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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU demanding friends

63 replies

Zippy1510 · 04/11/2018 10:46

I suspect I am BU and this is the 4 hours of sleep talking (DS is a terrible sleeper) but once again I find that instead of looking forward to spending my Sunday with my DH and DS, I’m lying here grumpily anticipating a flurry of texts trying to dictate how I spend my day and me having to plan what I’m going to be cooking for a crowd this evening. Backstory: me and DH moved cities a few years ago as we both got new jobs, we made lots of lovely new friends and had a fairly active social life. Last year we had DS (now 13 months) and since then things have understandably changed. We’ve made an effort to spend time with everyone regularly but as we can’t go out in the evening like we used to this had meant we have been inviting people over to ours more, either for drinks or food. The issue is it seems to have become a weekly event- and even without an invite every Sunday we get a flurry of texts saying “when shall I pop over later” or “what time we be good for a visit”. Whilst we love spending time with everyone- this is getting exhausting. Sometimes I just want to relax with DS before another week at work (me and DH both work full time). AIBU to say I would like to spend the day by ourselves? I find myself making excuses for why we can’t see everyone but each time I’ve done this it’s resulted in them insisting they pop over midweek after work (usually on different days) Which I find difficult with working long hours, feeding the family and housework. What would you say to try and get some space without offending anyone?

OP posts:
LoisWilkerson1 · 04/11/2018 10:49

I can't today, we're going out.
I can't today, I have a migraine
I can't today I'm exhausted
I can't today I'm visiting my relative

Etc, have them once a month or something then you still get a social life.

InstagramPork · 04/11/2018 10:50

If you get texts asking to come over just say
“Not today, DH, DS and I are having a family day”

Copy and paste to anyone who texts

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/11/2018 10:52

They are asking beforehand not just showing up, which is good, so a simple, ‘We’re busy this week, sorry!’ should suffice.

NonaGrey · 04/11/2018 10:55

Just say no.

We are having a family day

We need some time together

I need some peace and quiet.

Friends are meant to enhance your life not drain your energy.

Jinglebells99 · 04/11/2018 10:55

Don’t think you are being unreasonable. Just say you are busy. And suggest you pop in to them instead so they can host.

barleycorn · 04/11/2018 10:56

Can’t you make it a monthly thing, eg not today we’re having a family day, can you come over on (date in a couple of weeks which suits you)?

Puggles123 · 04/11/2018 10:57

Just say I love seeing you all but fancy a relaxing day. If you do enjoy seeing them (which it seems you do) then as long as it doesn’t come across as don’t like spending time with any of you then I’m sure they’ll understand. They probably think you enjoy it too.

HolyMountain · 04/11/2018 10:59

As said above but I’d go one further

We’re going to have quieter weekends coming up to Christmas , we’re knackered and need the family time. I’ll text you soon about meeting up , have a great week.

BewareOfDragons · 04/11/2018 11:22

Pick a Sunday. 2nd Sunday of every month? 3rd?

Seriously. pick a day a month, announce that's your drop in day, and bring a contribution to the party table, and look forward to seeing everybody.

Becles · 04/11/2018 11:22

I'm going to paste your post to the next new parent post complaining about friends dropping the new family.

Weekends don't work for you, so friends offer to drop in mid week. Going out doesn't work for you, so friends come to you. Apart from hosting a meet up tailored to your needs and convinience (as far as people putting themselves out to stay in touch with you understand), what efforts have you made to be a friend and keep communication open?

Proactively set dates to meet, ask your friends how their lives are going (yes they haven't had a child but they have stuff going on too). If you don't want to cook, say so. Suggest that there's a kitty for a takeaway or everyone brings a few bits, or once a month - or just tell them to stop intruding on precious family time; only just remember that you set up the boundaries when you need their support in the future.

Whipsmart · 04/11/2018 11:26

@InstagramPork has the perfect reply. Polite and truthful is the way to go - if you make excuses you'll get people saying "Oh we don't mind, we'll just pop in, you don't need to entertain us / we'll swing by whenever you get back from being out" 

HazelBite · 04/11/2018 11:30

Just say sorry not today I really need to recharge my batteries, so knackered, just need to chill for the moment, hope to see you soon.

I'm sure if they are good friends they will understand.

Feefeetrixabelle · 04/11/2018 11:31

‘Oh sorry we have plans today can we meet the 15th’ and then on that meeting book them in for a Christmas celebration and say ooo it feels so far away but we will have lots to catch up on.

