To ask if you have control over your kids?

[itsmeagain435]

I just want to know how many of you lovely mumsnetters have control over your kids and what parenting techniques you use for young kids and teenagers please, because mine run wild! thanks to all?

I suppose it depends what you mean by control?

I don't think parents should control their kids because that implies a lack of free will and I don't think that's a parent's role. We're there to guide and support them, not control them. Control implies that you're in charge and/or influencing heavily on every decision they make and I don't think that's right.

But I'm being a bit wanky because I guess what you mean is how you make sure they stay within acceptable norms/boundaries of behaviour - that's a different thing IMO.

Like most people it's a combination of things - mainly conversations and modelling what we want (includes being respectful towards them and apologising when you fuck up), then prevention of things which would be unwanted when they are little and/or steering towards the accepted alternative. Warnings and consequences when older, always followed through - never threaten something you don't mean, if you do so in anger, retract and apologise ASAP and state the real threat. DS1 is only 10 so we haven't hit teens yet - but we are clear that freedom to go out, have friends over, have a phone, use the internet, games consoles etc are dependent on him being responsible with those and they can be retracted if he is not. Obviously that will become more difficult the older he gets, but it's OK for now.

Reward is more effective than punishment, and appealing to their intrinsic motivation is more effective than reward. If you can get them on the same page ie wanting the same as what you want it's much easier to get them doing the "right" thing. Pick your battles and decide what you really want. Save punishment for serious things you really can't solve any other way and you'll never have to do anything really draconian. Kids shouldn't fear punishment IMO, it should be something which is inconvenient or annoying at most.

Noting their triggers and having reasonable expectations is a huge part of it too. Lots of kids who "run wild" are being given too much freedom and/or aren't getting some need met - you can't expect a toddler to behave well if they are bored, hungry, tired or missing social interaction (too much TV/not enough attention from parents) - in fact this is relevant right up to about the age of 10. Boredom stops being an excuse from about 5, but only if you teach them - it's not really fair to expect a kid who has always been entertained to suddenly entertain themselves without whining or finding inappropriate entertainment.

Does that make sense? Happy to elaborate on any point.

Exactly as @furry says my aim is to keep relationships strong and communication open, whilst demonstrating that the family rules are there for a reason. I have no wish to ‘control’anyone over that. My friend had a very authoritarian upbringing. Her and her brother have not fulfilled their potential and me has a mental health condition

Yes, I do. I have two dds, 8 & 10, who are well behaved.
I don't think I've ever really done anything particularly. We spend lots of time together, and enjoy each other. Very unstressed, unshouty house. I wouldn't tolerate bad behaviour, it would be totally non negotiable. They know that.
I'm not actually sure what I would do if they did behave badly; it's not happened so far. (I'm well aware it'll come at some point!).

Correction.
Dd2 did have a tantrum once when she was 3 or 4. My reaction was one of bewilderment, kind of 'what on earth are you doing?' I went on about it for a while afterward, because I was genuinely confused as to why she'd done it, (she's a bright, kind girl who tried to get her own way (wrong and unkind in this instance) by tantrumming, and it made no sense) and I think by the time I'd stopped banging on, she was fairly embarrassed about it too.

Yes and no. I have 2 sons age 7 and 4. When I have just one of them they usually behave beautifully. Put them together and it generally descends in to a nightmare! They are generally fairly riotous at home as well, mainly as they constantly wish to fight each other. However, I’m told they behave beautifully at school and nursery so I guess I’m doing something right.....
I don’t really have any specific techniques, I usually feel I’m just muddling along to be honest!

My sense of being in control of my DSs' behaviour is hanging by a thread right now......Usually the 8 year old can now be relied upon to behave sensibly and cooperatively, although there are still awful levels of moodiness, backchat and fighting with his brother at times, but the 3 year old, until recently fairly well behaved, has just gone feral. Running round stark naked giggling hysterically and calling everyone a "big poo" is the order of the day, along with throwing, hitting and just generally being a little gitbag. I have been forced to deploy the full arsenal- naughty step, counting to ten ("or I will do my Mummy dinosaur roar". This is so terrifying a prospect that he always complies ), withdrawing the right to eat his Halloween sweets, etc.etc.

I have a 4 year old DS who behaves very well. I think that's largely just his nature though.

Although having said that I think the key thing is we always stick to our word with punishments or rewards. Ignore tantrums/whinging. Consistent boundaries/expectations of behaviour. But on the whole I think he's naturally pretty well behaved and doesn't have a sibling to get hyped up with.

It’s a lot to do with just how the children are I think and also how you model yourself.
My 2 are the best behaved children I know and they are honestly my greatest achievement and they make me so proud everyday. But they are placid children. They’ve never had tantrums, never hit, bit or slapped anyone, I never have to ask more than once for them to do something etc. But then, me and my husband are very chilled out people. The children I know who are highly strung and naughty tend to have highly strung and neurotic parents.

