To ask if you have control over your kids?

[itsmeagain435]

I just want to know how many of you lovely mumsnetters have control over your kids and what parenting techniques you use for young kids and teenagers please, because mine run wild! thanks to all?

I wouldn't want control over my dcs. We work hard to encourage them to make good choices. I can hear how hippy dippy that sounds, but it's training for adult life. I control the type of content they have online and on tv. I do struggle sometimes, as ds1 has asc. We spend time working on how to manage anger and anxiety and social situations with both dcs. I've read a lot of self help books.

Mumsnet is not a great place to ask as lots of prople seem to expect even 2 year olds should know right from wrong and should obey your every word with no question.

I have a 2 year old, who is - in the grand scheme of things - a very well behaved child.
Never had a full on tantrum. Is kind and polite (most of the time).
Has beautiful manners.
Plays nicely with her toys and others.
Has a feisty, adventurous side too though.
I think I'm just lucky, more than anything I've done in particular.
Would never have a second child... I know I'd never be this lucky twice!
Plus, I'll probably have horrendous teenage years with her

It starts from birth. Build a good positive relationship with your kids. Be interested in them, what they think, how they feel, what they enjoy doing. Enjoy being with them, play with them. Set boundaries for them from the word go to keep them safe. Help them understand they need to treat others how they would themselves wish to be treated.

Not keen on the word 'control' but I definitely aree with Shawshank's philosophy.

Strict boundaries, enforceable consequences. I listen to them and encourage them to question (in a polite way) instructions if they don’t agree or understand why. I explain why I want them to behave in a certain way. I have two DD’s (7&9), both very different but their behaviour out of the house is exemplary, in the house we can have sulking/tantrums but not loads xx

Yes, but mine are under 10!

I have very clear expectations and use a lot threats and bribes

I also expect the same standards of behaviour from any other children I have at my house and I treat them exactly the same. Some people think I’m really strict but children who visit my house are far better behaved at mine than they are at home and both my children are happy. I truly believe strict enforceable boundaries leads to happier children as they know what is expected of them.

I wouldn't want control over my dcs

When I read the title I wondered how far I would have to read to come across this sentitment, never expected it to be the first words!!!

Mine are young primary age. They mostly do as they're told and follow rules and routines. They're mostly fine when out and about. They're not usually cheeky or rude. Like anyone else though, they do sometimes make the wrong choices. They do sometimes misbehave in that they'll make a mess and not tidy it up or they'll run around the house after being told a few times not to or bounce on the settee despite knowing they're meant to sit still on there. So far, touching wood, they're sensible on the whole. I like to think that that's because they're good children who toe the line because they want to rather then because they're afraid of me and of the consequences if not.

Yes but I use it wisely! Verbal control over my 7 yo, physical control over my 2 yo (ie stopping him hitting). I let a lot of things go and pick my battles carefully. So they know that if I say no etc I REALLY mean it. They are wild at home but are complimented for their behaviour in school because in general they are self motivated to follow rules.

Influence yes, control no.
Be interested and listen.

DD15 - absolutely - she doesn't have a rebellious nature and while she now makes many decisions herself due to her age she has never been 'difficult' to parent - if she was an only or I had 2 like her I would likely be one of those smug parents who thinks that anyone with wild children must be doing something wrong

DS13 - whole different ball game! - incredibly difficult to get him to do anything he doesn't want to do and it often isn't worth the effort as he will spoil it for every one else if he doesn't want to be there - I pick my battles and as long as he attends school and keeps out of trouble then I that is enough - I have control of him in the sense that I can usually stop him doing stupid things but I can't force him to do things he doesn't want to do

I don't feel like I have 'control', but DD isn't too bad most of the time. Especially when out and about. She's much worse at home (not sure what that means, TBH).

I don't always acheive it, but I strive to parent as in the book "How to Talk to Kids so Kids Will Listen and LIsten so Kids Will Talk". It was very helpful. There is a whole chapter on 'generating compliance', which is super useful. It also has bullet point summaries of each chapter, which I scanned and have left around my house for refreshers. Maybe time to read the book again...

Define control? Mine can run rampage a little at home, scavenge for food at any good ventilation opportunity and definitely backchat/have selective hearing at times.

But they're 8 and 6. That's what they do! Out of the house I can take them anywhere and trust them to behave appropriately.

I wouldn't say I have control, but I generally have their cooperation. I want them to want to follow instructions. I occasionally have to lay the law down, but there's always a good reason for it which I explain at the time, or later, as appropriate.
Apart from the 2 year old. The 2 year old is an arse . I try to do the jolly along, make things fun, allow a certain amount of choice etc, but there comes a point when needs must and he just has to be bundled up under an arm and marched along (after fair warning and a last chance depending on the amount of sleep/patience I have left).
But you can't just sweep them up when they are 8. So it's cooperation I'm after, not control.

Good ventilation?!😂 given opportunity that's meant to say

Not a hope in hell. I do, however, have control over the wifi password

DD is great. Especially at school and in public. At home she can be a bit of a pain in the butt but it's within normal limits. Mostly down to her than me because she's a fairly easy going,eager to please kid. I found ways that worked with her from bribery to naughty step to consequences. Different things worked at different stages .
Except when she was a baby...nothing worked then.

I guess. They're generally good kids. But they have their moments! They're teenagers and 11. Nothing too bad, mainly fighting and arguing with siblings drive me mad. They're good at school.

They do help round the house. They moan about it sometimes, but they do it.

No idea what I did. I'm pretty laid back though, and they seem to have inherited that.

I count to 2 a lot. They seem suitably afraid of 3 so as to never let me get to it. I’m not sure what used to happen at 3 but the threat of it keeps them in check.

Like murmuration I read HTTSKWLALSKWT when they were younger, and aspired to a lot of that - and a lot of it worked! We’ve been butting heads with DS1 (âge 11) a lot recently, so I dug it out to reread, and it’s definitely still a good one for older kids. I’ve got into some bad habits - saying No in the first instance a lot, lecturing and not listening, correcting too much, quizzing him etc. So I’m working on that.

Neither run wild though (not so far). Strong, consistent boundaries and consequences when they break them.

I feel like I have absolutely no authority over my son (2.10). Luckily he's well behaved, compared to most! I've said this to my mum though, and she said she felt like she has no authority over me and my sister, yet I remember always feeling like I had to obey her, not scared of her exactly, but that she was on the strict side. So that made me feel better!

As our sons are now 16 and 20 we try to keep the lines of communication open.. They've always been taught right from wrong - we haven't always got it right and they aren't angels - but they know we will listen and try to help and so I do think they trust us.. I've been told stuff I really didn't want to hear but am glad they feel they can tell me. And it doesn't all work all the time so don't despair, just look for a different angle 😊

I'm prepared to admit I have absolutely no control over my two children. They swear, they drink alcohol, I know one of them is smoking, they are sexually active, and they go out and come back as they wish.

Mind you, they are 40 & 38 and both have their own homes, so I suppose I can't really complain.