To ask if you have control over your kids?

[itsmeagain435]

I just want to know how many of you lovely mumsnetters have control over your kids and what parenting techniques you use for young kids and teenagers please, because mine run wild! thanks to all?

If they bang on my door again I might just chuck a bucket of cold water on them...light hearted ofcourse! Can't do that police would come and give me a telling off instead!

Control no I wouldn't want to control my dc.
They are pretty much well behaved but I know I'm very relaxed coz my dm was a controlling parent. It's not nice at all.

I am definitely not a parenting guru but with my 2 (a tween and a younger child with ASD/ADHD who is definitely wild) I think expectations count for a lot as well as compromising maybe the less important stuff.

For example, I always expect good manners and 99% of the time I’d say they meet that expectation. On the other hand, I refuse to make mealtimes a battle ground and while both children have previously been extremely picky at one time or another it has paid off and they’ve massively improved.

Another one who avoids 'control' much to my in laws disgust.

I have a 14 and 12 year and I've always tried to guide them into making the 'right' choices. For example when they were toddlers and refused to wear a coat, I gave them a choice of a red coat or blue coat, we both 'won' they wore a coat but felt they were making a choice.

I have always been able to take them
anywhere as they know how to behave, I've instilled in them how to sit at a table and eat properly and when running around like a mad man is appropriate I.e in the garden or playground.

They play up at home and constantly push boundaries but I try to keep talking to them and we sort it out e.g they help me with chores they can go on the X Box for the afternoon.

On the whole they are fab kids and I love them to pieces, and I'm not sure how I could 'control' a strapping 14 year old boy who's about my height and I'm 5'9", without his cooperation 

Oh this made me laugh. Erm control over my kids.

Less control and more attempt to direct and shape into good humans. Parenting is very much a compromise from all involved especially as they grow.

Another one who avoids 'control' much to my in laws disgust.

But it sounds like to do have "control" over your kids - that's a compliment btw

Our dc were very easy to manage when young. Could go anywhere happily with them. Happy kids but absolutely no bother.
Then ds1 became a teenager. He got into everything. We had some tough years. He had some learning difficulties in school which he hated and he got very angry, acted out, took up with the wrong crowd and we had a few mad years. Other two went through teens with little bother. Think they were sick of the drama with him..
So l would nearly swap a few tantrums at 3/ 4 for those horrible years trying to keep a close eye on a teen determined to get up to everything. He came through fine but it was a rollercoaster.
Maybe l had it too easy earlier.
My dsis had the opposite. Mad kids running wild/ debating every thing/ full of sass...then great teens. Maybe they got it out of their system earlier.

I had very strict boundaries when they were small. I would count to three and then issue a consequence. They never knew what the consequence would be, only that there would be one, so they couldn't choose whether it was worth continuing or not. It also meant I didn't issue unrealistic consequences in the heat of the moment and could take my time to make sure they were appropriate and enforceable. I always, always followed through and the reasons for the rules were explained.

When they are 100% confident that you mean what you say after a few fairly harsh punishments then they usually comply. Of course they eventually start pushing the boundaries again but one quick quite harsh consequence reminds them again for quite a while. You may feel guilty thinking it's not that big a deal, but actually it's short term pain for long term gain. Life was far more pleasant for them and me when we all knew the boundaries. Consistency is paramount and it actually cuts down the negative interactions by them knowing exactly where they stand. Lots of praise for good decisions.

As a result of that investment when they were young, I have been able to go into the later teenage years and I've not had to punish at all. They generally respect the boundaries and if they do push them then our disappointment and talking about the situation is enough. You can't control teenagers like you can smaller children and have to hope that your influence when they are younger, have given them the tools to make the right decisions for themselves. Of course they make mistakes, as do we, but talking, not being afraid to apologise for over reacting on both sides and explanations, along with lashings of love and respect for them and their feelings, and you shouldn't go far wrong.

But as pp say, it does start when they are young. Draw those boundaries and enforce them. It's being cruel to be kind.

I think expectations count for a lot as well as compromising maybe the less important stuff.

Couldn't agree more. I think setting high, but realistic and achievable, expectations are key. I want my kids to make the best of themselves and have all the traits that make a great human being.

Oh and when the red mist has descended nothing on earth will work. Talk to them when they've calmed down and reestablish boundaries and consequences. Often the situation resolves itself by just talking when they can think rationally again.

Of course most children have tantrums, but I do think the definition of tantrum varies between people. I don't think my DS ever had a tantrum in the sense of deliberately screaming/being destructive in order to get what he wanted but I do remember him regularly becoming overwhelmed by his desire to get what he wanted and screaming or lashing out as a result of that feeling. I called it tantrums anyway but I didn't see it as being naughty, I just thought it was a developmental stage.

