think it's different from saying you don't like another gender/race etc - children grow up!

I'm not generally a fan. Specific kids are alright. But the existence of smaller people I can't swear in front of who limit the time I can spend with my adult friends? Not a flawlessly executed concept in the grand scheme of things! Heck, I wasn't wild on children when I was a child.

(lighthearted-ish - I think it's a bit OTT to get dramatically defensive of children, a number of whom will grow up to dislike children themselves, as if they're some kind of marginalised group)

Unless your FIL has dementia or other vulnerabilities I don’t think he is blameless in all this. Why are you infantilising a grown man? He’s perfectly capable of telling his own wife that he wants to speak privately to his son, or see his grandchildren. Yes she is a rude bitch (Love the idea of training the kids to say “we don’t like old ladies either”) but he is hiding behind her to mask the fact that he doesn’t care either- if he did care he’d take a stand.

I can sort of see her side a little.

If she doesn’t like children then really her DH and her SS (your DH) should be keeping your DC away from her and trying to stop them bothering her.
Maybe she felt they were ‘getting in her face’ and felt saying she doesn’t like children, I.e. please keep them away, was her last resort?

I know they are your DC in their own home but maybe she thought she was doing the best thing by visiting you but just felt overwhelmed by the DC.

Maybe your FIL wanted her there so put pressure on her to go even though she isn’t happy around children?

Maybe she had a lot of miscarriages or Still born babies and now says she ‘hates children’ rather than have to go through the pain of explaining and your DC (or any DC) are just too much for her?

Maybe she didn’t want you to say she was standoffish because she never visited or was creating a divide in the family and doing a ‘pick me’ dance because she didn’t want to be around your children so sucked it up and visited you but found it too much?

There are so many reasons she might have behaved the way she did.

She absolutely shouldn’t have said anything in front of your DC!

I can understand you love your DC more than anything and think they are absolutely wonderful but she doesn’t and she doesn’t need too, that’s not a reflection on you or your DC. You need to try and not take this as a personal attack and realise it’s her problem.

How awful that she said that in front of your young children! Her partner's grandchildren?! Unbelievably rude and spiteful. Why didn't he say anything??

She would not be welcome in my house again.

Tell FIL the truth about why and continue seeing him separately.

I agree that your fil should be taking some responsibility here. He is the one who has brought her into your lives and is allowing her to be rude and dictate his relationships with his son and dgc. He can't be that lovely if he isn't dealing with this.
Next time I think you should just say outright that her comments are inappropriate in front of your children and that no one is forcing her to visit.
You have to advocate for your dc and not stand by and allow them to be treated as unimportant, esp in their own home.

If this ultimately results in your fil choosing not to visit, then that is on him.

It’s fair enough not to like children and I doubt yours will develop a complex because someone announced it in front of them.

I don't particularly like children, but I do not say so in front of children or even in front of adults with children. So I rarely say it in fact.

I actually vividly remember a number of people saying to my mother right in front of me that they hated children when I was a child.

A few of them it was just upsetting and confusing because they were not people I knew well but one in particular I remember was a woman I had liked, an old friend of my parents. It was very hurtful.

I don't know what would possess somebody to be so rude. Surely they can't actually think that children aren't real people with feelings who can hear and understand what is being said right in front of them.

Tell the children if they hear her say it again to respond, "we don't like you either".

Why didn't you actually say something to her OP?

Well Stepmother, whether you like children or not, you are sitting next to mine and they are listening. I'd be grateful if you filtered your opinions in their earshot, because it will confuse them and I don't want them taking your general remarks personallly. Completely understand if that's too much to ask, if so perhaps if you would allow their grandfather to visit them alone, and we can all catch up on a more adult-friendly basis at other times. I'd far rather see you if you are happy to be here, not out of a sense of duty."

I dislike most 'people' to be fair.

I keep that info to a very select few though :D

Dementia? Is it an early sign? Loss of inhibition.

Happened often in my childhood and my friend's childhoods, maybe it was more normal back in the 60s. Anyway, it was always explained - either by mum later or the person themselves at the time - that it didn't include children the person actually knew, just random unknown children.

My son's teacher told her whole class she did not like children when she started and not to come too close to her! He was 8. It was very confusing for him and scary.

@Jux, that was also my first thought, inappropriate comments, lack of insight into behaviour etc is suggestive of early stage cognitive decline

I actually think it's unacceptable to go around saying "I don't like children". Just as it would be unacceptable to say "I don't like women" or "I don't like French people" or any other group within society.

^This 100%

Children can be difficult to like but it is important to nurture them and care for them so they don't grow damaged

I think you are right OP. Your DH needs to have a quiet word with his dad and explain that this can't continue and that he will have to sort something out in order to see the children on his own.

Is she a Roald Dahl villain?

Itnwas the perfect opportunity to retort with a "and we don't like sour-faced ratbags and yet here we all are, having a lovely meal together. More gravy?"

Ok she was out of line if it upset the children. Mostly this phrase comes with an unspoken equivocation, except for family. So if you were going to say anything at the meal it should have been a quick “present company excepted of course , haha”.

So 2 ways forward, one is to discuss it as a family and agree it should be cleared up at the next dinner. A quick discussion that allows her to say of course she likes them because they are special.

Then ask her if she genuinely wants to have less time with them in a non judgmental way. Maybe wait till they are older. Otherwise your hubby can speak to his dad. A pint down the pub and agree it is ok for her not to come or if she does come have less exposure. There is a win win here if you play it correctly.

There’s lots of affirming grouchy old people and children movies you can watch to help the kids understand. Up for a start. Make light of it.

I don't think it's acceptable to say it at all tbh. Children are just young humans. We were all children once. It's fine to say you don't like a category of humans based on their behaviour (e.g. I don't like rude people), but saying you don't like a category of people based on an innate characteristic beyond their control, like their age, race, sexuality etc is pretty unpleasant. It also implies that all children are somehow the same, which obviously they aren't. The same way old people are not all the same.
What she hoped to gain by saying it in front of you all, god knows. It's deliberately rude and spiteful.

Is she an ex-teacher?

As a guest, it is the height of rudeness to offer uninvited criticism of your host's lifestyle, family or home.