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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost it with FIL?

118 replies

FrangelicoCandyBoughs · 04/11/2018 21:03

I feel like a backstory is definitely needed in order to tell whether I have BU or not.
FIL and I have never really got on, me and DH met at 15 and I’ve always sensed that he thinks I’ve ruined his sons life. I’ve always got a vibe that he wishes I wasn’t with him when we’re together, when I first met FIL he’d always do little sly things such as not buying my a drink but buying everyone else one or making jokes about me breaking up with DH. He never made me feel welcome, never made conversation with me or anything. Me and DH married young and FIL always disapproved, said we were wasting our life etc. When I gave birth to our eldest DC, FIL told DH that he was very happy he had a grandchild he just wished it wasn’t by me. DH told him that it didn’t matter, he loved me and he wouldn’t have him talk about me like that.
Over our relationship (11 years in February) FIL has made me feel like an outcast, I always feel on edge around him and would much rather be home. I’m quite an emotional person and am always close to tears around him, I just feel very uncomfortable.

We now barely see FIL, we live miles away and only see him on holidays or at family events. He’s very weird around my children, I don’t see any love towards them. He jokes about them being girly, when really they’re just normal little boys. He criticises how me and DH raise them (but only blames me) and says we’re not being harsh enough. I’m very firm with our boys when I need to be, but I don’t believe in shouting or hitting, so if they ever play up around FIL I’ll usually just take them away from the situation and explain what they’ve done wrong. Our DC aren’t badly behaved at all, they’re very polite but of course they’re children and will push boundaries. Anytime they do this in front of FIL he will shout at them and say things like ‘obey your father’. Every time we’re with him it usually ends with us leaving early to get DC away from him.

I’m pregnant again and due Christmas Eve but am having an elected C-Section so will most likely have DC around the 17th. We have 3 other children aged 6 and 4 year old twins. I really want a relaxed family Christmas, just me, DH and the kids. I will still be recovering from a C-section!. FIL called up a week ago and asked us to come down from the 23rd until Boxing Day. DH said no, we will have newborn and we won’t be travelling nearly 3 hours (that’s without stops) to visit you. He also mentioned my c-section. FIL then said ‘it’s her 3rd one, she’ll know how to recover!.’ He then made a joke about me not being woman enough to give birth naturally. It really upsets me but I do suffer with anxiety, depression and PTSD, on top of that I have a tilted cervix so giving birth naturally is possible but would be quite complicated and I don’t want to risk it. DH told him that it wasn’t an option and hung up.
Tonight FIL called and asked if he could drive up to us for Christmas as driving seemed to be the main issue, he said he’d stay in a hotel if we payed as he has no problem sleeping on our sofa but knows I wouldn’t want it. I told him no, I really don’t feel up to entertaining this year, it’ll be stressful enough introducing a new baby to our family and recovering from birth so I want a quiet Christmas with family. He then told me that it was a classic case of being being a jealous bitch and not wanting DH to see his family.
I lost it unfortunately and told him that I’ve loved his son for 11 years and want him to be happy, I have no problem with DH seeing his family and we see them as often as possible. I told him I was fed up of being pushed out and hated by him purely because he doesn’t think I’ve allowed his son a life, and if his idea of a life is drugs, drink and sleeping around then he should be glad DH didn’t do that. He ended the call after calling me a pathetic c**t.

Now I feel really bad for losing it. I know it’s going to cause trouble for DH and I didn’t want that for him. I can’t stop thinking maybe I am just jealous and want DH to myself but logically I know that isn’t true. MIL (who is separated from FIL) has called after SIL told her about it and has been nothing but lovely and said she knows I’m not jealous etc. But I know it’s going to be spread around the family and DH already feels like a black sheep anyway. So my question is WIBU and how do I fix this?.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 04/11/2018 22:07

What a really, really lovely husband you have. I'd love to have a husband who had my back like that.

WhyAmISoCold · 04/11/2018 22:09

Thank goodness your DH stuck up for you, as he should. Your FIL is vile and your rant at him was long overdue. Well done for calling him out on his shitty behaviour. Enjoy your cake and your quieter Christmas as a mum of 4.

sazzle27 · 04/11/2018 22:11

Didn't want to read and run; your FIL sounds like a right piece of work and well done on putting up for so long!!

Your DH sounds lovely and supportive and glad to have read such a great outcome for you all - enjoy your cake!

Serialweightwatcher · 04/11/2018 22:12

What's to fix - you were well within your rights to say what you said and you were a lot nicer than I would have been, but I would have done it 11 years ago - stick to your guns, have a great life and don't engage with him ever again - if your DH wants to see him and you are willing, don't talk to 'it'

Branleuse · 04/11/2018 22:13

Your dh sounds lovely. At least his dad showed him the type of man he doesnt want to be

ContessaGoesMarchingDOWNTOHELL · 04/11/2018 22:13

Your DH is a decent sort, op it's odd to think that he came from the exact opposite! Do not feel guilty for a moment. Piss-takers tend to get angry and accusatory when you stop accepting their behaviour, but that does not mean that you should go back to letting them take said piss.

Serialweightwatcher · 04/11/2018 22:14

Sorry stopped too soon - that's if DH ever changes his mind which is a possibility in the future but for now enjoy your freedom

Flowerpot2005 · 04/11/2018 22:14

Think it's high time this evil old goat saw your metal girl, go you!!