So if people see the same distinction but their DC only ever did the latter they might say that they never tantrumed in the sense of a deliberate and manipulative behaviour.

Oh, bertie, that's interesting. My daughter never does it on purpose to get what she wants. That would be massively counter productive! It's always about being overwhelmed. I thought that was what tantrums were? She's clearly not rational during them, and often afterwards can be very upset about the whole experience, but now that she's older, she can get a bit of control and do things like go get something that might calm her down or take other actions to manage things until the feelings pass.

They are very well behaved, polite, respectful and work hard at school.

They aren’t perfectly behaved every single second of course but they lovely, lively, funny, friendly kids who can be taken pretty much anywhere and be relied on to be excellent company.

Is that what you meant OP?

They both have strong personalities and were absolutely wild until they were about 3 yo.

Like a previous poster we were pretty strict and expected very high standards when they were little and as a result rarely have to discipline them now (they are both 11yo). They know what’s expected, they know that we mean what we say.

We have a very happy house, there is very rarely any shouting and I genuinely can’t remember the last time I had to actively punish either of them.

Friends say “you are so lucky” but to be honest luck has much less to do with it than years and years of hard work.

It’s not just about years and years of hard work, though, is it? That implies anyone with wilful children hasn’t worked hard enough.

I’m sure there are lots of households, mine included, that have a mixture of obedience and necessary redefining boundaries, endless discussions, discipline, arguments. I have one DD (12) who has always pretty much done as told, and one DS (15) who always, always pushes it.

They’ve been raised the same. So, yes, there’s an element of luck.

YY murmur but there is a belief that tantrums are on purpose. I suppose that some DC will learn this behaviour and do it purposefully (goodness knows I've seen some teen/adult tantrums which are definitely on purpose!) but it's a minority IME. I think some people classify all tantrums (even the overwhelmed kind) as purposeful/naughty and some classify them separately. But that's why you get a discrepancy between people claiming their DC don't tantrum vs it being a developmental stage vs it being a behavioural thing.

It’s not just about years and years of hard work, though, is it? That implies anyone with wilful children hasn’t worked hard enough.

Taffeta I was only talking about my own children. I absolutely wasn’t passing judgement on anyone else’s parenting.

My own D.C. would both have been hellions without strict rules and consistent boundaries from an early age. So in our case less about luck and more about work.

And they aren’t the same personality either. Neither is naturally placid or pliable.

I’m sure there are lots of households, mine included, that have a mixture of obedience and necessary redefining boundaries, endless discussions, discipline, arguments. I have one DD (12) who has always pretty much done as told, and one DS (15) who always, always pushes it.

Of course the above is correct. But having put in the groundwork when younger then all of the above, whilst definitely being true, can be dealt with without actual punishments as teens. If you haven't got their respect by then, then banning the xbox or grounding them etc isn't going to be effective. By their teens they have to have already learnt enough respect for you, and you them, to be able to navigate the above without actual punishments. Nobody says it's easy though and nobody wants totally complicit, pliable children either. That's not healthy.

That is such a wide question it's impossible to answer without being specific. Which might explain the range of replies you are getting.

I would say, there were situations where I absolutely wanted to control my children and was going to do it no matter what, other situations where it was really important that I should influence them rather than control them, and yet other situations where it felt important that they should make their own choices.

example a) My eldest was what you might call a wilful child: she would have no qualms about hitting a smaller child if she thought them annoying or suddenly stepping into a garden and grabbing their flowers if she wanted them. Nothing you could say about the feelings of the smaller child or the rights of the houseowners would influence her in any way because she wanted those things far more than she wanted my approval. So I controlled her until she grew old enough to develop the desire to control herself, because the responsibility towards those other people rested with me. I also held her firmly in her seat during bus and boat journeys because it was my responsibility to keep her safe.

example b) when my youngest was in his early teens, his grandmother was in a nursing home. It was a long, tiring journey to see her but it meant a lot to her if he came. I did not force him, but I did hope that my influence would make him see that it was worth doing something for somebody who had always been kind to him- and it worked. He did go and was very sweet to her. I am sure this made her subsequent death easier to bear.

example c) When same youngest wanted to give up his drama class because he wasn't enjoying it, I listened to him and let him make his mind up. This was more about him than about anybody else and would be unlikely to harm him in any way.

DD (10) yes, she's not inclined to misbehaviour. DS (7) is impossible to stop from disassembling things and SHOUTING CONSTANTLY but my technique is to firmly discourage but accept these things are going to happen whatever we do and he'll grow out of it.

Toffees, paw patrol and bribery.

Very good post Cory