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Need advice: AIBU with DS over school school

57 replies

Nickersnackersnockers · 04/11/2018 13:31

He is 11. Needs a new pair of school shoes, has had a massive growth spurt. He refused all the school shoes in the shop and chose a pair of men's dress shoes. Like you'd wear with a dinner jacket. We said no.

Tried compromising, and showed him the kids version with a thicker sole, but he says if he can't have the ones he likes he doesn't want any. There were 140 pairs of school shoes on the website but he won't budge.

We explained he does a lot of walking and cycling and pointed out he comes home blathered in mud every day from lunch times fighting with his mates and playing football etc.

This will end in tears, and they'll most likely be mine. WWWD?

OP posts:

Witchesbritches · 04/11/2018 14:08

What’s shop were you in?

Clarke’s have a few pairs that look like men’s business shoes rather than chunky kids shoes.


cardibach · 04/11/2018 14:09

DoAs you would be inclined to buy the ones he wants plus a more sensible pair ? Really? Expense clearly not an issue for you then...


Jux · 04/11/2018 14:18

Tell him the dress shoes have no grip so rubbish for running, and are rotten for kicking so no football.

Or tell him they're far too expensive but if he's invited to a wedding you'll think about them.

Why on earth does he want them anyway? Is there some cool kid in Y12 whose got some?


Jux · 04/11/2018 14:19

who's of course


NotTheFordType · 04/11/2018 14:19

If he started secondary in September, worth digging into whether there's some low level bullying going on about having the "right" footwear.

I remember when I was at Primary, I couldn't care less what I wore in or out of school, nor what type of bag or backpack I had, so long as it was comfortable.

Transitioned to Secondary and within 2 weeks I was a nervous wreck wondering if I had "acceptable" shoes, uniform (if you hadn't cut the label out and/or if your mum had written your name inside you were a total loser), were knee socks acceptable during winter or should it be ankle socks all year round (the latter, apparently), and finally the all important WHAT BAG ARE YOU CARRYING?
Handbag with shoulder strap and no adornments - probably OK as long as either black or red or dark blue at a pinch
"Jelly" bag (this was the 80s) - Acceptable, but you had to then consider what happens when you put sanpro into a see through mesh bag...
Carrier bag - you're poor and probably smell bad
Official school bag - hoots of derision and said bag will almost certainly wind up in a tree or on the roof of the music block by home time.

If you had transgressed on any of the above rules (plus any number of arbitrary ones) then you would not be allowed to sit with the popular girls and would have to eat lunch alone and everyone would know how sad you were.

Jesus this was 35 years ago and I can still feel the anxiety now.


DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 04/11/2018 14:26

@cardibach expense is an issue, but if the shoes are a tenner a pair, I wouldn't argue over it - if they are 100 a pair, obviously I would just get one. But I would be going to a shoe shop, absolutely.

My folks never had much spare cash, and I was youngest of a big family, but they would occasionally let me get the impractical shoes/bag I had my heart set on, and let me see for myself why the item wasn't really sturdy enough. They were nice about it, and it definitely taught me how to choose well when it came to having money of my own.

I think listening to young people about smaller things can pay dividends in other ways. But we all have different parenting styles, and I know


DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 04/11/2018 14:26

--I'm a bit soft sometimes 


Flashingbeacon · 04/11/2018 14:32

Like a dress shoe? Or an actual dress shoe?
If they are just men’s shoes that would go with a suit if just buy them and let him deal with sliding all over the place. Men’s shoes should be built to be worn everyday too.
If they are a formal evening shoe find a similar pair in the men’s dept.
Ds is going to school in Chelsea boots at the moment because they are the only thing that fits that he doesn’t hate.


cardibach · 04/11/2018 17:10

I don’t think it’s about soft, DoAs. I can be soft myself and I get what you are saying about listening. Shoes are expensive and important, though. I doubt they are £10 each.


Nickersnackersnockers · 04/11/2018 17:32

Here are the shoes. Money is not an issue. Being sensible is. We did go into the shop for his feet measuring.

Thanks for all your opinions, most of you are thinking along the same lines as me.