You do this every time from now on, no more rolling over & feeling not good enough. HE isn't good enough to be around you & your family.

Elliss2018 · 04/11/2018 22:16

Good for you OP! What an absolute twat! Glad that you've got a good one, enjoy your cake 🍰

Skittlesandbeer · 04/11/2018 22:17

Glad things have calmed down, may they stay that way.

Just a thought to add though... reading your backstory, it seems that your DH has a habit of passing on a lot of insults from your FIL, heard during conversations between the two of them? There’s really nothing kind or productive about doing that. I hope it was down to your DH being so young, and not realising that it would be so hurtful for you to find out. Agreed, your FIL did/said some insulting things directly to you as well, but his son hasn’t covered himself in glory by enabling and reporting the other stuff.

This need for him to be peacemaker has been very expensive to your mental health. He needs to be told that his loyalties must lie with you and the kids, and to put an end to this to-ing and fro-ing with his toxic dad.

It all sounds satisfactorily resolved now, with your DH telling FIL you’ll all go NC, but I worry for the future. Will your DH be able to hold his nerve? Even though I’m sure you’d prefer to put this horrid episode behind you all, stay on alert for DH’s softening of position and be ready to remind him of the boundaries he has set and why he set them. Buy him the Toxic Parents book for Christmas!

In the meantime, all the best with your birth!

SukiTuki · 04/11/2018 22:18

Yanbu and I would have cracked long before. Sell done for standing up to the bully. Well done to your husband for being so supportive.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/11/2018 22:18

I'd go full NC- you don't need this, and nor do your children. He will destroy your sons' confidence calling them "girly". "Girliness" (whatever that may be) is no guarantee of either sexual orientation in adulthood, or of toughness when faced with the trials of life)

And if either one is gay as an adult (something that has nothing to do with apparently being "effeminate") your horrible FIL will make his life hell! Your children are what they are, and need to grow up in a respectful atmosphere.

You have put up with more than most people would have - let him complain to anyone who'll listen. Just ignore.

And as for this
he said he’d stay in a hotel if we payed

You can tell him to stuff that for a game of soldiers! Does he really think that you will pay for him to come and treat you like shit?

What a knob!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/11/2018 22:24

I should have read the full thread - well done, you and your DH - your children will be the greatest beneficiaries of your going NC.

DishingOutDone · 04/11/2018 22:24

I think you are both fantastic for telling the old bastard where to go but I to worry it won't end there. Protect yourselves and your little family OP.

BewareOfDragons · 04/11/2018 22:48

Sounds like you have a lovely, supportive DH.

You did the right thing, and so did your DH in backing you and telling his father he was done with him.

Ellie56 · 04/11/2018 22:57

Agree absolutely nothing to fix here. FIL is a vile toxic bastard and being binned off has been a long time coming. You don't need this arsehole in your life. Don't think any more about him and have a lovely peaceful Christmas with your family.

Vixxxy · 04/11/2018 23:10

YWNBU at all. What a pathetic nasty person your FIL sounds.

Vixxxy · 04/11/2018 23:10

YWNBU at all. What a pathetic nasty person your FIL sounds.

GabriellaMontez · 04/11/2018 23:18

I'm just sorry you didn't do this years ago.

Threeminis · 04/11/2018 23:23

You have fixed it op. Good on you. You're work here is done 
Enjoy your cake - bet it was so much sweeter

Maelstrop · 04/11/2018 23:30

You’ve been very patient with this wanker, OP. Well done! Your dh sounds like a brilliant bloke. You are absolutely right and it’s past time you went no with this hideous person.

Graphista · 04/11/2018 23:52

You didn't lose it you just gave him some much needed, long overdue home truths!

In your position I would be Nc from now on AND include the children in that. As you've already noted he doesn't treat the children well and they don't need to be repeatedly exposed to that. His loss from his own actions.

Don't feel bad because he's caused this not you.

It's rare for people to meet their life partner so young, but it does happen. If dh has made clear to him he's happy then he should have accepted that and at the very least treated you with civility if not actual warmth.

Glad it's all sorted well done to you and dh - if dh is like me he knows the calmer he is the more twats like your fil hate it because they're not getting

A a rise out their target

B any ammunition to use against their target

Totally takes the wind out their sails exactly the right way to do it!

VenusInSpurs · 05/11/2018 00:06

Good for your DH.

The mad cheek of the man: would come if you paid his hotel!!’

DH may ofay not want to be in Jc tact with his Dad at family occasions etc, which is fine, his Dad, up to him.

justilou1 · 05/11/2018 01:27

Bet it won't be long before you hear from SIL with some twisted version of events via FIL....

SleightOfMind · 05/11/2018 01:35

Aw, your DH sounds lovely and so do you.
This is a total happy ending. While it might be a bit uncomfortable around Fil, his GF and Sil, it’ll be a darn sight better than having him pitch up at Xmas when you’re fresh from having a new baby.

You’ve dodged the bullet brilliantly and, like all bullies, he’ll probably be nicer to you now you’ve stood up to him.
Hope you have a lovely Xmas with your new little person and no horrible old bastard to spoil it!

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