Aibu to call social services

[Standinguptononsense]

Posting here for advice and traffic. I have a family friend who is in an emotionally abusive and financially abusive relationship. I believe he has been physical before in terms of grabbing her arm etc but not punching.

They have 2 small children. The eldest (5) has nonverbal autism.

He is abusive to her in front of the children. She has recordings of his locking the smallest one in a cupboard whilst she cries hysterically in the dark to be let out. He calls her horrendous names in front of the children.

She has spoken to women's aid and is starting to get help but is still confused as he is sometimes nice.

What can I do to help her.

100% call social services about the children. Your poor family friend.

Tbh I'd be calling Social Services, I understand it is difficult to leave and may take time and more than one attempt, but this child doesn't have the luxury of time.

Call SS.

Other ways you can help:
Keep her documents safe at yours.
Keep a running away bag at yours.
Let her stay if you can when she is ready to leave.
Drive her anywhere she needs to go.
Help set up new bank account for her.

I don't know what to say to be honest.
She's contacted women's aid. Therefore has made the first very brave step. This is just me speaking here and I'm not saying I'm right or wrong, but personally I think those children being ripped away from their mother who is suffering abuse will be even more traumatic for them.
I just pray she has the strength to get away from this cunt of a bully.

The children won't just be 'ripped away' immediately. That's scaremongering, which I don't think is helpful to the OP right now.
If social services get involved and the concern for the children relates to their father's actions, then your friend will be given options (and hopefully help) one of which will be to ask 'DH' to leave.

I'm not saying this would be easy, but I'd definitely call social services in these circumstances. Tell them everything and they will make sure they get to speak to your friend alone.

I’d ring them as it might give her the push she needs to ltb.
Ss won’t take the kids away but she will need to prove she can keep them safe from him if he’s deemed a risk.
Definitely ring them, the children are at risk xx

Please ring SS.

It sounds like the children’s mother is not in the right frame of mind to be able to adequately protect her children right now so please step in and help protect them for her.

I had a neighbour who used to lock up her son. I could hear him through the walls. I phoned the NSPCC who I think worked with the family for a while.

I do think you should phone SS but if you feel you can’t, perhaps calling NSPCC might be another option?

They wouldn't be ripped away no. But social services would rightly prioritise the children being protected from harm ASAP, whereas women's aid will support the mum in a way which enables her to leave for good. Two different sets of priorities. The time pressure from social services may frighten her off (or it may crystallise her desire to leave... but you can't really predict.)

In an ideal world social services would support mum to get support from women's aid, women's aid would have a refuge place available, mum would be in the right mindset to take it up. Unfortunately none of this is guaranteed.

I would definitely give yourself a timescale e.g. if she hasn't made serious moves towards leaving or kicking him out in 6 months then make a report, but there is merit in waiting to see if she can help herself first. Obviously offer any support you feel able to yourself.

Call Them
She is too scared to protect them (I do not judge her and empathise ) but an adult needs to step in x

Thanks for your advice. It was my thoughts too. I have been in a very similar situation but without the harm to the kids. I think this is the first time he has done that. But I also know he is very condescending and patronizing to the children as well. He tells them to grow up etc

Please ring ASAP, her children didn't choose this

One example she sent me was... She was getting ready for Halloween party he was looking after kids in the lounge she was cooking in the kitchen, he had left face paints on the sofa and their youngest had got them all over her and he hasn’t noticed. He told her off and dragged her to the toilet, he was having a go at her and she was sobbing (couldn’t breathe properly sobbing) he said your a bad girl, naughty and said for fuck sake). She finally dried her hands and ran out the toilet and cuddled my legs sobbing, he came in and took her as I went to pick her up and put her up the table sobbing.

I have got her to keep a diary now and record what she can. She's getting finances in order as well.

He keeps saying he's had enough of her and if she doesn't improve he's going

Please don't wait 6 months.

If it was soloy about a woman, yes, you have to wait and encourage, it's her choice to leave or not.

But the most vunerable people here are the children, who have no choices open to them.

Contact NSPCC.
Discuss it with them.

Important that the mother doesn't withdraw from you ,when you're on her side. But the children deserve protection.
It may be that Social Services telling the mother that it is not ok for her children to live with an abusive father will be the push she needs.

YABU if you don't call social services.

Thanks. That's provided the reassurance I need. She feels trapped as he controls the finances, she's a sahm. You know the usual...

Keeping a diary and recording incidents isn't going to help keep those children safe from harm. You need to call the out of hours duty social worker now.

It's escalated today hence my post. I've been encouraging her to keep a diary for a few weeks. In some ways to help her understand as she reads it that he is abusive.

Don't wait. Anything could happen in a few weeks.

You NEEDto phone them.somebody needs to protect those poor kids because she isn't

I won't wait. Don't worry.

Out of hour duty social worker - call them. Don't procrastinate. Those children need moving to a place of safety. They don't deserve this.

Call Children's Services and tell them what you know. I work in a Safeguarding role
and as others have said, the children will not just be "ripped away" from their Mother. The process of removing a child is complex, usually lengthy and a last resort. They will assess the risk to the children and support the Mother to leave her abuser if they find that they are being emotionally or physically harmed by his behaviour.

OP, you need to trust your instincts which are clearly telling you that these children are not safe. I work with a lot of teenagers and young people who are extremely damaged by witnessing domestic abuse in early childhood. They often express that friends, neighbors, relatives etc "must have known" and that they wish someone had intervened earlier.

Witnessing one of your parents being abused verbally or physically is a form of abuse. I was that child and am still having long term therapy to deal with the PTSD. One of the issues in therapy that gave me a lot fo trouble and am still working through is that my abusive father was often nice. I grew up very confused.

I second what redexpat said with her list of things you can do to help your friend and her kids.

Call social services. I don't know where the children being ripped away from their mother came from, but I can assure you that if she has their best interest and safety in mind that will not be the case.

There's a very good book called 'Living with the dominator' available too. Helps victims to see the pattern of abuse, and be less confused as to why he's suddenly 'nice'.