TheFaerieQueene · 04/11/2018 11:40

You don’t need to give a reason. I’m sorry but I can’t do today is fine.

Witchesbritches · 04/11/2018 11:42

Don’t say ‘family day’ or ‘we need to relax’ etc it’s really unfriendly.

Keep it simple and unemotional ‘Sorry, we can’t today, look forward to seeing you soon x’

There’s no problem carving out time for yourselves, but do it in a way that doesn’t alienate people. Saying ‘We don’t want you to come’ whether you say ‘It’s a family day’ Or ‘we need a relaxing day’ implies they’re not close enough to you to be included or relaxing, there’s just no need.

Are there other things you’d enjoy doing with them, like the traditional Sunday walk and a pub lunch? Only when you feel like it of course, but it’s less hassle than hosting.

Or could you look at what you’re doing when they come to you - make easy food, buy takeaway (share the cost) etc.

Look at what you want and change things, but it sounds like you have made some great new friends so tread carefully because they’re worth their weight in gold.

MrTrebus · 04/11/2018 11:45

Wtf they're cheeky fuckers just say you're busy this week,family day whatever or just say no.

drinkygin · 04/11/2018 11:50

I don’t agree with MrTrebus and I don’t think your friends are cheeky fuckers at all. In fact, they seem lovely and to be going out of their way to maintain the friendship. However, it doesn’t mean you are being unreasonable either. Your friends aren’t psychic; just tell them! I’m sure they’ll be a bit embarrassed to have just assumed you’d like to host them, actually. Loads of good responses on this thread. The takeaway ideas is a good one too, actually for when you do feel like getting together. Just be honest, I’m sure they’ll be understanding.

eddielizzard · 04/11/2018 11:59

You're obviously very good at hosting.

I'd say something like 'Would love to see you! Feeling quite ill today though, so come over next Sunday at 5 for a drink.'

Then do that every two weeks so they only come over twice a month. Or however many times you'd like them.

Original poster
Zippy1510 · 04/11/2018 12:05

Thanks for the feedback everyone! There’s definitely some good ideas here. I’m always hesitant about making excuses and saying we are going out, unwell Etc as one friend lives next door so knows if we are in and I work with another 2 so they will always come in for a chat on Monday and ask if I was feeling better, and I’m a terrible liar. I think I’ll just be truthful and say I’m so exhausted I think I’ll be heading to bed not much later than DS and then suggest a time for another get together in a couple of weeks.

@Becles we appreciate our friends that’s why I was like asking for advice on how not to offend anyone. We speak with them daily, I see some at work and we will always make an effort for at least one of us to attend an event if we have advanced warning. We just aren’t as free as we used to be and often can’t respond to the last minute pub invites on an evening. We invite them over frequently, I was just hoping to break the assumption we would be able to every Sunday.

OP posts:
OrdinarySnowflake · 04/11/2018 12:06

"Sorry, can't today, v busy! Have a lovely day! x"

text to every message. You dont need to say why you can't.

Decide what you want to invite people to, invite them beforehand, or perhaps suggest meeting up at a pub for lunch next week - get your invite in early?

Johnnyfinland · 04/11/2018 12:10

I don’t agree that saying you want a family day or you need to relax is unfriendly. Just say no, you fancy a day to yourselves! I never understand why people feel they have to justify not wanting to socialise, it’s fine to just not feel up to it

Owllwo · 04/11/2018 12:11

Will you then be one of those that shares a passive aggressive Facebook post saying something along the lines of:

‘Could have sworn I had friends before I had a baby’

Followed by a ‘this!👌’

Alfie190 · 04/11/2018 12:16

Is it just me that doesn’t have heaps of friends inviting themselves around every weekend. ☹️

eddielizzard · 04/11/2018 12:17

In that case, truth is the best. And you can do it in a kind way without offending.

KC225 · 04/11/2018 12:22

I don't agree with MrTrebus -bthey are not CFs, its lovely that your friends want to spend time with you. There are so many posts about new parents feeling excluded and left out or missing their old life. Likewise, I don't agree with the family day comment either, it sounds so bloody smug, especially if any of your friends are single or don't ha e children. Just be honest OP. Say, sorry can't make today 'DS barely slept last night and I am exhausted, going to have to cancel tonight to catch up on some sleep myself'. Then put in a plan of action - say every other, three or four weeks for the moment.