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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to call social services

63 replies

Standinguptononsense · 03/11/2018 19:26

Posting here for advice and traffic. I have a family friend who is in an emotionally abusive and financially abusive relationship. I believe he has been physical before in terms of grabbing her arm etc but not punching.

They have 2 small children. The eldest (5) has nonverbal autism.

He is abusive to her in front of the children. She has recordings of his locking the smallest one in a cupboard whilst she cries hysterically in the dark to be let out. He calls her horrendous names in front of the children.

She has spoken to women's aid and is starting to get help but is still confused as he is sometimes nice.

What can I do to help her.

OP posts:
LizzieBennettDarcy · 03/11/2018 20:25

Whilst you'd have to have a heart of stone to not feel some sympathy for this woman, the reality is that neither parent is protecting those kids.

They need someone to step in, now. Tomorrow could be too late.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 03/11/2018 20:28

What will they do initially. My concern is her safety when he finds out.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 03/11/2018 20:35

If she can’t protect her dc, Yes I would absolutely call social services without any hesitation.

Someone had to help the poor dc it’s not like they can up and leave is it? Why should the dc end up screwed up because if the things they witness, poor dc

Witchesbritches · 03/11/2018 20:37

I wouldn’t.

I would support her to leave him, ASAP (ideally tomorrow), in every way possible.

Going behind her back and reporting to SS could well push her into staying with him and feeling like there is no one she can trust.

What happened today?

Witchesbritches · 03/11/2018 20:42

I honestly wouldn’t take the risk because if they don’t remove him the outcome could be dreadful and from what you’ve said, there’s nowhere near enough evidence to remove him imo.

She has rung woman’s aid, she’s started to get help...help her to do that and take the children with her somewhere else.

Help her, don’t go behind her back. She needs a friend she can trust.

Obviously if she doesn’t get help very very soon then you need to report to SS, but not yet. Try to get her and the kids out first.

Menolly · 03/11/2018 20:49

Please do not wait 6 months. it may well be too late by then.

Locking a child in a dark cupboard is abuse, this on its own is enough to phone SS. Add into that their eldest is a non verbal child with autism and therefore incredibly vulnerable, you need to do what you can to protect them.

Children with autism can be very challenging, he's over reacted to a young child mucking around with face paints (which lets face it is a totally normal thing to happen if they can reach them) how long til he snaps over something his autistic child can't help? little non verbal 5 year old can't even tell anyone what has happened.

To put this in perspective for you, I work in a school, if a child told me they were locked in the dark while crying as a punishment I would be on the phone to SS and treating it as an urgent matter, that is without any of the background in your OP, just as an isolated incident.

Also she has recordings? so she was there? why didn't she let the child out? if she was too scared to protect her own child then that is all the more reason to report it. She is either failing to protect her children or is so badly abused that she is too scared to, either way SS need to know ASAP.

Crazydoglady1980 · 03/11/2018 20:52

Please call SS, the children are at risk and their Mum needs support. Lots of cases where children have been seriously hurt or died involve elements of domestic abuse. What happens when one of the children make it more difficult for him to put them in the cupboard or try to run away when he tries to grab them? These children need someone to stand up for them and if their mum can’t do it, they need another, any other, adult to do it for them!

Valanice1989 · 03/11/2018 20:53

I wouldn’t.

I would support her to leave him, ASAP (ideally tomorrow), in every way possible.

Going behind her back and reporting to SS could well push her into staying with him and feeling like there is no one she can trust.

But it's not about her, is it? It's about the children. They're trapped in this situation against their will.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 03/11/2018 21:08

He made out like it was a game of hide and seek. She did let her out. And tell. Him. But he bullies her.

I absolutely agree with all your points.

OP posts:
gindrinkingmarypoppins · 03/11/2018 21:09

They will talk to her. And give her support to realise that his behaviour is not healthy for the children and leave the bastard.

Witchesbritches · 03/11/2018 21:26

But it's not about her, is it? It's about the children. They're trapped in this situation against their will

It’s about all THREE of them, the kids and her. It will be a FAR better outcome if she leaves and takes the children somewhere safe than if SS rock up, ‘assess’ the situation and bugger off. Do you think he’s just going to say ‘Oh that’s fine love’?

She’s not ignoring it, she’s getting help. Helping her to get out with the children is FAR better than reporting to SS.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 03/11/2018 21:26

She's seeing the lady from women's aid on Wednesday with a solicitor. He keeps telling her she won't be able to cope on her own.

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 03/11/2018 21:32

Ss place mums in refuges all the time. They will get involved soon enough either way.

Also nspcc reports are all well and good but the call handler can't ask any questions as they can't see existing ss information. All they do is pass it on to ss who have to start again.

Witchesbritches · 03/11/2018 21:46

Then keep talking to her and reassuring her she will cope without him. Sit down with her and look at ‘entitled to’ and places to live (if she can’t stay where she is). Keep showing her she will be ok, keep reassuring her you’ll be there with her, all the way.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 03/11/2018 22:07

I am xx thank you

OP posts:
Vixxxy · 03/11/2018 23:01

She has recordings of his locking the smallest one in a cupboard whilst she cries hysterically in the dark to be let out.

How the fuck can any parent think this is ok? I understand putting up with abuse towards yourself because you are confused or willing to forgive, but like hell would I stay with a bastard like this who abuses my children.

YANBU, and I am not sure social services is enough to be honest. Those poor kids, living with an abusive parent like that and another parent who won't stick up for them and get them away from it.

WhyAmISoCold · 03/11/2018 23:10

I was that child locked in a cupboard. I was 2. I've never ever forgotten it. My relative phoned SS without hesitation for what was going on. What the fuck is wrong with you that you haven't done it already.

LilQueenie · 03/11/2018 23:26

either call ss or preferably let her stay with you to keep him away and inform which ever association is needed to help her from there. That may give her the strength to leave and help protect the kids. As mentioned earlier if ss to give the option for her to ask him to leave and he refuses then what? Twats like that don't care. he will most likely refuse and the children be taken over it. I don't trust ss to be honest.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 03/11/2018 23:49

There's nothing wrong with me. But I need to weigh up what is right at this moment in time.

She did stick up. For her daughter and take her out the cupboard. He made it like it was a game of hide and seek and playful. He wasnt aggressive. The kids aren't in immediate danger.

She has a plan and will be leaving with kids. Women's aid and solicitors are already involved. She is speaking to her case worker first thing tomorrow.

OP posts:
TrashyTerf · 03/11/2018 23:54

Please phone the police. This is child abuse. 

LilQueenie · 04/11/2018 00:01

you are correct the kids are not in immediate danger the damage has already started with them believing the abuse to be a game.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 04/11/2018 00:15

I know. I get that. I've been chatting with her all night we have a plan.

OP posts:
Gincompetent · 04/11/2018 08:11

You sound like a great friend @Standinguptononsense She's very lucky to have you.
I really hope she manages to get away from her nasty husband and that she gets the support she needs.

Original poster
Standinguptononsense · 10/11/2018 18:38

Just an update for you..... She's got a place sorted and moves out next week. She's spoke with solicitor and women's aid. Legal aid sorted. Benefits ready to go etc.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 10/11/2018 19:33

That’s such good news. Let’s hope she has the strength to carry it through.

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