Thank you to all you lovely Mums who have confirmed that my two are absolutely normal. If I’m being honest I use the word ‘control’ about my parenting because of the situation I’m in and feeling not in control of my own moments. It does however seem harder with my DB as he is a little ‘character’ and my eldest DD is also coming into Puberty so hates me breathing at the minute, so of course I contemplate my failure everyday. But like all parenting there’s always those glimmers of hope and happiness that wash away everything and makes you smile through the worst of it!

Be their parent and not their friend. It's okayfor them to dislike you at times (it probably means you're doing your job), and above all be consistent.

I'm amazed and jealous of those who kids never/rarely have tantrums. Mine started tantrumming at 11 months. Absolutely none of the advice about tantrums worked for a pre-verbal baby (and she wasn't verbal until well past 2, either). It was clearly some kind of instinct thing and not controllable by her in any way. I think I even posted on MN in desperation at the time. 5+ years later and I'm better at handling them.. and she's actually capable of rational thought and so can talk about things when not in the throes of one, and we can set out expectations and behaviours she can try when overwhelmed. But, oh, wouldn't it be lovely to have no tantrums...

I do have control but only via the PS4’s threatened withdrawal. (And I have carried out said threat so they know I’m not all words).
And loving boundaries etc, obvs.

When pps say their child never has tantrums do they literally mean never?!!! As in even at one or two years old? I have an 11 month old who’s tantrumming already and a two year old who melts down most days.

I’m really calm and consistent for the most part, they get lots of 1-1 attention, I’ve read all the “gentle parenting” books etc etc. but the tantrums are exhausting. I was comforting myself by thinking it’s just a phase that every child goes through but now the previous posters have shattered this illusion! Do most kids have tantrums?

@Prefer have a tantrum next to them. On the floor kick your legs and wail.

@Prefer
Yes, dd1, now 10 has never had a tantrum. Dd2, now 8, had 1. I think it's just their nature. So, I know not every kid has tantrums, but I think lots do.

@prefer my 4 year old and 2 year old have never had a tantrum.
But yes tantrums are entirely normal! Nothing to feel bad about.

I very much agree with the pp who says that much of it is nature rather than nurture

Re nurture I’m uncomfortable with control - especially as my DC are now 15 & 12. I don’t want to raise compliant robots, I want to raise people who make their own choices and decisions based on experience and wisdom.

Boundaries are important, but as they get older discussion and shared decision making need to be learnt IMO. Of course there are some non negotiables.

But control once they’re at secondary isn’t the right word I don’t think.

I wish parents did control their teenagers! I had a group of teens who spent the best part of last night banging my door down waking my kids until 12:30 pm. One was scared as they were already scared of fireworks. So yes control is needed. I.e don't let them out running wild unless they have an actual destination to be at. Because leaving them to it 'as training to be an adult' doesn't cut it for me. I know most teens are good. But that group of 20 in my small village were the opposite. Loud music. Swearing running in the road. Police not interested as they run off! I'm calling the local sec9ndary school on Monday complaining and asking them to remind the pupils about respect I know they can't do anything but they can at least do that. And I don't give a hoot about the not in uniform not their problem shit because I will not leave it be!!! Sorry as you can tell I'm thoroughly pissed off, pregnant and been woken up after 3 hours sleep by 3 kids. One of which is still upset.

Tantrum is a pretty negative word. To me it suggests something calculated - I want xyz and I’m going to kick and scream until I get it!! - which I don’t think is the way they necessarily see it. I chose to see it as them losing control, overwhelmed with emotions and anger and not being able to handle it. This makes it easier to stand to one side and say “I’m here for a cuddle when you need it”, and to sympathise rather than punishing them for something they can’t control. DS1 is a drama llama by nature, always has been despite DH and I bring pretty laid back: it’s just the way he is. Being able to wait out his meltdowns, and give him a cuddle afterwards, was better than punishing him every time. That would be such a negative cycle to get into.

Notfair - sounds awful.

I think that’s lack of boundaries.

Taffeta. Possibly. Or just lack of respect . A 3 year old would know not to bang aggressively over and over again on a strangers door. One time I thought it had stopped settled down and bang bang bang. Jumped out of my skin. Spun around ripped the curtain open and the window and shouted to then to stop it. They ran away. But i dropped my ph9ne down the back of the sofa. Had to take the sofa apart to find it as it 9nly had 3% and husband away! It's a weird sofa! Posted on our local th page and they had all been to a house party and police called there but not interested in us! I hurt my stomach from spinning around against the sofa so quickly. Teens can be lovely and equally little shits. I'm only 26 and me and my friends would have been horrified if one of our friends had been doing this.

Sorry awful spelling. Not enough coffee!

Again, I'm not sure I like the word control, but perhaps it's the right one I don't know.

Mine are almost 15 and just turned 12 and are pretty good. We talk a lot. I encourage them to think through their choices and use their common sense. I think more parents need to stop pussyfooting around their kids, trying to be their friend and be their parent instead. I'm not their friend, they've got friends as have I, but I'm their mum and will guide them as best I can.

Saying that I did have one friend who was an angel infront of her parents and was a little shit outside so I guess some parents wouldn't have a clue!

Think one of the best things is from as early an age as possible, teach them about understanding their feelings & how to manage them if needed. Give them a good sense of what's right & wrong. Teach them respect & show them respect too.