OP posts:

Omzlas · 04/11/2018 17:43

My DH would wear that kind of shoe with a formal suit for a formal work meeting

They wouldn't last 5 minutes being worn by a teenager

I'd narrow down the selection and offer to buy one of those. I also second the suggestion of him buying them with his pocket money, if he gets it

I'm all for kids having autonomy but there's a fine line. And they're £60! For school shoes!? (Can you tell my oldest only just started primary school?)


BertrandRussell · 04/11/2018 17:49

As I said-my very active ds wore shoes very much like that but much less for quality and they were fine. I'd let him have them. If it's a mistake he can get something different when he grows out of them.


RedSkyLastNight · 04/11/2018 17:52

I actually think they look fine for school shoes and the reviews suggest that most people have bought them for everyday wear (or school).

OP - Is your DS perhaps thinking that the "hardwearing" shoes you have picked out are a bit babyish for secondary school?

I'd buy those shoes for him tbh (and if he's at the growth spurt stage you'll probably have to buy another pair in a couple of months, so they won't have time to wear out :))

Omzlas once your DS grows out of children's shoes which happens about Y7/Y8, prepare to pay a lot more for shoes!


Dahlietta · 04/11/2018 17:55

Most of our sixth formers wear shoes like that. Not so many of the younger ones do, but I don't really see the problem.


Candlelights2345 · 04/11/2018 18:01

At my DS schools, that’s the current ‘in’ style. No one has thick soles, blunt toes (more robust shoes.) I had this argument for 2 years with my DS then gave in.
Basically they are trashed quickly but I make him wear them until they fall apart.


redsummershoes · 04/11/2018 18:16

they look fine imo.
if they fit well I would buy them for him


DanielRicciardosSmile · 04/11/2018 18:23

They look ok to me. My DS (nearly 14) wears a similar pair to school and, far from being wrecked, they've lasted fine - no signs of wear and tear so far since September and he has a 25-minute walk each way to school and back.


Nickersnackersnockers · 04/11/2018 18:28

This is one of the alternatives I have offered.

And another

OP posts:

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 04/11/2018 18:29

I don’t think they are dress shoes for wearing with a diner jacket. They just look like men’s work shoes and similar to what my son wears to the office everyday.
I wouldn’t have any problem with them for school either.

Show us the ones you want him to have?


Disfordarkchocolate · 04/11/2018 18:30

Those are the pair the my son chose when he started Y9, they are sturdy and well made and still look very smart.


Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 04/11/2018 18:31

Whoops crossed posted.

I can’t see the problem as your choice are a very similar style but without the pattern in the upper.


ChristinaMarlowe · 04/11/2018 18:37

Personally I'd just get the shoes so long as money's not an object - you've said it isn't, OP.
If it is that's different.

We are pretty liberal with labels and styles so long as school don't mind. It matters to them and I remember being the sad kid, it sucked massive balls.

If you cant afford it obviously needs must, if you can, it seems important to him. Are there chores he can do toake it up? Or full effort on homework?

I agree with @Worra life's too short.


MrsStrowman · 04/11/2018 18:40

It's the insoles OP the minute he takes them off for PE he will be mocked, secondary school kids are ruthless. If he wants a pair like the first overs just don't get them from Clarks, get them from Matalan, or office have a sale on at the moment, your overall shoe budget doesn't have to change for the year you just might have to replace a bit more often


BarbarianMum · 04/11/2018 18:40

Ds1 wears shoes similar to this. I'd prefer him to have a slightly thicker sole but they wear ok and this is not a hill I'd choose to die on. I'd let him have them. If he kicks them to pieces in 6 weeks he pays for the next pair (or they are a Christmas present).


Nickersnackersnockers · 04/11/2018 19:26

That's a very good point about the insoles Mrs S, I only looked at alternatives on line after the in store disaster. They do look well, red.

One of the main reasons for not letting him have the ones he wanted was all the little pin holes in them. The holes do go right the way through and he has a 4 mile cycle to school. For summer I would have maybe agreed but they just seem so impractical!

OP posts:
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