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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice: AIBU with DS over school school

57 replies

Nickersnackersnockers · 04/11/2018 13:31

He is 11. Needs a new pair of school shoes, has had a massive growth spurt. He refused all the school shoes in the shop and chose a pair of men's dress shoes. Like you'd wear with a dinner jacket. We said no.

Tried compromising, and showed him the kids version with a thicker sole, but he says if he can't have the ones he likes he doesn't want any. There were 140 pairs of school shoes on the website but he won't budge.

We explained he does a lot of walking and cycling and pointed out he comes home blathered in mud every day from lunch times fighting with his mates and playing football etc.

This will end in tears, and they'll most likely be mine. WWWD?

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 04/11/2018 13:39

If buy a pair of school shoes and say he can either wear them or wear his too small ones.

Neverender · 04/11/2018 13:42

I'd find a max of 6 pairs and tell him he has a choice from those. And only those. If he doesn't choose, buy him some anyway.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 04/11/2018 13:43

Agree with above. He can choose from a selection you give him or you choose.

RB68 · 04/11/2018 13:44

I wouldn't get them - let him go in and face the consequences if he has no shoes. Sorry but he is manipulating you.

RedSkyLastNight · 04/11/2018 13:45

"DS, I am going to buy you a pair of school shoes. All of these (wave hand at as big a selection as you like) are appropriate. Choose which ones you would like. We will only consider others if none of these fit."

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/11/2018 13:45

Can you find suitable shoes in the men's section rather than school section? He's either decided he's too old for kids' shoes or he wants the dress shoes for another reason (his best mate has them, the girl he fancies likes them).

Shoes that are too small won't kill him. Just hurt a lot. He'll work it out when his feet hurt. Grin

Ellie56 · 04/11/2018 13:46

Why are you letting an 11 year old child call the shots? Tell him if he doesn't choose from the school shoes you will choose for him. End of.

ShawshanksRedemption · 04/11/2018 13:47

Let him continue to wear his too small school shoes until he agrees to wear ones you think are appropriate, particularly as you are paying for them. If he wants the dress shoes, he can pay for them.

redsummershoes · 04/11/2018 13:48

yabu
buy a pair that fits well and adheres to uniform code.
doesn't matter which section of the shop they come from.

Santaisgettingbusy · 04/11/2018 13:49

My dc have grown up being told nobody likes school shoes just choose a bloody pair!
Ds is a size 12 at 14 and choice is limited. He gets from Asda mens @£25 and last all year - coz hoping feet have stopped growing now!!

MicroManaged · 04/11/2018 13:50

Tbh I think you’re doing too much explaining and compromising.

Take him the laptop now, open to the right page. Tell him he has ten minutes to choose a pair or not only will you choose for him but (consequence) - this would be the removal of Xbox/cancellation of football training in my house.

I’m more than reasonable and fair with my dc...but I won’t put up with endless haranguing or arguing over trivial shit tbh and would long ago have shut this drama down.

WorraLiberty · 04/11/2018 13:51

I'd buy them for him

Life's too short and they're his feet after all.

68Anon · 04/11/2018 13:51

Your son is 11 years old, you're paying for the shoes, yet you're allowing him to choose them.

Let him choose from a selection that you think are sensible and appropriate otherwise make him wear the small shoes.

redsummershoes · 04/11/2018 13:53

and yabu for buying shoes online. they need trying on to see if they fit properly.

drinkygin · 04/11/2018 13:55

WorraLiberty- yes but they’re totally inappropriate for school and from what the OP says, will be destroyed in about five minutes. Would you replace them every time they were ruined as well?

AuntieStella · 04/11/2018 13:56

Is he in primary or secondary school?

If primary, lay down the law. If secondary, find out why this is so important to him - issues about fitting in with peers? Only then decide what to do

(if middle school, steer a middle course between those options)

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 04/11/2018 13:57

Depends how much they cost - I'd be inclined to buy the ones he wants plus a more sensible pair. I'm not a fan of going too much against what young people tell you - as long as what they want isn't dangerous or too dear etc, I'm inclined to let them have what they want, gently letting them discover the consequences and talking it through afterwards. I don't like to be too controlling, because I've seen what happens to kids with overly controlling parents - they often end up married to narcs, IME. Not saying that any PPs are overly controlling! Just explaining why I'm inclined to lean the opposite way.

MacosieAsunter · 04/11/2018 13:58

You may say that this shelf are the appropriate shelf of shoes he can choose from, but he'll be canny enough to tell you that they all hurt, pinch, don't fit and no parent is going to buy ill fitting shoes.

Play the long game. But I would phone school and explain the issue - the issue being he wants inappropriate shoes for school. He will tell school his current shoes hurt and you won buy him any new ones. Always best to head off these phone calls .

MacosieAsunter · 04/11/2018 13:59

redsummershoes Sun 04-Nov-18 13:53:09 - and yabu for buying shoes online. they need trying on to see if they fit properly.

The Op was showing him similar shoes, not ordering them

Highlights12 · 04/11/2018 14:00

Dress shoes will probably not last long. I wouldn't buy them.

BertrandRussell · 04/11/2018 14:00

How much are the shoes? When da went to secondary school he didn't want to wear obviously school shoes any more-he wanted the sort of shoes men wear to work if they wear a suit. So we got him shoes from the men's department at Matalan and just replaced them a little more often- but not much more often while he was growing weed-like. Maybe three times a year instead of two? And

BertrandRussell · 04/11/2018 14:02

Can you show us the ones he likes?

SD1978 · 04/11/2018 14:04

Does he get pocket money? You've explained why the shoes are unsuitable. He's insisting. Buy them and explain that if they become too damaged to use, the cost of a new pair will come from his money. Learning consequence is never a bad thing!

Topseyt · 04/11/2018 14:06

I remember just such a stand-off with my DD1 years ago when she needed new trainers for school PE. She wanted me to buy a £100 pair but I refused as we could get what she needed for about £25., and perfectly good quality too.

Don't give in. Tell him that this is the range you are prepared to buy from and he must make his choice from that.

Maybe I am old fashioned, but I prefer to buy shoes in a shoe shop too, as I find that they really do need trying on and that is such a fact if you get it wrong online and have to send them back. Buying from the shop means you can get it right straight away.

InfiniteVariety · 04/11/2018 14:07

Surely he should have whichever pair fits well? Don't you need to go and try them on rather than ordering online? If you do that, the issue might fall away if he tries them on and they are uncomfortable