AIBU to hate DPs family referring to my DD as theirs?

[RainyJane]

Sorry for the rambling, this is my first post!

I have 6 month old twin girls and one of my twins has complex health issues. I am her full time carer and do everything for her (obviously) including all her medical care. She has spent most of her life in hospital and I stay with her whilst also having the other twin with me as I breastfeed.

Recently she had a heart attack and stopped breathing, I performed CPR and she was rushed into emergency open heat surgery. I am extremely protective of my children, they came 10 weeks early and have both had a lot of challenges in their short lives.

Whilst I love my DP and they are a great parent, they are not as involved as I am. However recently their family has started posting lots of stuff in facebook referring to DD as theirs? For example, before I've even posted anything saying: My beautiful 'babies name' has come out of surgery and is okay, thank you so much everyone for calling me and seeing if I'm okay

This is my MIL, both of my DP grandmothers and is now spreading through their family - aunts, family friends etc!!

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? She is my daughter and I care for her!!!

Yanbu. I have a 5 year old with complex health issues and I would be furious if anyone did that.

She's your daughter, yes. She's DP's daughter too. And MiL's granddaughter, aunt's niece etc. My dgs is my dgs. Even though his mother hates me, the reality of the relationship doesn't change.

I can imagine you're horribly stressed, and probably exhausted, with all the care you give. But resentment towards half of your daughter's family seems misplaced.

She is part of their family. I think you are being rather sensitive although I can fully understand why.

I get why you're sensitive, but she is theirs too she's their GC/Niece etc and they are probably delighted she came through it all, I don't think it's to exclude you in anyway

It's the use of the word 'my' isn't it?
'Our' would be OK.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I'm afraid I don't see that your mil has done anything wrong. All She has said is that she's glad someone she loves is doing well. That's nice.

As a grandparent I think I'd refer to all and any of my DGC to 'ours' in that context.
Does your DP live with you? Have you been together long?

I’m not really seeing the issue. They are part of her family

My parents would say My beautiful PinkBaby when taking about my dc 🤷🏻‍♀️Didn’t know I should be offended by it

she is my daughter and I care for her!!! Umm no she isn’t only your daughter, she’s your dp daughter too. So the correct thing to type was she’s OUR daughter

I think they are being dreadful.
Can't your DP tell them to stop ?
Some people have zero understanding of what you are going through. It's not a TV soap, it's your life

She's not aiming her messages at you specifically, she's aiming them at her circle of friends and family generally, and it's reminding them that this is her granddaughter.

Yabu. No-one will think it's her child, they will understand the relationship. She's posted it because she loves her. Yes, "our" might have been more appropriate but I can't see any malice here.

It definitely is the use of 'my' that bothers me. But also the thought of me being at the hospital all day and night for weeks - sometimes months, looking after two young children. And my MIL has people bringing her dinners at home because she's so stressed?? She cries often, as does the great grandmothers.

I don't know, I'm not close with my parents at all, they are very emotionally unavailable and always have been...

I do feel like I'm being unreasonable sometimes, but there are some things they do that make me think wtf?

Is your DP a woman? Is there something here about you feeling her family aren’t any relation to your children because they aren’t biologically linked?

If that’s the case you need to get over yourself. And I mean that kindly, you are going through awful shit and your emotions are bound to be all over the place.

I do think we sometimes forget how hard it is for the extended family when a child is ill. Of course it is always hardest for the parents (both of!) but the extended family still love the child and want the best for the child and want to be there to support the child and parents. It can be hard to always try to say the right thing to.

My mil does this to my twins

Oooo my girl/boy

Did you give birth to them?? Nope

Used to bother me now I just ignore her. Her only child is obviously shit in comparison to mine so guessing she is jealous (she obviously loves her dog for than h)

My friends that are grandparents would say “our Freddie...” on their posts not “my Freddy..”.

This is very unfair to your DDs. You wouldn't like your ILs to exclude them.

My DP is female and I 100% see her as the other parent!! I also have a fantastic relationship with her family! I don't see them as any different because they aren't biologically related!! We have been married for a long time and have a wonderful relationship.

However my DP runs to her mother if she scrapes her knee and don't lean on anybody for support, and can find overly emotional people infuriating in a difficult situation.

I had to ask DPs family to leave the hospital at one point because they all turned up and where hysterical. This was prior to the recent heart attack and was when she was hospitalised for another illness. But during this time, I could have really used someone being strong and taking my other DD for a few hours so I can focus on sick daughter. But they refused

I'd be more annoyed at your mil being so stressed that she can't cook her own dinner than I would be at the use of 'my' when referring to your dd!

I do call my nieces and nephews 'my nephew's name' so it really wouldn't bother me. However, you have got a hell of a lot on your plate so, to be frank, you can be offended by whatever you want. I don't know how you're holding things together.

But she is theirs? Their granddaughter or whatever.
I do understand though, I’m a full time carer for my disabled son and I can imagine I’d be fuming if it was me

My beautiful 'babies name' has come out of surgery and is okay, thank you so much everyone for calling me and seeing if I'm okay

I don't see anything wrong with their use of the word "my" to describe your daughter. I think you're being a bit - understandably - oversensitive on that point. You have a lot on your plate. .

However, the bit about "thank you so much everyone for calling me and seeing if I'm okay" would. have my eyes rolling in my head. You're doing all of the heavy lifting, whilst they attention seek whine away on FB and get dinners brought to them. That would grind my gears.

I refer to my dog as 'my beautiful girl' etc., and I didn't give birth to her

I'd be pleased that they clearly care deeply- not sure how you can possibly be offended that a grandparent loves a grandchild.

I would also never say "our ..." but I think that's regional- I've noticed it's very very common and normal to say it in the north but not in the south nearly as much.

You're reading far too much into it!

I would definitely ask your in-laws not to post about DD on social media.

(It's also possible that they're so very vocal about it as a form of overcompensation- I know my grandmother was always very very vocal about how much she cared about my adopted cousins, because I think she was worried people might assume she loved them less. Since they're not biological grandchildren she may be trying to prove that actually she does love them deeply when some people might assume she'd be less attached than normal. Cut her some slack )

I get it OP, I get it 110% - they are enjoying the drama, posting "oh poor poor me" posts on facebook.

Why isn't your DP as involved as you are?